


Careful Fear and Dead Devotion

by oscarwildechilde



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Domestic, First War Against Voldemort, In some chapters, M/M, Remus Lupin-centric, Rough Sex, angst later on, but then sad, first order of the phoenix
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2019-09-14 08:11:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 49,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16909335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oscarwildechilde/pseuds/oscarwildechilde
Summary: They’re children fighting a war and it’s not going to change them. Or maybe it will change everything.Remus and Sirius’ relationship as the first war with Voldemort progresses





	1. Chapter 1

Remus lit another cigarette of the end of his last one, knowing that James would give him a disapproving look when he arrived at Godric’s Hollow. After the week they’d had Remus also knew he wouldn’t say anything. That maybe he’d ask for a drag as he walked out for another one in a few hours as they stood on the stoop in silence. 

Fabian and Gideon had been twenty-five. It hadn’t been quick. They hadn’t gone at the same time. Fabian had to watch Gideon die, sputtering black bile from his gut for ten hours, while sitting on the hospital bed next to him and knowing the same was coming for him. 

“This is worse.” He had sobbed, words straining with every breath “Watching him die is worse than knowing I’m going to die.” 

Twenty-five years old. Remus remembered when twenty-five seemed as ancient as Dumbledore. When he was fourteen he visited his mothers side of the family for his cousin’s wedding. She was twenty-five and looked like a proper adult, he was sure she had everything together.

Now he was 21 and facing a war and he couldn’t even believe he’d thought they looked old. They were children. Gideon and Fabian were children. 

Remus could hardly remember when things had gotten this bad. It hadn’t been overnight. There was no single defining moment that Remus could point to and say “that’s it! That’s where the world fell to shit!” 

He remembered when things started feeling different, though. Things had started to shift their sixth year. After that horrid time with the so called ‘prank’ that Sirius had pulled, Remus had begun to spend most of his time with Lily. He was avoiding Sirius and by extension was avoiding James and Peter too, though James made sure to check in on him every day and make sure Remus knew he was still mad at Sirius.

“He just needs me right now is all.”

He was happy to hang out with Lily, it made their prefect duties less dull.

One night, they were patrolling the halls and both gushing about the new Bowie album. 

“God, finally someone GETS it. These wizarding kids don’t know what they’re missing.” Lily laughed

“For real. My dad doesn’t get it but mum and I waited in line at the record shop for HOURS so we could be first in line to get it.” 

They turned the corner and came upon two Slytherin seventh year boys leaning up against the wall.

“Excuse me, it’s after hours.” Lily said “You’ll have to go back to your common room.” 

The boys made eye contact and laughed “and what, you’re going to make me?” The taller one said 

Lily turned a little red in the cheeks at the confrontation she wasn’t quite yet comfortable with “Yes we are. We’re prefects.” 

“Oh I know who you are, Lily Evans. And you’re Remus Lupin.” The tall one said “I’m just wondering why you think I’m going to listen to either one of you.” 

“Look, just go back to your common room and I won’t deduct any points or report you to your head of house.” Lily said 

“Ooh, you hear that McNair? We’ll lose house points!” The shorter one laughed

“Oh well we can’t have that! How awful!” He gave a toothy grin

“You can’t talk to her like that.” Remus said 

McNair cackled “Oh! Look who’s got a backbone. I’d be mindful of sticking your snout in other people’s business, Lupin. You never know who knows what around here.”

Remus went pale and gaped.

“Silly little mudbloods thinking they can tell anybody what to do.” The other one said 

“I thought Lupin was half?” 

“Yes, but his mother is full muggle, can you believe? My father always told me that any trace makes the rest useless. Plus his father is only half anyway, so really does he even count?” 

“No doubt about Evans though.” 

Lily was bright red and started to pull her wand out of her pocket but Remus grabbed her arm quietly and let them leave. 

“It’s not worth it.” Remus said as they turned 

Lily swiveled around, still red “It’s not worth it?” She shouted “Remus did you hear any of that?” 

He shut his eyes and took a breath “Yes. Of course I heard it.” 

“Then how are you not pissed? Remus I cant believe you would just sit there and let them talk to you like that!”

“You don’t think I’m not mad? Of course I’m mad!” He said through gritted teeth “But this is getting more common and the papers are reporting more and more attacks on muggle borns and... everyone else. Those people don’t care about points or about detention or decency, Lily. They only care about pain and suffering. They could kill us and who is going to hear this far into the castle? We’re in a dead end hall and the only way to escape is by turning our backs to them.”

Lily gaped at him “You really think like that? About where you have an exit strategy?”?

“Every day.” Remus said. He’d been in a room without an escape strategy before. Never again. 

Remus look another long drag of the cigarette before flicking it into the garden and pulling out his wand. He tapped it to a specific rhythm on the gate barring entry to what anybody else would see was an empty lot covered in weeds. He heard a chime and he swung open the gate, revealing the Potter’s house. He tapped once on the door and waited a moment before tapping twice again. 

Lily swung the door open and took a deep breath of relief when she saw him. She practically leapt into his arms. Her swollen stomach kept some distance between them.

“Oh thank god!” She said, clutching onto his shoulders 

“I’m okay, Lily, I’m okay.” He said, holding her close 

“They told me you and Sirius were fine, they told me but I just couldn’t be sure until I saw you. I needed to know you were real.”

“Is that Remus?” James called from behind her. He ran up and looked relieved, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing hard, looking into his face as if he would forget what Remus looked like if he stopped.

“Did Sirius get here already?” Remus asked. Sirius had left to share the news about the attack and about Gideon and Fabian while Remus finished up his watch.

James nodded “He’s out back. Peter, too.” 

Remus exhaled. It seemed that all of them just held their breath until they saw the others.

“I’m going to put on a pot of tea, you go.” Lily said. James put a hand on the side of her belly and kissed her as he passed, leading the two of them to the back yard.

Sirius and Peter sat on the stairs in the back, not speaking but staring straight ahead and passing a cigarette back and fourths Sirius turned his head as they came out and fixed his eyes on Remus and held out his arms for Remus to come to him. He leaned over and kissed him, centering himself by putting a hand on the side of his head. 

Sirius pulled him closer so Remus was perched on his lap. Usually when they did things like this James and Peter would take the piss, lamenting their PDA and begging them to get a room, but now they were silent. Remus took out another cigarette and offered one to Sirius and waited for him to put it between his lips before lighting it for him with a muggle lighter rather than with his wand. This whole exchange was wordless, a rhythm built on years of similar interactions. 

The four of them were quiet for another moment before Peter broke it.

“I should have been there.” He said

Sirius shook his head “there was nothing you could have done. Either of you.” 

James frowned at the ground. They knew he had been going stir crazy being stuck in the house on Dumbledore’s orders.

“We were outnumbered.” Remus said. Sirius’ hand on his tightened.

“When they said two of ours had died... I was sure...” James stuttered.

“It was Bellatrix.” Sirius said “She was leading it at least. She was out for us. If Gideon hadn’t stepped in...” 

Sirius shivered and took a deep drag of his cigarette before lacing his arms around Remus’ torso. 

 

They went back inside when a chill set in the air, James making them vanish the smoke smell from their clothes so Lily and the baby wouldn’t have it around them.

“Overprotective” Lily shook her head as they came back in. 

Remus cooked, at Lily’s objection, but he was the only one who really knew how and needed something to do with his hands to keep them from shaking. Sirius stayed close, hovering in the sides of his vision and periodically touching him as he passed by to get another drink or move to the other side of the kitchen to speak to the others. Remus was usually annoyed when Sirius would cling to him while he cooked, but today he was grateful for the reminder that he was still there. That he hadn’t imagined their escape.

They ate and said little, save for Lily and James arguing over baby names (Sirius, Francisco, and Bogdan were all nixed). As it grew late. Lily was dozing on James’ shoulder and Remus’ eyelids began to droop, Sirius shook him a little.

“We should go home.” He said. Remus nodded.

Goodbyes seemed to take longer now, everyone lingering in the touch of the others, squeezing a little too tight each time. Dumbledore had allowed the Potters to be connected to Sirius and Remus’ place and Peter’s flat after a lot of convincing that it would be more secure than having them go in and out, “which we will do even if you tell us not to.” Sirius had said

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

As they finally stepped out of the green flames of their fireplace at home, Sirius immediately pulled Remus into a deep, frenzied kiss. Remus returned it, wrapping his arms around him.

When you’ve been with someone a long time, you know there are a lot of ways to kiss, to have sex, even to sit in silence. Sirius and Remus had been together since they were sixteen years old. They knew the alcoves of eachother’s bodies more than anybody else. Sirius could list how many scars criss crossed across Remus’ body. Remus could accurately trace Sirius’ tattoos with his eyes closed. They had had every kind of sex, from their first quiet, virginal fumblings in the dark of their dorm at Hogwarts, to giggling, giddy sex with the warmth of firewhiskey radiating from their bodies, to the sex that came after a huge fight, where the goal was to just unleash all the rage and frustration into the other, not caring who was bruised or if they had scrapes on their backs from tumbling across the exposed brick in their flat.

Then there was the kind that came with the war. Desperate, clinging. Sirius pushed Remus against the wall. He wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist, squeezing him closer and closer until Remus could feel the quickened exhale of his lungs against his own. Remus’ hands tangled in Sirius’ long hair and pulled him in for a deeper kiss, not caring that their teeth clashed together in the process. This wasn’t for lust, this was a desperate need for closeness, the need to feel the life in the other to make sure it was still there. 

“I love you, I love you.” Sirius muttered into his mouth 

“I need you.” Remus replies, his voice low. 

They moved slowly across the apartment, fumbling with jackets and shirts and leaving a trail of clothes behind them as they made their way to the bedroom. They tumbled onto the bed, neither wanting to break the contact. Sirius pulled them both down so that Sirius was sitting on the edge of the bed, arms wrapped tightly around Remus while he straddled his hips

Remus pulled away for a second to catch his breath. He could feel the heaviness in his chest from smoking too much and took a few deep breaths to steady himself. Sirius drew his hands over Remus’ chest, tracing the long scar going from his collarbone to his navel. Remus used to flinch away from his touch when he did this, but now he gazed down at him in anticipation as Sirius leaned down and kissed down his chest, stopping to take a nipple into his mouth and grinning at the soft noises Remus made as he did. Sirius worked his way back up to Remus’ mouth and they resumed breathlessly kissing.

“I need you. Now.” Remus said in Sirius’ ear. Sirius’ breath hitched and he flipped them over so Remus was lying on his back. Remus began fumbling to remove his pants while Sirius dug in their side drawer for lube. 

Sirius paused to take in Remus lying there, panting and watching his every move from across the room, his cock bobbing between his legs and a thin sheen of sweat covering him. There was a large purple bruise spattered across his torso from where he had been thrown to the ground during the fight that stood in stark contrast with his pale skin and lacing of scars.

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to come over here and fuck me?” Remus asked 

Sirius grinned “Cheeky.” He walked over and slowly ran his hands up Remus’ thighs, delighting in the small noises he made at the contact. Sirius loved him like this, loved seeing the man in ways that nobody else would. Quiet, reserved Remus, who calculated his every move in public so as to not betray any part of himself, who came completely undone at his touch- and only his touch.

Sirius continued to run his hands up and down his torso, slowly teasing out the flustered blush that spread out over his body and feeling his heartbeat beneath hot skin. He paused there, feeling it pulse, miraculously still going.

“Sirius...” he moaned, frustrated at the slowing down 

“I’m glad I didn’t lose you.” Sirius said. Remus looked up at him and smiled, putting a hand on his cheek.

“I love you.” Remus said. Sirius leaned down and kissed him again, tenderly this time. Remus’ hands drifted downwards and fumbled with Sirius’ belt and trousers


	2. Chapter 2

They fell into a dreamless sleep, their limbs tangled together like a gangly eight legged creature. Remus woke up first, blinking at the sunlight creeping into their room. He gentle got himself out from under Sirius, who splayed out, completely unaware of what was going on. They all used to joke that Sirius could sleep through the apocalypse. He put on some loose sweatpants and a shirt of Sirius’ that hung loosely over his thinner frame.

Remus shuffled to the kitchen and started the coffee machine. He knew they could make coffee more easily with magic, but he swore he could tell the difference so he still used the old coffee pot his mum had given them in a box of old household things she had dropped off when he moved out. He dumped half a bag of coffee grounds into a filter and poured water in the top, accidentally splashing a ton on the counter in the process but was too tired to deal with it right away.

Yawning, he leaned his chin on the counter and smiled as he looked into the bedroom and saw Sirius, bed sheets tangled around his waist and black hair tangled wildly around his head. 

They both didn’t have to go on patrol today and Remus didn’t have to work. They didn’t have any obligations until an Order meeting later this evening. These days were so rare that it was hard not to make them special, even given the dark cloud he felt over them all the time. Perhaps they would stay in bed for a while and drink their coffee before exploring London

He was brought out of his thoughts by a thump on the door. He was immediately taken out of his early morning haze and grabbed his wand off the counter. He glanced into the bedroom again, Sirius was still asleep. He approached the door, making sure he stood in between Sirius and the door. It spells were cast it would give Sirius enough time to get to his feet. The door pounded again and Remus’ heart thumped in his chest with it. He felt stupid that they had moved into a flat without a peephole on the door. He kept the chain over the door and opened it a crack, his wand drawn.

His own eyes were staring back at him. Remus let out an exhale and lowered his wand, closing the door to release the chain and open the door properly.

“Dad what are you doing here?” Remus said, glancing into the hallway before closing the door and locking it behind him as Lyall stormed into the living room.

“Your mother and I get an owl from you last night with just the words ‘mum, dad, Sirius and I are okay” as if that’s not ominous enough, before I read in the Prophet this morning and read that those boys in your group had been murdered!” Lyall said, staring into Remus’ face “So I put two and two together.” 

“Dad, I’m fine.” 

“Like hell you’re fine!” Lyall said “You promised me, Remus! You promised me you would stay out of all of this!” 

“I can’t just stay out of this!” Remus said, walking into the kitchen and putting his wand back down with a little more force than he should have.

“You’re fighting in a war! And you lied to me about it! Don’t you think that your mother and I have a right to know what our child is doing?” 

“I’m not a child, dad! I’m 21 years old.”

“And you think that makes you a man? You think that means you still have no idea what you’re getting into? You could have been killed!”

“I know what I’m doing!” Remus said 

Lyall glared at him and paced around the apartment. He glanced into the bedroom, at Sirius’ sleeping form and then at his feet. They sat in silence for a moment. Lyall and Remus had a complicated relationship. Lyall was a good man, he did everything he could for Remus. But they never saw eye to eye. They were just different people. Lyall still had a glint of guilt in his eyes when he looked at his son. He was unable to separate Remus from his biggest failure. When Remus had come out to his parents, his dad had never quite understood. He never said anything but he knew that the fact that Remus and Sirius lived together still made him uncomfortable. Remus was never sure if it was who Sirius’ family was or the fact that they were gay that made him more uncomfortable, but he knew that both of them did. 

“Is it for him?” Lyall said, his voice lowered “Are you doing this for him?”

“No, dad, it’s not for him.”

“They want to kill you, do you not understand that?” 

“Who wants to kill me, dad? The Death Eaters, or Sirius? Because he is not his family! And in case you don’t realize, dad, the ministry wants me dead too.” Remus said 

Lyall stared at the floor “I just want you to be safe, Remus. I want you to be alive.” 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You always think you’re indestructible, you don’t understand that you have limitations.” Lyall said “You never have. You’re too reckless.” 

“Now I would describe Remus as a lot of things, but reckless is not one I’d choose.” They swung around to where Sirius was leaning on the door frame wearing loose fitting pants and blinking in the light.

“Sirius-“ Remus said

“Give me a second, love. Mr. Lupin, I appreciate that you’re worried about Remus, but I promise you I’m looking out for him. Not that he needs anybody to look out for him.” Sirius said 

“Sirius, I appreciate your perspective but you two are boys. You’re children. You have no idea what you’re getting into.”

“What would you know about it dad? You have no stake in this.” 

“I have no stake in it? Really? Me, with a muggle wife and a werewolf child? I have no ability to understand what this war is about.” Lyall snapped “I also know that I have seen children fight and die in wars that they had no business fighting in.

“I’d rather die than sit around and do nothing!” 

“Tell that to the family of those poor boys last night! Do you think they’d rather their children be home doing nothing instead of in a wooden box?” Lyall yelled 

“Maybe we should all just stop and drink a coffee, yeah?” Sirius said, trying to diffuse the tension 

Remus took a breath and turned his back on his dad, crossing his arms over his body. 

“No. No, I should go.” Lyall said. “I- I’ll see you soon.” 

He was fine as soon as he’d left, Remus starting after the door before angrily pouring himself a cup of coffee and slamming the drawer shut as he got a spoon.

“He’s worried I think.” Sirius said

“Oh he’s always bloody worried! But his solution to being worried is just ‘don’t be bothered, Remus! Stay out of it, Remus! Just keep your nose clean and it’ll work itself out! Where are my cigarettes?” Remus grumbled. Sirius thought it best not to comment on Remus’ growing habit and just summoned the pack with a flick of his wand. Remus placed one between his lips and lit it, taking a long drag. 

“He loves you a lot, Remus.” Sirius said

Remus sighed “I know. I know that, I just wish we- I wish we understood eachother is all. We never have.” He shook his head “Sorry, I know it’s awful to complain about my relationship with my father when your family is the way it is.”

“Just because my family are fascist assholes doesn’t mean your parents have to be sunshine and rainbows all the time.” Sirius said, slipping past Remus to get to the coffee pot, kissing him on the side of the head as he did.

Remus sighed “I always expect him to be different. Like I’ll visit home and be really excited about something and expect his first comment to be something supportive and not ‘are you sure that’s a good idea?’ or like ‘remember not to draw too much attention to yourself.’”

“Fear makes people do weird things.” 

“I know. I know. I just hate it. If I stay quiet and stay in my bubble and not interfere, what kind of life am I going to have? Even if we win, the ministry isn’t going to all of a sudden love werewolves, I know that. But they’re at least not going to round us up and kill us. I can at least make a difference if we win.”

“We’re going to win.” Sirius said, looping an arm around Remus’ waist and kissing him softly 

Remus kissed him back “I’m sorry my dad woke you up. And implied you’re a Death Eater.”

Sirius shrugged, lazily speaking into Remus’ open mouth “Clearly I’m a death eater, I’m amazed you can’t see it.”

“Oh? What is this, deep cover work?”

“Well someone has to do it.” He grinned and kissed him “Taking one for the team.” 

“Do you want to go to that record store today? We don’t have a meeting until 7.” Remus said 

“Honestly? I just want to stay right here” Sirius said “When do we ever get the chance to stay in bed all day?”

“A little presumptuous, Mr. Black.” Remus joked “Whatever would we do in bed all day.”

“I can think of a few things.”

———————————

“I told you we should have left earlier!” Remus muttered through gritted teeth as they apparated to the Order headquarters. The meetings started exactly at 7, not a minute earlier.

“Oh excuse me, Mr. ‘no, no, I can go again!’” Sirius said, dropping Remus’ arm so he could wave his wand at the door

“Oh it’s my fault? You’re the one who pulled the ‘No, no, hold it, it’ll feel so much better if you-“

“Mr. Lupin. Mr. Black.” Remus swiveled around to see Professor McGonagall standing in the door, crossing her arms before her. 

“Professor!” Sirius said, his voice cracking. Remus was bright red

“I’m disappointed to see that your ability for tardiness has not diminished since leaving school.” She said 

“Sorry, Professor, we were just-“

“I don’t need an explanation, Mr. Lupin. The meeting has just started, I’ll beg you to hurry inside.” She said, looking at them over her glasses.

They rushed past her and into the dining room, not making eye contact with anyone as they passed. James nudged Sirius with his elbow as he took the seat to his left.

“Shut up.” Sirius mumbled.

Dumbledore glanced over at them, his eyes twinkling “Trouble with traffic, I expect?”

Remus cleared his throat “Sorry, Professor.” 

“That’s quite alright, boys.” He chuckled 

“If now is a good time for everyone, I’d like to get on with it.” Mad-Eye snapped. Dumbledore gestured for him to continue “Right then. We’ve taken some hits recently, we all know this. But because of Fenwick’s recon, we have some new intel that will help us out.” 

Benjy stood up “Right. Well I managed to get some information out of the death eater Dearborn the other week. It seems like they’re actively recruiting from the, er, non-human creatures.”

“Non-human?” Alice asked “What kind of non-human?”

“From what Dearborn knew, they’ve been speaking very closely with the werewolf Fenrir Greyback.” 

Remus went stiff. He felt like the wind had been knocked out of his chest. He clenched his hand into a fist under the table, hoping that nobody noticed his face.

“What would Voldemort want with this Greyback guy?” Frank asked “His whole deal is blood purity, right?”

“We don’t think any lasting deal will be upheld by Voldemort.” Benjy said “He’s probably using Greyback. Sources tell us he has a pretty sizable pack behind him. Mostly people he’s turned himself.” 

“Greyback’s a nasty bloke. Remember reading about him like 15 years back. Used to target kids during the full moon. Had some kind of philosophy around it.” Kingsley said

“Bite them young.” Remus said, his voice distant. Sirius glanced at him and narrowed his eyes, but nobody else seemed to notice.

“But why would any of them join up with Voldemort?” James said “I mean even Greyback has to know that things will be worse for him under Voldemort.”

“Things have been getting so bad for them recently under ministry control a lot of werewolves don’t think it can get any worse.” Lily said, trying not to look at Remus. 

“But things are only bad because of Voldemort’s people in the ministry.” Elphias Dodge piped up

“That’s bollocks.” Remus snapped, surprising even himself “Hating werewolves is not a death eater concept, it’s been here for centuries and it’ll stay here even if we win.”

The room was quiet for a moment, shocked at his sudden intensity. 

“Let’s, er, get off politics for the moment, yeah?” Benjy said, shifting uncomfortably “What’s important here is that we know their next move and we might be able to interfere.” 

“What, so we can recruit the werewolves instead?” Someone said, causing people to chuckle and Remus to feel a wave of heat sweep across his face. He wanted to get up and walk away, or flip the table and scream at all of them. Instead he dug his fingers into his knees, his fingers white with the strain. Sirius our a hand on his side and Remus shrugged it off. He tuned out the rest of the meeting, waiting until Dumbledore called it an end. As soon as he adjourned, Remus was out of the door, ignoring Sirius, James, and Peter’s calls as he slammed the door to the garden.

The three of them came out after him right as Remus apparated to their flat.

Sirius came after him ten minutes later, breathing heavily. 

“You know I support everything you do, but you’ve got to cool it on the smoking, this is excessive.” Sirius said, locking the door behind them with a tap of his wand.

“Piss off.” Remus snapped, smoke coming out of his mouth with every word.

“What’s going on with you?” Sirius said 

“What do you think, Sirius?” Remus snapped

“I think you started acting weird when Benjy brought up that Greyback guy.” 

Remus flinched and took a drag 

“Who is he to you?” 

“Nobody.” 

“Remus-“ 

“Just drop it Sirius!” Remus snapped

Sirius sighed in frustration “Why won’t you talk to me about this stuff?”

“I talk to you about enough.” 

“Not about anything about your Remus. Clearly something is the matter, this guy means something to you and you won’t talk to me about it.” 

“I really don’t want to get into this right now.” 

“Remus-“

“He’s the one who bit me, okay?” Remus snapped. He looked away and automatically moved his hand to touch the spot on his shoulder, now a mess of sinewy scar tissue that was still stiff in the mornings sometimes. 

“Oh fuck.” Sirius said

“I don’t like to talk about it.” 

“I know. I just- I want to know about the hard stuff too, yeah? We always avoided pushing you about this because we knew you didn’t want to talk about it, but you need to talk to someone.”

Remus watched the ember eat away at the end of the cigarette. He ashed it in an empty tea cup “It’s a really long story. I’ve told you all the gist.”

“Yeah, that you were six and outside your house at night when you shouldn’t have and he came out of the woods.”

“What I told you isn’t entirely accurate.” Remus said “I didn’t lie. That what I thought until a little while ago.”

“And what, you just never thought to tell us you found more out?”

“Who would it help, Sirius? I’m not any happier or more fulfilled for knowing.” Remus said, clutching onto the side of the counter.

“Remus I love you, I just want to know these things about you.” 

“You know more about me than anybody, Sirius.”

“But you still hold out on me about this- about the werewolf stuff.”

Remus sighed “I just don’t know if you can understand, love.”

“Can you just try?” 

He closed his eyes “My- my dad told me the whole story about a year ago. He didn’t think I could handle it until then. He- uh- he used to work at the ministry, back when I was little.”

“Yeah didn’t he specialize in bogarts or something?” 

“Yeah. He was kind of their specialist in them for a long time. He worked in the Department for the Control of Magical Creatures Department. He was doing really well, actually, moving up in the Household Pests division when he got tapped to join the Dangerous Beasts division instead. They were overworked and they needed a hand and he was the specialist in determining what a creature actually was because of all his training with boggarts. They were overrun with werewolf sightings at the time, some kind of panic was happening around werewolves and parents being sure their kids were being targeted. And so they bring in this guy- no wand, no identification-and he looks really ragged and dirty so they think he’s just a muggle drifter who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and someone overreacted. And he’s going along with it and pretending to be confused. But my dad is sure that this guy is a werewolf, he knows all the signs and he tells them that. And the and some of the other people get into a huge row about it, and my dad... Well he starts saying all this shit, about how he’s dangerous and is going to kill people and how all of them would be better off being put down like rabid animals.”

“Your dad?” Sirius said, hardly believing it

“I mean, I don’t blame him. He didn’t know any better and he was only ever hearing to worst of the worst at his job. Before you knew me, I bet you heard a lot of terrifying stuff about werewolves.”

“Yeah but that’s my family. I expect that from them.”

Remus shrugged “it’s worst from the ones you don’t expect.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, my dad is saying all of this in front of the guy they caught. And he loses the fight, he tells them they’re making a mistake but they send him back down to stick with boggarts. But when they’re taking the man down to be obliviated, he escapes. They eventually identify him as Greyback.” Remus shuddered “He already has a reputation of going after children. Most people just thought he did it at random, they would used it as a story to scare their kids ‘mind mummy or Greyback will steal you away’ sort of thing. But he doesn’t do it like that. He’s calculated.” 

“So he went after you to get back at your dad?” Sirius said

Remus nodded and noticed his hand shaking slightly. 

“Remus, I’m so sorry.” Sirius said 

“But it’s not just that.” Remus swallowed a hard lump in his throat “It would be so easy to just blame everything on my dad, but he told me not to go outside that night. He told me it was dangerous and I didn’t listen. I decided to listen to Greyback and follow him into the yard because he told me that there was a hurt owl outside and he knew I would follow him. I was so stupid. It was my decision, it was my fault.” 

Sirius looked at him, not knowing if he wanted to cry or scream at the things that had brought Remus to this moment.

“Remus I need you to know that it isn’t your fault.”

“Sirius-“

“No, okay? It’s not. You were six years old and you were told there was something hurt that needed your help so you went outside. Everything that happened after doesn’t make you at fault.”

“I know. I really do, deep down I know it’s not my fault,but... I can’t articulate it, okay? Do you ever think about if there’s a moment in your life that changed everything? That defined the rest of your life and everything you think and do?”

Sirius nodded 

“I just wish I didn’t know exactly what it was. I wish I could forget the feeling of my hand on the door.”

Remus snuffed our His cigarette in the tea cup. “I’m tired, I’m going to go to bed.”

Sirius caught him by the side as he was brushing past and kissed him on the temple gently

“I love you.” Remus said

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Lyall is a good father, I just envision him and Remus having a really strained relationship that’s ultimately very loving, neither one knows how to show it very well.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was going down outside of his bedroom window, casting long shadows across the garden. It was late into the fall, so the trees were bare, almost skeletal. There was a hard chill in the air, but the window was open a crack to let a breeze whisper over him.

Remus briefly realized how silly it was that he was in his childhood bedroom, somehow still perfectly proportioned so he swam in the small twin bed.

There was a whisper out in the garden and Remus got stood, his bare feet hitting the cold wood. It creaked under him.

“Sirius?” He called out to the figure at his window. There was a growl and Remus drew back the curtain and felt the impact against his shoulder. He screamed, feeling his flesh tearing

“Help! Sirius, help me! Dad! Anybody!” He knew he was speaking, but no noise was coming out. He frantically looked across the room, which had changed to his apartment. Sirius sat in bed, humming along to the radio and didn’t hear him. In the kitchen, his parents were making dinner. James and Peter sat at the counter. None of them could hear him.

He screamed as the creature clawed at him and sunk its teeth deeper and deeper into him. 

“Please!” He cried out. They still didn’t hear him. 

Lily walked into the room and saw him, starting to come towards him.

“Lily, no! Run, he’ll get the baby, don’t let him get the baby!” 

“Remus.” A voice said 

“Lily run!”

“REMUS!” He felt a flash of cold and jumped out of bed. He swung around eyes mad as he saw the darkness of the apartment around him and Sirius standing over him, wand raised

His heart was pounding in his chest 

“What the hell was that?” Sirius cried out, flicking on the lights with a wave of his wand. 

“Sirius?” He said, still disoriented

“You scared the shit out of me!” Sirius ribbed his eyes as Remus sat up 

“I’m sorry, I- I didn’t mean to scare you. Bad dream.” Remus said

Sirius shifted “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. No, I was just... everything we were talking about was on my mind and so It just felt very real in the moment. The way that really weird dreams make sense, you know? Like I could register that it wasn’t right but it didn’t make it...” He shuddered “I’m fine. I swear, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Sirius said “I’ve never seen you like that.”

“I’m okay, I promise. But can... can you maybe just.... Hold me? Until we fall back asleep?” Remus asked softly, as if he were embarrassed to ask for affection.

Sirius lay back down and held his arms open. Remus positioned himself so Sirius was wrapped around him and it was impossible to forget that he was there and that he was alive. It was hardly comfortable, with Sirius’ arms wrapped a little too tightly across his torso, but it felt right. He needed the reassurance that Sirius was there, and wasn’t going anywhere. 

Remus drifted in and out of shallow sleep for the rest of the night, not allowing himself to dream again. He pressed his ear against Sirius’ bare chest and listened to his heart beat, the sound comforting him as his mind raced through all of his anxieties.

Had he scared Sirius off with his outbursts today? Had he shared too much or not enough? Would tomorrow finally be the day that Sirius gave up and hated him? Finally told him that this was all an elaborate joke and he didn’t actually love him? ‘No’ he told himself, desperately wishing his brain would shut down and let him rest, for once, but he knew it wouldn’t.

He glanced at the clock radio on the bedside table that screamed “4:36” in neon red. It wasn’t as bad as it could be, he supposed, and resigned to get up.

 

————  
People were always surprised to know that Remus wasn’t actually a morning person, he just forced himself to wake up early because that’s “what sensible people do.”, but he couldn’t function without heavy amounts of caffeine and nicotine every morning. Remus blamed his mother. Once Sirius had come downstairs while visiting Remus before they had moved in together and the two of them were sitting across from each other silently, both staring off into space with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Lyall was standing in the kitchen, reading the paper from a distance. Sirius has tried to go sit down and Lyall held the paper in front of him as a warning. 

“Give it a minute, neither of them are human yet.” He said with the air of someone who had been dealing with this routine for quite a while.

Sirius, however, actually enjoyed being awake in the morning. He could go from dead asleep to functioning on about five minutes flat, with little stimulants to aid him. He was naturally jovial, he supposed. It drove Remus mad, he’d often been sent on early morning walks around the block while Remus composed himself to avoid calamity. 

Sirius stretched out his limbs and walked into the kitchen, which was remarkably clean, to where Remus was sitting, staring at the paper but not reading it.

“Did you clean?” Sirius asked. Looking around the apartment 

“Yes. You know me, once I’m awake, I can’t get back to sleep.” Remus said. He had deep circles under his eyes. Sirius glanced at the calendar on the wall. The full moon was in a few days. He was always restless around this time. Sirius leaned over the counter and gazed at Remus, reaching out and rubbing a hand over the stubble on his face. Sirius has always been jealous of Remus’ ability to grow facial hair at the drop of a hat. Sirius’ grew in wispy and spotty no matter how hard he tried. If Remus didn’t shave for a few days, he would have a decent beard going. 

Remus learned his head into his touch “You should get ready for work.” 

“Or I could just quit.” Sirius shrugged 

“Hmm, yes, and I could support us on my shitty secretary paycheck.” Remus said bitterly

“When are you going to quit that?” Sirius said

“And do what? This is the only place that would hire me with the mandatory disclosure law.” Remus said

“Why don’t you just lie? You’re more qualified than anybody else.” Sirius didn’t bring up that he could easily and happily afford to support them both with his inheritance from his Uncle Alphard, he knew the subject made Remus uncomfortable.

“If I lie and I get caught, and I will get caught, it’s a mandatory 5 years in prison.” Remus said “it’s either this or find a muggle job and even then I’d have to make up credentials and records. This is fine for right now.” 

“You can always ask Dumbledore for help.” 

“No. Absolutely not” Remus said

“Why not? You’re his favorite, he’d be happy to do it.” 

“He’s done enough for me, I’m not going to bother him with this. I have Order work to keep me fulfilled, this can just be a job.”

Sirius sighed “Has anybody ever told you that you’re stubborn?”

“You, mostly. And my dad.” Remus drained the rest of his coffee in one gulp “You need to get ready.” 

“I’ve got time.” He leaned over the kitchen island and kissed him. Remus kissed him back but recoiled when Sirius deepened it.

“Not right now.” He said, looking away “You have work and I’ll be damned if you’re late again because of a morning shag.”

Sirius groaned “You’re a cruel, cruel man.”

“Go.” Remus insisted  
——————————————

Remus’ job wasn’t that terrible, Sirius tended to exaggerate. He was doing secretary work for a rather scatter brained ministry worker. It was mostly just organizing his papers, setting up appointments, and fetching him tea. He would more than once a day make some kind of comment or question about Remus’ lycanthropy that made him deeply uncomfortable, but he would just give him quick answers and go back to work. He knew he had hired Remus to prove that the disclosure policy was effective, and it made Remus’ skin crawl to be working for him, but he didn’t have a Choice. He’d gone six months without a job and had been desperate when he’d heard about it, and Dumbledore wanted as many people positioned within the ministry as possible, so he took it. He did his job quietly and effectively and ignored the looks from the others in the department. A year, that’s all he needed this job for, a year. Then he could figure out his next step, find something better.

He was sitting at his desk, head resting in his hands as papers swirled around him, automatically filing themselves. Remus was falling asleep at his desk. Closer to the full moon, it seemed impossible to get enough sleep. His eyes were growing heavy when he was jerked awake by a stack of papers being slammed on his desk. He jumped.

“Lupin!” His boas, Lillianfield, was standing over him “I don’t pay you to nod off, do I?”

“No, no sir, sorry sir.” Remus sat up straight

“I already have to give you the day off this week because you can’t be bothered, so you may as well get something done while you’re here.” He grumbled. He pointed to the new stack of papers “I’m going to need these done by the end of the day.”

Remus blinked at the huge pile “It’s already 4:00.” He said

“I can read a clock, thank you, Lupin. Just get it done.” He stalked off, shutting his office door behind him. Remus sighed, looking a the huge stack of paperwork to fill out. He picked up his quill and got to work.

—-  
It was late before he was able to get home. He was exhausted and frustrated, knowing that he was wasting his time working for a low level bureaucrat who wasn’t even worth telling any information that would be remotely helpful for the Order. He was essentially useless. Everyone was doing important work. James was doing an apprenticeship at St Mungoes, Lily was working as an assistant to the liaison with the muggle prime minister, Sirius was training with the aurors under Mad Eye Moody. Even timid Peter was working under one of the more prominent members of the Wizengamot. Remus on the other hand wasn’t even useful for patrols for a week out of every month. He was silently fuming as he unlocked the apartment door and tapped it a few times with his wand to get through the enchantments they had set up. It swung open and he found Sirius in the living room with a glass of whiskey in his hands, and beside him sat Dumbledore, who was wearing peacock green robes with bright purple embellishments and a large hat with feathers poking out of it. Remus’ heart sank

“Is everyone okay? Who was hurt?” 

“Thank god you’re back, I was beginning to worry about you.” Sirius said, both of them standing up to greet him “Everyone is fine, nothing’s happened.”

“Sorry, Lillianfield kept me late, I should have sent an owl but I didn’t get a chance.” Remus exhaled “Hello Professor, what brings you here? Just visiting?” 

“I was hoping to speak with you, actually. Although I did much appreciate Mr. Black’s whiskey and his explanation of ‘glam rock’ which he assures me is a group of muggles who would appreciate the way I dress.” Dumbledore said

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” Remus said, “please, sit.” 

“I can go out.” Sirius said

“No, please, sit” Dumbledore said “Anything I say will be repeated to you and to Mr. Potter and Pettigrew in any case.” 

Remus and Sirius sat on the couch, Dumbledore taking the creaky yellow armchair they had rescued from the sidewalk one day. 

Dumbledore looked at Remus, studying his face with his sharp blue eyes “Remus, you recall of course, the discussion we had at the last Order meeting.” 

Remus modded “About Greyback.” 

“Yes. Well, going off of this intelligence, Alister and I have been thinking of possible ways in which we can loosen Voldemort’s grasp on the werewolf community, and perhaps bring more to our cause.” Dumbledore said. Sirius furrowed his brow

“I’m proposing... Well perhaps asking you if you would consider a kind of mission to that end.” 

“A mission?” Remus asked “What sort of mission?”

“I need you to be a spy.” Dumbledore said. 

Remus gaped at him, imagining the James Bond movies his mother was such a fan of when he was a child “Me? I’m not... I’m not much of a spy, Professor.” 

“It wouldn’t be in the most traditional sense of the word.” He said “What I need is for you to infiltrate Greyback’s pack. He only welcomes his own ‘children’ so to speak. Gain their trust, see if any of them could be convinced to leave him.” 

“No.” Sirius jumped up “No, absolutely not, this is crazy!”

“Sirius, sit down.” Remus said

“This is absolutely mental! You know that, you have to know that.” 

“It’s not without risk, I’m not going to lie to you both. But I would not send you into danger without a plan nor if it were not completely necessary.” Dumbledore said “You have some time to make a decision, I’ll leave you to discuss it.” 

He stood to leave

“How long so I have?” Remus asked

“We know where the pack will be for another week, and after that we’ll lose them again.” Dumbledore said

Remus nodded and stared at his hands. Dumbledore stood and tipped his ostentatious hat at them “good day, gentlemen.” 

Sirius’ eyes followed him as he walked out and he turned heels and stared at Remus as soon as he was gone.

“You’re not seriously entertaining this idea are you?” Sirius said

“Sirius, I-“ 

“You are! You’re seriously thinking of letting him ask you to do this!” 

“Sirius, I’m the only one who can.” He said, closing his eyes 

“That’s bullshit and you know it. If he wanted to go recruit werewolves, he could. He’s fucking Albus Dumbledore, he could do whatever he wanted but instead he’s asking you to risk your neck!” 

“Since when are you opposed to danger? To risk? Is it only when it’s me?” Remus demanded 

“Oh please, Remus, stop with this complex that we all treat you with kid cloves, it’s not cute.” Sirius spat

“Excuse me, am I wrong? You and James can go galavanting around, putting yourself in danger, nearly breaking your neck, but I’m just too fragile for it, eh?” Remus paced the living room

“You do see that he’s manipulating you, right?”

“Dumbledore is not manipulating me, he has better things to do with his time.”

They were screaming at eachother from across the apartment, the still half full glass of whiskey in Sirius’ hand splashing around as he gestured.

“He manipulates everyone! It’s what he does, how are you so far up his arse that you can’t see it? He’ll ignore you until he finds a use for you, and then all of a sudden it’s ‘oh Remus, my boy, you’re the only one for the job!’” Sirius was fuming “And you just go right into whatever he wants! You know you don’t owe him anything, you don’t owe him your loyalty or your life or shit.”

“I owe him everything.” Remus got quiet “Everything I have, Sirius, I owe to him”

“That’s crap, Lupin. That’s fucked up and you know it!”

“He let me go to school! He stood by me when-“

“The headmaster of a school let an 11 year old go to that school! Wow let’s give him another fucking medal!” Sirius said “You going to Hogwarts never should have been in question. Ever.” 

“Maybe it shouldn’t have, but nobody else would have fought for me!”

Sirius stood and caught his breath “Yeah, and have you ever thought about why he did it? Out of the goodness of his heart?”

Remus turned bright red “Oh fuck you, Black.” He spat “So what, Dumbledore knew that one day he might need a werewolf on his side so he started, what? Grooming me for it? We didn’t even know Voldemort was doing this until a week ago.”

“You think he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing? You think he isn’t 12 steps ahead of all of us? Enough to start building loyalty from people he thinks he’ll need?”

“You’re a conspiracy theorist I swear to god!” Remus yelled “And even if he were, fuck! At least I could feel useful! I least I would have something to contribute rather than sitting day after day after day doing nothing but watching our friends die!” 

“So you’re going to make me watch you die, is that it?” Sirius said “They’ll kill you, these people-“

“Oh these people? You mean werewolves? People like me is what you mean.” Remus snapped

“Oh fuck off, you know that’s not what I meant!” 

“No it is! They’re just like me, Sirius, they’re people who had something happen to them.”

“And what about Greyback?” Sirius said “Because you didn’t wake up screaming because of a poor man who had something happen to him. You’re different.”

“I’m not different. I’m not better just because, what? Because I live in a nice flat and have friends and an education?”

Sirius let out a frustrated noise and slammed his glass down on the counter. The force of it made the glass shatter, startling both of them and making them pause, both red in the face and breathing heavily. 

“Is your hand okay?” Remus asked quietly

“I’m fine.” Sirius snapped, not looking him in the eye “I’m sick of talking about this. I’m going to bed.”

He vanished the shattered glass before stalking off, slamming the door behind him.

Remus looked at the door for a moment and then down at his hands, tracing the thick callouses on his palms, feeling a horrible pit in his stomach. He sat like this for another hour until he was sure Sirius was asleep before going into the bedroom. Sirius was curled up as a dog, and Remus knew how truly mad he was. He would only sleep in dog form after a fight when he really needed to process what was happening. Remus quickly changed and hesitated for a moment before turning around and going to sleep on the couch. 

———————-

“It was awful, Peter.” Remus groaned as they walked together in Diagon Alley the next day “We haven’t fought like this in ages.”

“He’ll come round.” Peter said, sticking his hands in his coat pocket and glancing into the shop window “It just makes you wonder... Never mind. D’you think mum would like something like that?”

He pointed to an ornate floating candlestick with jewel inlays “Is your mother Libaraci?” 

“Ugh I’m rubbish at gifts.” Peter groaned 

“You’ll find her something.” Remus said. He paused and looked at Peter “What did you mean by ‘it makes you wonder’, Pete?”

“I don’t know. It just seems odd he doesn’t want you to go do a mission that he’s not directly involved in, you know?” He pointed out “Like he can’t keep an eye on you?” 

Remus frowned “I don’t think that’s it, I just think he’s worried.”

“Which is fair.” Peter said “You don’t really want to go, do you?”

“I mean... Obviously it’s not my idea of a holiday. But I just want to feel like I’m doing something, you know? Like I’m helping.” Remus said. Peter bit his lip nervously “I’ll be fine, Peter. Don’t worry about me. I’d worry about yourself, honestly, are you sick or something?”

“N-no, why?” He fretted 

“Sorry, you just look a little pale recently.” Remus said “I was just worried is all.”

“I’m fine. Just working a lot.” Peter muttered 

“Come on, this store looks like just your mother’s style.” Remus said, pointing to the cat-themed antique store off the main alley.

——  
Remus got home later that day, quietly closing the front door behind him. After a huge fight, Remus would always tip toe around, as if trying to let Sirius forget he even existed.

“Hey.” Sirius said, leaning on the door of the bathroom in his robe. 

“Hey.” Remus said. He put a hand on the back of his neck and fidgeted with his hair uncomfortably.

“Where were you?” Sirius asked

“I told Peter I’d help him shop for a gift for his mum’s birthday, remember?” Remus said, setting his keys down on the counter

“Right.” Sirius said. He looked down and they both stared at the floor for a minute 

“Can we talk?” Remus shifted his feet 

“I guess we have to.” Sirius said “Do you want a drink?” 

“Sure.” Remus said. He sat on the couch and brought his knees to his chest while Sirius fiddled in the kitchen and brought him a mug with ice and fire whiskey. He settled on the other side of the couch. If it were any other time, Remus would have made a comment about how his tendency to never wear clothes around the house, as his robe was barely covering the necessary bits as he lounged on the arm, but he kept it to himself and swirled the whiskey in his glass.

“So?” Sirius said “Talk.” 

Remus sighed “Sirius, I-“ he stopped and took a second to gather his thoughts “I know this is dangerous. And I don’t know if I want to do it or not, but... I’ve been feeling so useless lately. I just want to do something important, for once.” 

“But you’re doing important work, Remus. I mean, you’ve saved me more times than I can count.” 

“But I just feel like I need to be doing something. Need to be doing something more. I know it’s so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” Sirius sighed “I get it, I really do. I’ve been wracking my brain thinking about why I’m so... stuck on this. Just seeing you the other night... It scared me, Remus.” 

“I know.” Remus said

“I mean it just feels like you’re just being sent into the belly of the beast on your own. I mean yeah, James and I do dangerous stuff all the time but we’re always together at least.”

“I’m scared, too.” Remus said

“But you still want to do it.” Sirius said

“It just- it feels like something I need to do.” 

“But it’s like you have something to prove. To me, to Dumbledore, I don’t know, but to someone.” 

“Maybe to myself?” Remus said “I don’t know. It’s just... there’s been this thing over my head for my entire life, you know? Like my entire life has been defined by this thing that happened to me when I was six years old. And for once, I can actually use it to help people, you know? Maybe... I don’t know, maybe that’ll make it okay. Maybe it can make me okay with myself for once. I mean can’t you understand? With people looking at you a certain way because of your family, and feeling like you need to prove something.”

Sirius paused “I understand. I mean... I know when people in the order start talking about pureblood families I can feel... Defensive. I can’t imagine what you have to be feeling every day.”

They both took a sip

“We can establish a plan beforehand.” Remus said “They won’t send me out there without at least some plan of extraction or training or anything.”

Sirius bit his lip “Can we make one important rule.”

“Of course.” Remus said “What is it?”

“If either of us say it’s time for us to call it quits, we call it quits.” Sirius said

“Call what quits?” Remus said

“All or it, the Order, the missions, everything.” Sirius said

Remus couldn’t help but laugh “And do what?”

Sirius cracked a smile “I was thinking, you open up a bookstore, and I’ll fix up cars and motorcycles in the back, and we’ll live in a cottage in the French countryside and become old crotchety queens together.”

“We can throw garden parties and complain about how overdone Paris has become.” Remus said 

“Exactly. And Lily and James can bring their brood of ridiculously adorable children over every summer and we can teach them all how to swear and play the bagpipes.” Sirius said. Remus laughed at the image and they both smiled for a moment “But seriously, can you agree to that?”

Remus paused and nodded “if you say come home, I come home” 

Sirius sighed “I still don’t like this. And I still think that dumbledore is manipulating you. But if this is something you need to do, I want to support you.” 

“It is.” Remus said 

“Okay. I’m not going to hold you back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus smokes too much, don’t do it it’s bad for you (I say while not following the same advice)


	4. Chapter 4

Mad-Eye Moody looked Remus over, circling him in the basement level of the order headquarters, his magical eye swiveling around, making Remus feel particularly naked and vulnerable. Sirius, James and Peter leaned on the wall nearby.

“I only have a week to get you prepared for this, so you’re going to have to pay attention and get it quick, Lupin.” 

“Yes, sir, I understand.” Remus said

“Professor McGonagall tells me you were the best in your year in Defense Against the Dark Arts.” Moody said 

“I mean, I wouldn’t say that, but-“

“I would.” James said

“Best dueler, too.” Sirius added on 

“Remember that time he broke your nose, James?” Peter laughed

James hissed “Never was quite the same.”

“Eh it deflated your ego a little, that was needed.” Sirius laughed 

“Quiet!” Moody snapped “If you’re going to insist on being here, you need to be quiet.” 

“Right, yes sir.” Sirius said

“Now I’m afraid wand to wand combat might not do you very good if things go south on this mission.” Moody said, continuing to circle him “Greyback has disavowed using wands, so while you’re keeping yours on you, it has to be hidden at all times. You’re only to use it in the instance you need to make a hasty exit, otherwise your cover is blown. What you need to know if how to hold your own in a physical fight.”

James couldn’t help but let out a bark of laughter “Moony?” 

“Hey, I can fight!” Remus said 

“Do you have any experience in hand to hand combat?” Moody asked

“Er- one summer when I was 10 one of my muggle cousins tried to teach me how to box?” He said 

“Were you any good?” Peter laughed 

“No. No, I was rubbish.” Remus frowned.

“Right then, Black, come here.” Moody pokes his cane on the floor, which was padded in soft black material to make it safer for people to train. Sirius stepped forward.

“Right then, Lupin, tackle him.” 

James and Peter were almost kneeled over laughing, holding onto each other 

“If you two can’t shut up, I’m putting a silencing charm on you both that will last so long you’ll have to perform panto for your grandchildren.” Moody yelled

“Sorry! I’m sorry it’s just-“ James wiped a tear from his eyes “It can’t be the first time Moony’s tackled him, eh?” 

Peter nearly fell to the ground 

“Fine then, Potter, you step up!” Moody said, shoving a grinning Sirius back to the side

James frowned “Hey, what about Peter?”

“You have so many funny jokes, let’s see you take a hit.” Moody said “Lupin, go!” 

“Careful, Prongs, Moony’s a biter!” Sirius said

Remus rolled his eyes and targetted James before lunging, his face planting on the ground as James swerved 

“You can’t show him where you’re targeting or he’ll know, go again!” Remus made another lunge, and this time managed to come into contact with James’ ribs and send him to the ground.

“Ow! Hey, get off!” James’ glasses were askew 

“Better.” Moody said “Remember, once they’re on the ground you either run or finish the job before they can. There are no fair fights in the real world, you do whatever you have to to get out alive.”

“Really cheery, Moody” James said, standing up and dusting himself off

“Not everything is for your entertainment, Potter.” Moody said

“I’ll be the judge of that, thanks.” 

“Let’s run it again.”

By the end of the session, Remus was exhausted, every limb felt like jelly “You know, this is why I’ve avoided sports my entire life.” He said. James, Peter and Sirius, who had all been roped into helping him at some point or another, slumped down on the wall next to him.

“I feel so sweaty and gross” Sirius lamented 

“Don’t you do this kind of thing every day?” Remus asked

“I mean yeah, but it was my day off.” Sirius said 

“I prefer dueling.” Remus said 

“We’ll work on that tomorrow.” Moody said  
“that and interrogation training.”

“Jesus Christ, Moody, really taking him through the ringer, eh?” James said

“I’m interested in keeping him alive when we send him unarmed into a den of werewolves, if it takes a little sweat so be it.” Moody yelled

“Alright, alright, fair enough.” He grained and got to his feet “Come on, lads, dinner at ours?” 

“I’m not cooking for you people” Remus said

“Not likely, Bathilda from next door made Lily and me about two dozen casseroles for when the baby comes. And also when we’re too lazy to cook. Which is most nights. Come on, Lily is on bed rest and is going mental on her own.”

———————————

Lazy nights at the Potters were something they all relished. It felt simple, like nights in the common room back at Hogwarts with just the five of them. James, Sirius, and Peter were all bickering in front of the fireplace, trying to figure out the best way to start a fire without magic, and lily was stretched out on the couch with her feet on Remus’ lap.

“I do love watching wizard boys try and figure out magic things” Lily said, rubbing lazy circles into her stomach

“Oh it’s the highest form of entertainment.” Remus said, laughing and turning his head to look at her. She shielded herself

“Please don’t look at me, I’m disgusting.”

“You look amazing, Lily, stop it.” Remus said “Yeah, well, I’m just about sick of being pregnant and it’s only been 6 months.”

“So why the bed rest?” Remus asked

“Eh, Doctor said to be safe rather than sorry. Something with blood pressure. Kept asking me if there was anything that was causing me stress, and I couldn’t really tell him what what happening, could I?” Lily said “But I just wanted a muggle doctor. It’s what my parents did and their parents. I don’t want my kid to not know what my world is like, you know?”

“I think that’s a great thing” Remus said “Then of course, it’ll know how to start a fire without a wand.”

“And then we can mock fear old dad together!” Lily said. She frowned at Remus “You have to promise me you’re going to come back before I pop.”

“I’m going to try.”

“Good, because this little thing shouldn’t have to wait to meet its Uncle Moony.” 

“Well, I can’t keep the sprog waiting, can I?” Remus smiled 

“Please promise me you’re going to be safe, yeah?” She said, biting her lower lip nervously “I’m serious, Remus.”

“Funny, I thought you were Lily?”

“I’m not kidding.” She kicked him a little “I can’t... I don’t want to lose anybody else, okay?”

She had started to cry rather suddenly “Lily, hey. Come on, I’m going to be okay, please don’t worry about me.”

“I know, I know.” She wipes her eyes to try and stop “I’m sorry, I know you’re going to be careful. Baby hormones are killing me.” 

James has drifted over and out a hand on her shoulder “It’s going to be okay, Lily.” He said, but he also looked at Remus with a worried look on his face. Peter and Sirius were standing by the fireplace, Sirius flicking his lighter absently. 

“Right- er- why don’t I teach you three how to do this so you have some practical life skills before I go?” Remus said

“How do you know how to do it?” James asked

“My mother was a scout growing up, taught me how to do it when I was little.” Remus said “That and what to do if you’re pepper sprayed by the cops.” 

They blinked at him

“She did a lot of union strikes in her uni days. She’s had a very full life.”

“Your mother is so unassuming, she’s like 5 feet tall and 54 kilograms soaking wet.” James said, shaking his head “And then every so often you just drop something like that or how she one time spat at a member of parliament.” 

“She’s a bit of a rebel.” Remus shrugged “And the spitting was a while ago. Although depending on these elections I’m not saying she wouldn’t spit on Margaret Thatcher.” 

“Oh I hate that woman.” Lily said “I swear if I have to work with her I’m going to have to quit my job.” 

“Oh but how satisfying it would be to just say things to completely terrify her, knowing she couldn’t say anything to you because you’re a witch.” Remus said 

Lily giggled like “Oh, sorry Ms. Thatcher, I’m going to have to leave a bit early so I can go to my friend’s house for tea! Oh yes he’s a werewolf and his boyfriend is one of those nice punks you see around London.”

“Can you imagine the shade of red she would go?” He cackled 

“Oh fuck her.” Lily laughed 

There was a chime from the kitchen and James popped up to take a casserole out of the oven. Lily raised her hands to Remus 

“Help me up.”

“Oh no you don’t!” James called “The doctor said bed rest, and I’m saying it to.” 

“I’ve been on this couch all day, James, my ass is numb!” Lily yelled

“I’m sorry, but you have to keep your feet up for a few more days.” James said “I will bring it to you and anything else you may need”

“Worry-wart.” Lily yelled

“Keep her there, Remus.” 

—————  
The next day, Moody had Remus come in alone. He sat him down on a stiff wooden chair in the kitchen and paced back and forth in his stilted, limping way.

“Right then.” He started “I’m not going to lie to you, Lupin, this is risky. I one have to tell you how dangerous Greyback is, I reckon you have a fair few scars that can speak to that, eh?” 

Remus tugged at his shirt sleeve “Yes, sir.” 

“My top priority right now is making sure you get through this alive, and making sure no Death Eater goes after your loved ones to get to you. I’m going to need you to be completely honest with me.”

“Do you think they would do that?”

“I don’t think there’s an end to what these people will do.” Moody said “Your parents still alive?”

Remus nodded

“Where do they live?”

“Llanuwchllyn.” He said. Moody raised an eyebrow “It’s a real place, we’re Welsh.” 

“Any siblings? Family you’re close to?” 

“No, it’s just me. We used to see my Mum’s family, but not much anymore.” Remus said 

“Good. You’re going to need to tell your parents you’re going away for a while, but you can’t tell them what you’re doing. This is top secret, nobody in the Order outside your friends and Dumbledore knows.” Moody said. He continued to pace “How many people in the world know you’re a werewolf?”

“Well, counting you? Maybe 18?” Remus said “Not counting the ministry and people from St. Mungoes when I was a kid, but I doubt they’d remember me. I haven’t really been back since.”

“Do you trust all of them?”

Remus hesitated “No. There was an incident while I was at school and another boy in our year found out. Dumbledore made him swear not to tell anybody and as far as I know he never has but... We’re pretty sure he’s a Death Eater now. I have no way of knowing if they know about me.”

Moody scratched his chin and grunted “That’s not ideal, but we’ll just have to operate under the assumption that he’s kept his word. I’ll have a chat with Dumbledore about it. Of course we’re also keeping extra protections on the Potters and Pettigrew. You and Black live together, yes?”

Remus felt his face grow hot at the anticipation of this line of questioning “Yes. For about a year now.” 

“How would you categorize your relationship?” Moody asked bluntly 

“Oh. Well? I don’t really like traditional labels because I think it puts a lot of pressure on relationships and-“

“Lupin.” Moody snapped “Completely uninterested.” 

“He’s my partner, I guess? Is the best word for it.” 

“We’re going to have to move him while you’re away.” 

“Sorry, what?” Remus asked

“Keeping him alone is too dangerous. If the death Eaters find out about the two of you, particularly the members of Black’s family, they’re going to do whatever they can to ‘trim the family tree’ is their way of putting it. If they find out about your status as a werewolf throughout this, they’ll go straight to him.” Moody said “We’ll set up arrangements. For safety reasons, we can’t tell you where he’ll be.”

“What?”

“They’ll torture it out of you if they have to, we can’t take that risk.”

“What if they already know?” Remus asked

“Is that a concern?”

“I mean, I don’t know. Sirius told his parents and brother before he ran away. They don’t know about me, but they know we’re together. I don’t know if they said anything but-“

“You trust too easily, Lupin.” Moody sighed “it’s going to cost you, one day.”

His magical eye was fixed right on Remus’ and it filled him with dread 

“Let’s move on. Only bring the essentials, from what we know they’re roughing it in the highlands for now. No running water, no beds, no heat, so take what you can carry that’ll keep you warm and dry. Can’t have you dying of exposure while you’re at it. When you find them, you’ll be brought to Greyback right away, and this part is tricky. Odds are, he’s kept track on you and knows that you’ve stayed among wizards for your whole life. You need to be able to convince him that you’ve given it up, that you’ve come to join him for good.” 

“How do I do that?” Remus asked

“Rail against wizards, talk about how you’ve been mistreated, do what you have to to make him believe it.” Moody said “If you can get some fresh bruises on you face in some way, that would be ideal. Make up a story about how you were ran out of town and got sick of it.”

Remus modded, a sense of dread growing in his stomach. This was a bad idea, he knew it.

“One more thing, you’re going to want to cut your hair.”

“My hair?” Remus asked. It was getting a little shaggy, he knew, but it was far from long, like Sirius’” 

“You won’t have any way to wash it.” Moody said “and it makes you look young.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Possibly.” Moody said “One more thing, when it’s time for you to get out, youre going to want to apostate away as soon as you can and then send a patronus giving us your location. We’ll come and get you from there. Don’t try and come directly to the order, we don’t know if they can trace us or not.” 

“Right.” Remus said. Moody put a hand on his shoulder

“Keep your head straight and you’ll be fine. Take the next few days and get everything in order, I’ll see you back here on Friday.” 

————————

Remus apparated to the woods near his parents cottage. It was early, a gentle mist was rolling off the hills in the distance, making everything seem like the a scene in a fairy tale. He walked out of the woods on a well-worn path and began walking up the road, which had never been paved as long as they had live there. The Lupin’s cottage was well off from the other houses, made of grey stone. There was a short wooden gate in the front and an overgrown, weedy garden breaking out of its confines. Remus stepped over some ivy and went to the door. His dad must have painted it recently, it had gone from red paint that was chipping to a deep blue. 

He knocked on the door, glancing around him to make sure nobody was following him. When there was no answer, he knocked again, louder this time.

“Hello?”

“Alright, alright, I’m coming! You know it’s 6 in the bloody morning, and I-“ the door unlatched and his mother stepped out, closing a grey polka-dot bathrobe over her pajamas and her short brown hair in disarray. “Remus!”

“Hey mum, sorry to come so early.”

“Come on, it’s bloody freezing, get in here” She ushered him inside “What are you doing up so early?”

“I had some stuff to do so I got an early start.” Remus said. 

“You’ve been so busy lately.” She said. She walked into the kitchen and poured Remus a cup of coffee without asking him if he wanted one (he did). She sat down at the kitchen table and rummaged in her pocket until she found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and handed one off to Remus as well.

“I didn’t wake you up, did I?” He asked

“No, no. You know me, as soon as your dad is awake I’m theoretically conscious, it just takes me while to catch up with the world” she said 

“Is dad here?” Remus asked “I kind of need to talk to you both.” 

“He stepped out to go shopping before the ‘crowds’ get to the store. I told him that this is Llanuwchllyn, and that there are about 900 people in this village so even if all of them were there at once there wouldn’t be much of a crowd, but you know how he gets.” Hope said, stopping to light her own cigarette “What’s going on, love?”

“Nothing, I just... I don’t want to get into it until dad gets here, yeah?” He said 

“Alright, fair enough. Tell me something else, then. How’s work?”

“Awful.” Remus sighed “I hate my boss, I’m underpaid and overworked.”

“I told you you should strike.”

“Strikes aren’t really a thing in the Wizarding world, at least I’ve never heard of them.” 

“Perfect then, they won’t know what hit them.” Hope grinned “You’re taking care of yourself, though? Eating properly?”

“Yes ma’am.” 

“Good boy.” She said “How’s Sirius?”

“He’s... Sirius. Never really seems to change.” Remus said “So at least there’s consistency.” 

“Bring him with you next time, if his own mother is going to be shit, I at least should be able to mother him.” 

Remus grinned “I’ll do that.” He said “though I think dad scared him off for a while.”

Hope rolled her eyes “I told him not to go storming over there, but he wouldn’t listen. He was worried about you.”

“I know. I just wish I could convince him Sirius wasn’t evil.” 

“He’ll get over it one day. I think the first day you brought him home, seeing his son with a long haired boy on a motorbike shook him a little bit.” 

“But it’s Sirius, you’ve known him since we were 12.” 

“It’s different when that person goes from ‘this is my friend, Sirius’ to ‘this is my boyfriend, Sirius’. And as much as your dad pretends otherwise, he is an old fashioned kind of man. He likes things going according to plan. You’re just like him in that regard. 

“Oy, don’t say that.” Remus winced

“Remus, you started planning our itineraries for our shopping trips when you were eight.” Hope said, she released back in her chair and took a drag of her cigarette “I just mean that you both tend to want things to go exactly the way you want them to go and life doesn’t work like that. It’s messy. So I think your dad just got spooked. He just wants you to be happy and safe and I think he looks at Sirius and you and knows it’s making your life just a little more complicated than it already was.”

“I am happy, you know that right?” Remus asked 

“Of course I do. You can see how much you love that boy from a mile away.” 

“Yeah?” Remus smiled

“Oh yeah. You’ve got it bad, mister.” 

There was a click of the front door and Lyall called through the kitchen “No luck on the salmon so I got trout instead” he called “but I did get more do that coffee you like.”

“Love, Remus is here.” 

Lyall popped his head out of the kitchen “Remus, hello.” He said, looking him over “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, dad.” He said

“The moon wasn’t too rough on you?” He asked

“A couple scratches here and there but nothing too major.” Remus said 

“Good, good.” There was a lull “Were you in the neighborhood, or?” 

“I needed to come and tell you two something, actually.” He said, suddenly a little nervous. He tapped his cigarette on the lumpy ashtray he had made his mum one year when he had gone to primary school in the village, more out of a need to do something with his hands than anything else. Lyall sat down and exchanged a look with his wife.

“Well- er- I have to go away for a while. I can’t tell you where. I know that sounds bad, but it’s really important or I would tell you.” 

“‘Going away’? What does that mean?” Lyall said “Is this for work?”

“Not exactly. It’s, well, it’s for the Order. I really can’t say anything else I’m sorry, it’s top secret.” He said

Hope crosses her arms over her chest “I don’t like the sound of that.”

“Remus, you know I already don’t like the idea of you fighting in this and now you’re being sent away for some secret mission?” Lyall said

“Look, Dumbledore asked me to do this. It’s- it’s something only I can do. It’s important and I want- no I need to do it.” Remus said

“No. Absolutely not.” Lyall said, standing up.

“I’m searching for the part of the conversation where I asked for your permission?” Remus said

“Don’t be like that. You’re still my son, no matter how grown up you think you are.”

“Dad, this is something I need to do, okay?”

“No, okay! If you’re asking for my blessing or whatever else, I’m not giving it.” He said

“Lyall, Remus, both of you sit down and take a breath. Hope snapped. Both of them immediately swiveled to look at her and slowly sat back down. She stared at them for a moment, her voice was steady but thick as if she wanted to cry “Remus, is this really something you feel like you have to do?”

“Yes. Mum, it is.” 

“And do you think you’re doing it for the right reasons?” She asked

“Yes. Look, you always taught me that I should always stand up against tyranny, no matter how impossible it seems, right? That’s what I’m trying to do. I want to do this for the greater good.” 

She pondered this for a moment “I trust you.” She looked to Lyall “Do you trust him?”

“I-“ he sighed and looked Remus over “I trust you. I know you have a good head on your shoulders just- please come home.”

“I promise I will.” Remus said

“How long will you be gone?” Hope asked, her voice almost a whisper 

“I don’t know. At least a few months.”

“And you cant give us any indication where you’ll be or what you’ll be doing?” Lyall asked

Remus shook his head “I’m sorry. But the Order will be keeping tabs on me. Sirius is going to contact you if anything- if you need to know anything.” 

“Right.” Lyall said, staring at the ground “When do you leave?” 

“Day after tomorrow. Early.” 

“Will you at least stay for breakfast?” Hope said in a quiet voice

“Of course, yeah.” Remus said, feeling his eyes well up with emotion he tried to press down “Do you want me to cook?”

“Oh thank god, your dad is a horrible cook.” Hope laughed, wiping a tear from her eye 

“I’m not terrible!”

“You burned rice last night.” Hope said

“I’m better than you, at least.” Lyall said

“How was I raised by you two?” Remus shook his head. “Can I borrow the floo? I just want to let Sirius know I won’t be home for a while.” 

Hope fixed Lyall with a stare and he shifted “Er- why don’t you invite him. Here. For breakfast.” He said

Remus paused “Are you sure?”

“Why not? I... i probably owe him an apology for the other day anyway.” Lyall said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well then, I’ll ask. I’ll be right back.” 

He threw the floo powder into the fireplace and said their address before sticking his head in 

“Sirius?” He called out “Sirius!” 

He heard footsteps from the bedroom and a rather naked Sirius walked up 

“Morning love” he said sleepily “How’re your parents?”

“They’re good. My dad has asked if you’ll join us for breakfast.”

“Your dad?” Sirius blinked “That’s new.” 

“I know, do you want to come?” He asked

“You’re cooking, right?”

“Yes of course” 

“Cool. I’ll be there in a minute I just have to put clothes on.”

“That would be ideal.” Remus said. He pulled his head out of the fire and dusted himself off, returning to the dining room.

“Right then, he’s just getting dressed. French toast for breakfast?” He suggested

“Oh I love it when he comes home.” Hope said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For time context, this is in like the winter of 1979 even though Margaret thatcher was elected in May that year but none of us are here for historical accuracy let’s be real.
> 
> The next chapter is going to have some explicit context so be warned
> 
> "If you trust the government, you're an idiot"- actual quote from Hope Lupin


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING this chapter is contains explicit sexual content of a though and BDSM-esque nature so if you’re not down, skip this chapter! You won’t miss any plot.

Remus and Sirius got back home a few hours later, even Remus feeling a little jittery from the amount of caffeine and nicotine he had consumed keeping pace with his mother

Sirius immediately crashed on the couch “I’m not eating for a month.” He said “I had a good time though.”

“I’m glad.” Remus said. He stayed standing and shifted a little “Listen, I have kind of a weird request.” 

Sirius looked at him, puzzled “Oh?”

“I- well Moody was going over everything I need to know yesterday, and he was talking about how I needed to blend in with the pack and make them believe my story of leaving the Wizarding world behind.” Remus babbled

“Okay? What do you need to do to?”

“I need you to punch me in the face.” 

Sirius gaped at him like a fish “Oh fuck, I can’t do that.” He said “it’d feel so... wrong.”

“I punched you that one time” Remus pointed out

“Yeah but that was justified! It was during all that shit 5th year, I would have punched me too.” Sirius said, he stood up to get a drink of water “I can’t just sucker punch you.”

“It won’t be a sucker punch. It’d be... consensual.” Remus said “I want you to do it.” 

“Remus, not that this isn’t a complete ‘Venus In Furs’ type fantasy thing, you saying that, but I’d feel weird.” 

Remus cocked his head to the side “So you’ve thought about it before?” 

Sirius crosses hugs arms “Not like, punching you like that, god.”

“But other stuff? ‘Venus In Furs’ stuff?” Remus smiled a little, taking a step towards him 

“I mean.... okay, yes. Maybe a little.” Sirius said, closing the space between them 

“So what if we.... I don’t know, what if we built up to that?” Remus suggested, his face beet red

“Wait are you-? Are you turned on by that?” Sirius said “Me... Dominating you?” 

“Maybe a little.” Remus said, looking down into his eyes “Does that turn you on? The idea of me getting on my knees for you?”

“Fuck.” Sirius muttered. He ran a hand through Remus’ hair and gave an experimental tug. Remus let out an almost involuntary moan. “Do you want me to hurt you?”

Remus swallowed hard and nodded. Sirius pulled on his hair again, pulling him down to his eye level and kissing him roughly, his teeth scraping on Remus’ lips. 

“Are you sure you want this?” Sirius muttered 

“Yes.” Remus said “Yes, yes.” 

“Have you thought about this before?” Sirius asked, grabbing Remus’ chin in his hand and examining the scar running from the right side of his chin that disappeared down his collar, the only one visible on his face. Remus moaned and Sirius tightened his grip. Remus nodded again and licked his lips. Sirius nudged him down and Remus sank to his knees. Standing up straight, Remus was a few inches taller than Sirius, so seeing him on his knees, gazing up at him was almost more than he could stand. He could feel himself growing hard already.

“What if it’s too much?” Sirius asked

“I’ll tell you to stop, don’t worry.” Remus assured him. 

Sirius touched his face before pulling his back and striking Remus across the face with his open palm. Remus recoiled and groaned. “Harder.”

Sirius did it again from the other side, harder this time. “Yes, yes, please, Sirius.” He said, turning his face up towards him

“You really want me to punch you?” He asked, making sure again just in case he changed his mind. 

“Please. Hit me.” Remus turned his head so there was a bigger swatch of his face exposed. Sirius’ cock twitched at the though of his beautiful face with a dark bruise blooming across it. He reeled back and struck Remus, hitting him on his cheekbone hard. Remus was knocked down and Sirius stopped

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked

“Yes, yes I’m great.” Remus said sitting back up on his knees. Sirius leaned over and put a hand gently on the spot he had struck, running his thumb on the already red spot. He slapped him again over it and Remus gasped. Sirius glances down at him 

“You’re getting hard from this, aren’t you?” Sirius asked, cocking his head to the side 

Remus flushed “Yes.” He drew his hands over the front of Sirius’ jeans and snaked his way to his belt. He paused and looked up at him, biting his lip in anticipation. Sirius ran his fingers lightly over his face and his lips, pausing for a moment before pushing them into Remus’ mouth. Remus moaned again and waited as Sirius drew back and slowly removed his jacket and shirt and went to his belt. Remus’ eyes were blown out, dilated like he was on drugs. 

Sirius stopped “take of your clothes.” 

Remus nodded and began to fumble with the buttons on his flannel shirt, pulling it off with the t-shirt he had underneath. He made quick work of his trousers and pants and then returned to his spot on his knees before Sirius, thankful for the plush rug they had bought for the living room. Sirius paused for a second and admired the sight of him kneeling as setting sun filled their apartment with golden light.

Remus shifted “Sirius, please?” He groaned. Sirius was brought back to the situation at hand and finally let his hands drift to his belt, unbuckling it and lowering his jeans to free his cock. Remus leaked forward and Sirius slapped his cheeks a few times and then slipping his cock into his mouth. Sirius let out a cry and clutched onto Remus’ hair and pulling hard. Remus responded with a moan and licked up and down his cock, stopping to run his tongue over the tip. 

“Fuck, Remus.” Sirius moaned. He was way too good at this, Sirius was barely keeping his composure as Remus began bobbing his head “Touch yourself for me.” Sirius said. He whines and let his hands drift down to his own cock, which had been growing painfully hard.

It wasn’t long before they were both pushed over the edge. Sirius pulled away from Remus’s mouth and sputtered on his chest, Remus came a second later, putting a hand over his mouth to muffle the sound.

They both paused for a moment, catching their breath and staring at eachother. Sirius fell back and collapsed into the couch, breathing heavily. Remus cracked a a smile and laughed breathily, his head coming a rest on Sirius’s knee. Sirius gestured for him to come and sit next to him and Remus obliged, coming to rest in his arms.

Sirius studied his face and the dark bruises forming over his cheek bone. He suddenly felt a twinge of guilt “does it hurt?” Sirius asked

Remus shrugged “I’ve had worse. And I liked how I got this one a lot more than those” he grinned

“Wow, that was...”

“Intense.” Remus said, he blushed “Did you... like that?”

“Fuck, what a stupid question.” Sirius grinned. He lightly brushed his thumb over the bruise. “Hang on.”

He stood up for a second and went to the freezer and got a pack of frozen peas and a washcloth and handed both to Remus. He smiled “Thanks.”

He gingerly pressed the peas over his cheekbone, wincing a little.

“Well at least we’ll have that to remember when we’re not having sex for several months.” Sirius said

Remus laughed “You’re telling me.” He paused “you know you can, right? If you want to.”

“What?”

“Have sex with other people.” Remus said “I don’t mind.” 

Sirius shrugged “It’s so much work. You can, though.” 

Remus smirked “Nah.” 

They sat there for a while, Sirius tracing lazy circles on Remus’ shoulder. Remus had gotten up and put in a Velvet Underground record on at some point and they let it run through the first side and were too lazy to get up and change it. 

“What time do you have to leave tomorrow?” Sirius finally asked

“Early.” He said “5:30.” 

Sirius frowned and pressed the flat of his palm across Remus’ chest absently “Please be careful.” Sirius mumbled

“I promise.” He said back. He kissed the top of Sirius’ head “Do me one more favor?”

They pulled one of the wooden chairs from their dining room table into the bathroom and Remus sat backwards while Sirius pulled out the pair of electric clippers they had stashed in the back of a cupboard. Sirius ran a hand through Remus’ brown hair, ruffling the soft curls and watching how the horrible lighting in the bathroom made his strands of silver hair, which he’d started getting even while they were still in school, shine and become prominent. 

Sirius felt a pang of sadness as he flicked the clippers on and drew them across Remus’ head. Sirius never seen the other with such short hair, he’d always kept it just long enough to go past his ears. He knew not everyone had the same intense revulsion of cutting their hair. Sirius’ mother had often used it as a punishment over summer holidays, shearing off his long black hair to the scalp if he mouthed off one to many time. He still hated the feeling of having his hair cut, and would only let Remus do it when he needed to trim the ends and he could feel his reassuring hand on the back of his neck as he carefully cut away the dead ends. 

It didn’t take long for Sirius to shear it away, leaving a centimeter of prickly hair behind. Sirius ran his hands over it, tracing his fingers over a scar above Remus’ ear he had never seen before. 

“How do I look?” Remus asked. Sirius smiled fondly

“Like someone sucker punched you and shaved your head.” He said. Remus laughed “You look older.” 

“Yeah?” Remus said, looking at himself in the mirror “Oh wow.” 

“What do you think?”

“I think I look like my dad.” He said, running his hands over his scalp and turning to face Sirius

Sirius leaned over and kissed Remus. It was deep and tender, like Sirius was trying to pour everything he was feeling into a kiss instead of saying it. He paused and closed his eyes, resting his forehead on Remus’ for a moment. Remus responded by wrapping his arms around Sirius’ waist and holding him. They stayed linked for a long time, until Remus had to leave to go pack his bag. Sirius sat in the bathroom for a moment longer, watching the space in the door Remus was a moment before.


	6. Chapter 6

Remus’ rucksack was filled to the brim with the following:

3 pairs of jeans, two lined with flannel on the inside  
5 t-shirts, most of which had been stolen from Sirius  
2 flannel shirts given to him by his father  
2 sweaters  
Socks he had charmed so they always stayed dry and warm  
A copy of “A Single Man” by Christopher Isherwood  
A copy of Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut  
One old tent he had borrowed from his dad.  
A notebook to write down the things he needed to report back, charmed the same way they had the marauders map so it would erase itself if Remus said the right phrase  
Four packs of cigarettes and a large pack of matches. 

Sirius had teased him about his stash of cigarettes, but Remus had no idea how long he would be gone and if he would have access to stores or friendly strangers, so he was prepared just in case. On top of his pack, he had attached a sleeping bag and a tarp. 

That morning, he got up early and assembled his bag while Sirius watched from the bed, saying nothing. He silently got up and got dressed, wearing one of Remus’ sweaters that he was a little too muscular for, but did it anyway. 

Remus got dressed in layers and got his coat, which was long and patched from years of use. It was tattered but warm, and he had seen a hidden compartment in the lining where he was to hide his wand. It was also bewitched so nobody but him could find it. 

He put on Sirius’ boots, which he had insisted Remus take because they were more durable and warmer than his own. He put a knit cap over his shaved head and turned to Sirius who gave him a weak smile. Neither of them spoke while they headed to headquarters. James met them in the front of the house and gaped at his face.

“Merlin, Remus, what the hell happened? We haven’t even sent you into the werewolf pack yet.” 

“Moody told me it would help sell the story.” Remus said, blushing a little. Sirius smirked slightly

James raised an eyebrow “I really don’t want to know what that look was so I’m not going to ask.” 

“That’s the only smart idea you’ve ever had, mate.” Sirius said, clapping him on the shoulder. They walked into headquarters, where Dumbledore and Moody were waiting for him. Moody crossed his arms over his chest and looked Remus over. Sirius was glaring at Dumbledore from across the room. 

“Perfect.” He said “You’ll blend right in. You’re clear on the plan?”

“Yes, sir.” Remus said

“Good.” Moody clapped him hard on the shoulder.

Dumbledore brought Remus in closer “I came across this funny little device I thought would help you.” He handed him a small brass device that looked like a compass. “Simply tap it twice and say who you’d like to see.” He winked and Remus took it in his hands and looked back up at Dumbledore

“Thank you, sir.” He said “I’ll leave you to say your goodbyes. Alister, some tea?”

Moody nodded gruffly and they wandered into the kitchen.

Remus pocketed the compass and turned to James and Sirius. James smiles nervously.

“You’re going to do great, Remus.” James said, pulling him into a hug. When he spoke, his voice was thick as if he was going to cry. “Please take care of yourself, we won’t be there to beat up anybody who gets on your bad sided yeah?”

James released him and dried his eyes on his shirt sleeves

“I will, I promise.” Remus said “this isn’t goodbye, James? Okay? I’m going to be back.” 

“I know. I know. You better. You’ve got to come back and meet my son.” 

Remus blinked at him “A son?” He said “You’re having a son?” 

“I’m having a son.” James beamed “We found out yesterday.” 

Remus grinned and embraced him again and clapped him on the back “I’m going to be back to meet your son.” Remus said “I promise.” 

James was openly crying now, whether out of worry for Remus or excitement about the baby, he didn’t know. It was probably a combination, James had always been a crier, if anything was remotely emotional one way or the other he would cry. Sirius used to tease him about it, but Remus always thought it was sweet. 

James dried his eyes again and sighed at Remus “I’ll give you a minute.” He left the room

Sirius turned to him and fiddled with the buttons of Remus’ coat “it’s not too late to back out.”

“Sirius-“

“Nobody will think any less of you.” He insisted

“I’m going to be okay.” Remus insisted. He put his hands on the sides of Sirius’ face “I promise you I’m going to come back.” 

“I hope you’re right. Just-“ Sirius sighed “Just come home to me.” 

“I will.” Remus said, he leaned down and kissed him. “I love you.” 

Moody hobbled back into the room, followed by Dumbledore and James “Alright, enough canoodling, it’s time for you to go.” He looked Remus over again “Keep your head on, Lupin.” 

He nodded. He looked into Sirius’ eyes and kissed him one last time. Sirius’ hand lingered on his coat as he stepped away. James came forward and put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

“Right then.” Remus said, standing a distance away “I’ll see you soon.” 

With a crack in the air, Remus was gone.

Sirius stared at where he had gone and swallowed hard. “I need to leave.” He shrugged off James’ hand and made a beeline for the door, ignoring James’ calls after him.

———————————————

The first thing Remus felt was a shock of cold air to his system. He coughed as he inhaled the sharp air. He glanced around at the tall trees surrounding him. Many were still encased in snow even as the winter was nearing its end. The pack was supposed to be nearby, but not close enough that he would be noticed apparating there. He noticed a small trail of footprints leading deeper into the woods. Swallowing his fear, he set out and followed the path. There was a mist settling around the area that made it look like something out of a scary story parents would tell their children. He supposed it would be a good one ‘now children, don’t go into the woods, haven’t you heard the story of poor Remus Lupin?’ He imagined.

He continued walking for what felt like ages. His lungs ached, which he knew was because of his excessive cigarette smoking but he instead tried to blame on the cold and the altitude instead of anything that was actually his fault. He paused for a moment, leaning up against a tree. Was he even in the right place? He had never accidentally ended up in some random location, but there was a first time for everything. He glanced around the woods and figured he would at least smoke while he walked. He rummaged in his bag and lit one and began walking again. He knew he was loud and conspicuous, but he wasn’t trying to sneak up on the pack, he wanted them to find him. He exhaled and then stopped. He heard something, a twig breaking or something moving. For the first time, it occurred to Remus that there might be something else in the woods. How ironic would it be if they had all spent this much time worrying about Greyback killing him and a mountain lion got him instead? He wasn’t even sure what animals lived in the Scottish woods, but he knew whatever they were probably weren’t friendly. He stood, frozen in place and didn’t hear anything else. He cautiously started walking again, listening for any sign of life around him.

The next thing he felt was impact knocking to the ground. Remus’ cigarette flew out of his mouth and the wind was knocked out of his lungs. There were rough hands grabbing the collar of his coat and knees digging into his chest.

“You picked the wrong place to go hiking, kid!” Said a joyful voice. Remus shook off the haze of surprise and focused on the figure above him. It was a man, probably in his late 30s, though his long, stringy hair was completely grey with only a few streaks of the black it must have been when he was young. There was a long, horizontal scar running down the middle of his face. It had split open one of his nostrils so even now there was a slit in one. One of his eyes was an unseeing white. Remus swallowed hard.

“What are you doing here, eh?” He said, digging his knees in harder

“I’m looking for the pack. For Greyback’s pack.” Remus wheezed 

“You’re looking for Greyback?” The man said, laughing. He took a hand, with long and dirty finger nails and grabbed Remus’ face, turning it from side to side “Please, you look like the kind of thing Greyback eats for dinner.”

He got up with a start and lifted Remus up by the back of his collar, as easily as if Remus was a sack of flour. 

“You want to find Greyback, well then, I suppose I’m making dreams come true today.” He shoved Remus forward, back onto the path “Walk.” 

Remus shivered as they continued on the path for a few more minutes. He started to hear more voices in the distance and the smell of a campfire. Remus’ heart quickened as they came upon a clearing in the woods. There was one small shack in the far edge that looked worse for wear. The rest of the encampment was made up of tents of different types, most of them looked old and dirty. There were about ten in all. Slowly, more and more people started coming out of them or out of the shadows in the clearing to stare at Remus. Most seemed to be in their 30s or 40s, though there were a few people who either looked older or had simply aged poorly, and one or two people around Remus’ age. They were all ragged and more than one had scars like the man who had tackled him. 

“Who’s this, Macmillan?” A gruff older man said, coming out of the tent closest to the shack.

“Some kid, came looking for Greyback.” The man escorting Remus, who he supposed must be Macmillan said, his hand firmly on the back of his neck as if he would be stupid enough to run off. 

“You give that to ‘im?” The older one said, gesturing to the bruise on his face.

“Nah, came with it. Looks like someone smacked him around a bit.” Macmillan said

“Suppose we better wake ‘im up, then?” 

“He in a good mood?” 

“Is ‘e ever?” The older man smirked, walking towards the shack and rapping on the door “Oughtta be fun.” 

“What the fuck d’you want, Jones?” Came a growl from inside the shack

“Some kid jus’ got here, says ‘e wants to talk t’you.” The older one- Jones - called back.

Remus’ heart was pounding in his chest, he willed himself to stay calm as he heard movement from within. He had a job to do, he reminded himself, what more could Greyback do to him?

The door slammed open and a man he had seen in his nightmares a hundred times was standing before him. His clothes were in tatters and his hair was long and dirty. He had cold, grey eyes and his fingernails were filed into jagged points. He looked every bit as horrible as he remembered. Remus swallowed and forced himself to stand taller.

Greyback raised an eyebrow and took a step forward and then gave a toothy grin “Well, well, well! If it isn’t little Remus Lupin!” He said 

“Y-yes.” Remus said

“My god, you really do look a lot like good old dad, don’t you? That must drive him crazy eh? Having one of us share his face.” Greyback laughed 

“I thought Lupin was Dumbledore’s lapdog?” Macmillan said 

“Yes, as far as I heard, he was.” Greyback circled Remus. The other members of the pack had come to see what was happening, most kept their distance from the leader “What’s happened, Lupin?”

“I- I can’t live there anymore. I’m sick of it, I want to join you.” Remus said 

“Well, then! I never thought that would happen. Thought we lost this pup forever when Dumbledore got a hold of you.” Greyback touched his chin and Remus flinched, which Greyback seemed to enjoy even more “Who gave you that?” 

“Some wizards cornered me in an alley.” Remus said “Called me a half-breed, told me to get out. I- I can’t handle it anymore.” 

“You tell dear old dad that?” Greyback cackled “Told him you were coming back to find me?”

Remus swallowed “He wouldn’t have cared what I was doing anyway.” 

“And Dumbledore? What’s he going to do without his pet?” Greyback turned to the crowd of people gathered around “You see, Little Lupin here was hand selected by the headmaster himself to go to Hogwarts and be a good little example of what happens when we force ourselves to be one of them” 

A few of them hissed or sneered 

“There’s no way this kid can survive out here.” Jones said “Look at ‘im, looks like a drowned fuckin’ rat.” 

“Now, now, men, there’s always a place here for family.” He grinned wickedly “A bookish little pet might be useful, you never know, do you?” 

“But, Gre-“

Greyback swiveled and slapped Jones across the face, his sharp nails cutting into his flesh “You’re going to question me?”

“No. No, sir.” Jones said, stepping back 

“Lupin will stay. At the edge of camp, before we know if we can trust him or not.” Greyback said. He turned to the crowd “Davies!” He snapped.

An older woman, probably around his mummy age, stepped out of the crowd “Yes?” She asked

“Take the pup and get him settled. I’ll speak to him personally later.” He grinned and stared directly at Remus in a way that made his skin crawl. Davies gestured for Remus to follow her. Macmillan gave him a shove and he tripped his way through the crowd, the rest of the pack giving him looks as he passed. There must have been around 13 people in total, which was smaller than he had anticipated. Davies lead him to the edge of the encampment 

“What’s your name, love? Afraid my hearing isn’t what it used to be.” She pointed to her ears, one of which was mangled to the point of mostly being a hole in the side of her head 

“Oh. Uh- Remus, ma’am.” 

“‘Ma’am’” she chuckled “Nobody’s called me ma’am in quite some time. My name is Julia.”

“It’s good to meet you. Are you... uh-“

“A werewolf? Yes, I am.” She said “I don’t look it do?” 

“No, not really.” She looked like someone’s great aunt, she was short, with round cheeks and large hips and had long graying hair. She looked like she’d be better suited working at a bakery than roughing it in the woods with wanted criminals.

“I’m one of the old ones.” She said, but didn’t elaborate. She pointed to an empty space “you can set up here, afraid you’ll be bottom of the food chain for a little while.”

“What do you mean?” Remus asked

“Greyback has a hierarchy, you see. The biggest, the most loyal, the strongest, they’re right in his inner circle. They keep the order, and it moves back from there. I’m more or less here out of necessity and not for any kind of desire to be a part of Greyback’s plans. The less than fanatical of us are in the bottom. We mostly cook and take care of things around the camp. You’ll need to prove yourself for a while before you move up.” 

Remus nodded and pulled his tent out of his bag “How long are we staying here?” 

“In this camp? We’ll probably move in a day or so. Greyback doesn’t really tell us when, it just sort of happens. Usually we move between the moons.” She stood up and shook the dirt from her hands  
“I’ll leave you to get settled.” 

She walked away and Remus began fumbling with his tent, trying to figure out how to get it set up while a group of the others watched him and muttered to each other. This was going to be a long mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin: goes camping with two novels and some cigarettes and no survival gear this is going to be great


	7. Chapter 7

It had been a week since Remus had left, and Sirius had spent most of it moving around the house. He had rejected the Order’s wish to move him into a safe house while Remus was away ‘as a precaution’ but resigned to getting more protections put on the apartment. He was pretty sure all the additional magic was messing with their next door neighbor’s head because he had put all of his Christmas decorations back up two months after Christmas was over and was absently singing “Come All Ye Faithful” at odd times of day. Mr. Jeffreys was was an arse to deal with on the best of days so it was frankly a welcome change.

Sirius spent most of the week drinking and sitting in the apartment with the lights off I’m his pajamas and robe, not doing anything but dusting off into space and feeling sorry for himself. He ignored Lily and James’ owls begging him to come over and not be alone. Frankly, he wanted to wallow instead of having to deal with any other people. 

He stood up to pour himself another drink when there was a rush from the fireplace. Sirius whipped out his wand and swiveled around to see Peter standing before him, dusting off his robes.

“Go home, Peter, I don’t want to talk to anybody.” Sirius said

“Well too bad. We’re worried about you.” Peter watched as he poured himself another drink “You do know it’s 10 o’clock in the morning, right?”

“Amazing! Is that what the 10 on the clock means?”

“Sirius, come on, I’m just trying to talk to you.”

Sirius sighed “I’m sorry. I just miss Moony.”

“I know.” Peter said “I’m kind of surprised he ended up going.”

“What do you mean?” Sirius asked

“I don’t know, it just seems like he knew you didn’t want him to go and that made him want to go more.” Peter suggested, he was picking at his cuticles as he spoke, a nervous habit 

“I don’t know if it made him want it more.”

“I guess. It’s like he couldn’t wait to go to them though. It’s weird, right? Like the whole outburst at the Order meeting and then jumping at the chance to go to other werewolves.” Peter said

“He’s been frustrated recently.” Sirius said 

“I know. I’m not saying I don’t understand his frustration. Just a little out of character if you ask me.” 

“What are you saying, Peter? I mean he’s Remus. Are you trying to imply he’s going to run off or something?”

“No, I don’t know.” Peter said “It just seems like he’s keen to be separate from the rest of the Order is all. Like he’s trying to more alone missions.” 

“Dumbledore asked him, he didn’t go looking for it.”

“Yeah but did he argue?” Peter asked “This seems like a situation where he’d argue against it.” 

“No, but... I don’t know, you know how loyal he is to Dumbledore. He’s never been able to tell him no.”

“If you say so.” Peter shrugged “Anyway, James asked me to invite you to dinner tonight and also says that he won’t accept no for an answer.”

Sirius was still thinking about what he had said “Yeah. Sure.” He mumbled

“See you then.”

Sirius didn’t watch him leave but just sat and stared into space, feeling a twinge in his gut over what Peter has said. No. No, it wasn’t strange that Remus wanted to go. It made sense, and Remus wouldn’t lie to him about why he wanted to do something.

But he’s lied before. A voice he couldn’t shake said in the back of his mind. He shook it off and swallowed the rest of his drink.

————————————————

It was the third day walking through the woods. The pack walked single file on the trails, everything they owned strained to their backs. It had happened just like Julia had said, one morning they were eating by their tents and then Greyback came out of his shack and demanded they pack up immediately and leave. Everyone dropped what they were doing and started following his orders, whether out of fear or respect, Remus didn’t know.

The pack seemed to be made up of 8 die hard supporters of Greyback, and a few others who had come out of desperation. Julia was a wife and mother at one point, she had a ministry job and a good house when she got the bite on a camping trip. After that, her husband left her and took her children. She lost her job and wasn’t able to find another one. Eventually she had just given up when she decided to go find the pack. 

Some of the others had joined as soon as they got the bite, either not wanting to face their families or just simply wanting the power that came with it. Two of the die-hards were brothers names Arlow and Ben. Arlow was big, a bit shorter than Remus but twice as broad, Ben was tall and lean but could still take Remus down if he wanted. The two had gotten the bite when they were 10 and their parents had been unable to handle them both, and being a pure blood family they couldn’t deal with the shame so they left them at a boy’s home, where Greyback found them before the next full moon. They were closest to Remus’ age and seemed to resent him being given the opportunity to go to school and live a normal life. 

Arlo has drifted back while they were walking and had shoved Remus off the trail so he lost his footing and fell over. Arlo cackled “What’s the matter, Brainy? Can’t handle a little walk in the woods?”

Remus glared at him and stood back up, dusting himself off. Arlo lunged at him again and Remus swerved, leaving him grasping at air 

“What’s your problem with me?” Remus demanded 

“Listen if you can’t handle a little friendly banter, you outta leave now” Arlo said with a toothy grin “As much as I’m going to love taking you down during the moon.”

“What do you mean?” 

“You’ll see.” He grinned. Ben called his name from up ahead and Arlo gave him one last look before turning back to catch up with the front end of the pack.

Mostly, the others kept to themselves or stuck around Greyback. They were heading deeper into the woods, getting more and more isolated as the full moon neared. Every so often some of Greyback’s favorites would peel off and go to a nearby town and come back with food. Remus was never sure where they got the money for it, but didn’t question it too much. That night, they stopped and made camp and Macmillan came up to him.

“Lupin. Come with us.” He said

“Where are we-“

“Don’t ask questions.” He snapped. Remus stood and brushed off his hands, wishing that he could just take a shower and crawl into his bed at home.

Macmillan lead him to a spot outside the camp where Ben, Arlo and a young woman named May were waiting.

Macmillan kept on walking, not explaining anything. Ben and Arlo were running ahead as giddy as school boys. Remus noticed that Macmillan had only brought the young members of the pack with him. May and Remus fell into step

“Any idea where we’re going?” Remus asked her. She gave him a look but said nothing “right, sorry.” 

“Where do you think we’re going?” She said 

“Uh- I don’t really know the area.”

“Use your brain, lap dog.” 

Remus frowned “Are we getting food?”

“Genius, really.” 

“Why did he only ask the young ones to come?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” She snapped

“Sorry.” Remus said and stared at his shoes. 

She sighed “It’s easier to get food with young ones” 

Remus opened his mouth to ask a question and then closed it. May frowned

“People trust us more than a bunch of creepy old men with varying degrees of deformity.” 

He was still confused and gave her a look. She seemed to be getting annoyed at him “We’re stealing, Lupin!” 

“We’re stealing?” He repeated 

“What do you think we were going to do?” She asked

“I don’t know, I- I’ve never stolen before.”

“Aww, I bet you’ve never broken a rule, huh?” She laughed

“No I got in a lot of trouble at school, just... never any legal trouble” he said

“Listen, if you want to be apart of this pack you’re going to have to get over that.” May said “And we’re stealing from humans, who cares?” 

“I suppose.” Remus said, feeling a twinge of guilt in his stomach 

May clapped him on the shoulder “We’ll get you there.” 

They reached the edge of town and Macmillan turned to Remus “alright, how’s the time to prove if you’re worth this or not. Lupin, you’re going to use that pretty little doe face of yours to distract the shop keeper with May while the rest of us grab what we need, alright?”

“How are we going to do that?” Remus asked 

“Just follow her lead.” Macmillan said “you go in first.”

He shoved the two of them forward and pointed to a grocery store. Remus stood dumbly before May rolled her eyes and dragged him towards the store. As they approached the store, she took his hand in hers and clutched his arm. It was surreal being inside a regular market after a week in the woods. Despite their dirty appearances, the shopkeeper didn’t seem to notice “You two coming off the trails?” She asked. She looked like a kind old lady

May giggled, a noise that seemed completely out of character coming out of her mouth “Yes, Sir!” She said “We just got engaged and decided to take a camping trip to celebrate.” 

Remus was struck dumb as the woman clutches her heart “Oh how sweet!” She said. She leaned over the counter to get a look at them “How did you propose, lad?” 

“Uh-“ Remus blanked until he felt May’s elbow in his ribs “Oh, uh- we went on a trip to our old school, where we met, and I just, uh- asked her, right there.”

“It was MUCH more romantic than he makes it sound. Men, you know?” She chattered. Remus noticed Arlo walking in and sneaking off into the back, followed by Ben as the old woman laughed 

“Oh don’t I know it, my husband wouldn’t know how to be romantic if a flower truck hit him!” She laughed 

“THIEF!” A man’s voice yelled from the back. Remus swiveled around and saw Ben on the ground, the barrel of a rifle staring him down, who must have been the old woman’s husband behind it. 

“Hey old man, you don’t want any trouble.” He said

“You get out of my store, eh?” He said. Remus wanted to yell at him to look out as Arlo came up behind the man and slammed a broom across his head

“What are you doing?” Remus yelled, running forward 

“Stay out of it, Lupin!” Ben said

“Oh my, you were- you were trying to trick me!” The old woman said. The man was groaning on the ground from where he’d fallen. Arlo was cackling 

Ben threw a bag at Remus “Just go fill this up.” 

He was dumbfounded, May slapped him “Lupin, go!” She yelled. Remus did what he was told and filled the bag up, mostly with meat from the butcher counter and other things they could cook. Arlo was busy grabbing chips and sweets and lager.

“Okay lets go.” Ben snapped as Remus handed him the bag. They turned toward the door and Remus heard a noise as the old man picked up his rifle again and fired a shot.

Remus hadn’t done wandless magic in a while, but without thinking he threw up his hand and imagined he was pushing the rifle out of the way. The shot embedded itself in the glass of the milk fridge. Everyone froze for a moment before May regained her feet “Go! Let’s get out of here!” She said. His heart in his throat, Remus followed them as they ran out of the store and back to the woods, Ben and Arlo whooping with glee as they found their way back to Macmillan 

“Don’t look back, keep going!” May snapped. They kept running until they reached a point of safety. Remus’ hands were shaking and his lungs were protesting against the running

“Mate that was SICK.” Arlo said, clapping Remus on the back

“How’d you do that?” Ben asked

“I-i dunno it just happened.” 

“What did you do?” Macmillan asked

“Wandless magic” May said

“Stopped me and B from having holes in our arse.” Arlo said

Macmillan clapped Remus on the back “Good work. Greyback will hear about this one.”

“Oh. We- thanks.” Remus said. 

They trudged back to camp, Arlo and Ben recounting the heist over and over again by the campfire. Remus could only stare at his feet, seeing nothing but the old couples’ look of terror. He felt awful, like he had a stomach ache that wouldn’t go away.

A hush fell over the group as Greyback came out of the tent he’d claimed for himself in lieu of an actual structure that he would usually take. He pointed to Remus and gestured for him to join him. Remus felt like the breath was knocked out of him, he could feel his heart pumping as he followed him.

Greyback’s tent was a magical one, bigger on the inside. He had a fireplace of his own and a dirty bedroom full of chicken bones covering the bed. He sat down in a ratty old armchair and put his feet up on a table. He pointed at a wobbly wooden chair “sit.” 

Remus did so and Greyback smirked “You really are a lapdog, aren’t you?”

Remus turned red “I-I’m really not.” 

“You do everything you’re told?” 

“Not always.” Remus said

Greyback leaned back and sized him up “You’re afraid of me. Don’t argue, I can smell it. I’d think you’d be grateful.” 

“Grateful?” Remus said, shaking “You almost killed me and you ruined my life.”

He let out a bark of laughter “You’re still holding onto that? I gave you a gift.” 

Remus narrowed his eyes at Greyback “What did you want to talk to me about?”

Greyback stood up “Macmillan told me about your escape today. How you deflected the bullet without a wand.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Remus said 

“How?” Greyback paced. He had a wild look in his eyes 

“I-uh- I learned how to do it in school. Wandless magic.”

“So you could teach others?”

“I... I guess.” Remus said “It’s difficult, not everyone can do it. I’m not exactly an expert.” 

Greyback grinned, his teeth sharp and yellow. “You’re going to teach me. After the moon.”

“What? Why?” 

Greyback raised an eyebrow “You’re questioning me?”

“N-no.” Remus said “I just- I didn’t think you wanted anything to do with magic.” 

“No! See, they don’t want you to have magic! They don’t want any of us to learn magic because they’re afraid of what we’re going to be able to do!” He was pacing wildly now, his movements erratic like an animal in a cage “That’s why they deny us wands, you see that, don’t you?” 

“I- uh- I guess I’ve never thought of that before.” Remus said

“Then you’re a fool. They’ll never let us have what we want, we have to take it. And this is how we can do it.” 

“Oh I don’t know, I...” Remus stuttered

Greyback put a disgusting hand on his face “After the moon. Now go, you’ll need your rest.” 

Remus was ushered out of the tens, leaving feeling a deep dread in the pit of his stomach as he trudged back to his tent. He climbed in and zipped the door shut behind him and curled up in the corner, shivering in the cold. His head was swimming with images, of the old couple and of Greyback. He knew this was the job, he was warned it was going to be hard but he hadn’t known that it would be like this. He wished he would talk to Sirius, wished he could be held and could ask him what he thought about this, if he thought that doing all of these things made him a bad person even if it was for a good reason. 

There was a thump on the side of the tent that made Remus jump. A moment later May unzipped the tent and hopped in. There was a red flush to her cheeks and she pulled out a bottle of liquor from her coat and handed it to him “libations?” 

Remus took it and squinted at the label “Jesus this is basically rubbing alcohol.”

“That’s why you don’t steal the cheap stuff.” She said, taking a seat “You seem like the uptight type. Figured you might need a drink. You gotta hide this shit from the others of they’ll drink it all.” 

“You’re chattier than you were earlier.”

“Well I’m drunk.” She said. Remus winced as he took a drink 

She took the bottle back and smirked at him “you didn’t do terribly today, I’m almost impressed.” 

He frowned “I’m not quite feeling good about it.”

She shrugged “They’re humans, you think they wouldn’t have killed us if they had the chance?”

“They were muggles.” 

“Like muggles wouldn’t do it too.” She said “Face it’s Lupin, it’s us or them.”

“I don’t believe that.” He said

She laughed “You’re naive.” She rolled up her sleeve, to a massive burn scar covering most of her left side “That right there? People in my village when they found out I got the bite.”

“Jesus.” Remus said “How old were you?”

“Seven.” She said “You?”

“Six.” He said 

“Ah, so you’re one of Greyback’s too?” She asked, taking a massive swig. Remus nodded. “I’m kind of surprised you got the bite that young. You’re so- goody goody.”

“I’m really not.” Remus said 

“I bet you are. Bet you’ve never even stuck a toe out of line. Bet you were a prefect at that school of yours” she said

Remus frowned “Okay, yes, I was a prefect I will give you that. But it’s only because dumbledore thought I could keep my friends in line. Which... did not work.” 

He rummaged in his bag for a second and took out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to her. 

“Oh bless you.” She said 

“How long have you been here?” Remus asked 

“In the pack?” She asked, striking a match, which went out. She made a frustrated noise “uhh like, eight, nine years?” 

“Wow.” Remus said “So you were pretty young.” 

“Yeah I just had to get out of my house.” She shrugged “My dad’s a dick, kept me locked up most of the time out of shame and I finally said enough and got out.” 

Remus remembered something that Sirius had said about Dumbledore, how he’d picked Remus to be able to manipulate him “So how old are you?”

“22. Why?” 

“Just curious.” He said

“I can’t get this to light, hang on.” She drew herself in close and pressed her unlit cigarette against the one hanging out of Remus’ mouth and inhaled. From here he could smell her, could see the light glint off her brown eyes. Her hair was dark brown and cropped short around her face.

Her cigarette finally lit and she exhaled in his face “Thanks.” It took him a moment to register that she was now pressing her lips against his.

He pulled back and she looked at him curiously 

“Sorry!” He said, sliding back to the far end of the tent 

“Woah you really are a goody goody.” She smirked

“No! I’m just- gay. Very gay.” He said

“Ohhh!” She shook her head “My bad.” 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t sweat it, I’m drunk and figured you might be down. We don’t get a lot of young guys out here so you always have to give it a shot, you know?” 

“Yeah I guess.” Remus said, his face red

She chuckled and handed him the bottle of liquor “You’re a weird guy, Lupin.” She said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I do headcanon Remus as being bisexual but didn’t realize it for a long time because of his hang ups around the potentiality of him accidentally getting someone pregnant and also a less general understanding of gender and sexuality at the time, so he just hard swerved and only fostered his attraction to men.
> 
> Sorry for the excessive and erratic posting, I’m just writing as stress relief and kind of churning it out.


	8. Chapter 8

“He’s going to be okay.” Lily said. Sirius and James paced around the living room. It was the first full moon since Remus had left for his mission. Nobody had heard anything from him in weeks, which Moody assured them was a good thing. No news was good news in these kinds of missions.  
“he’s done this without you before.”

“I mean yeah, but-“ James started 

“But by himself, not-“ Sirius picked up

“Not with other werewolves around.” 

“Okay it really freaks me out when you do that.” Lily said “Just sit down, please.” 

“What if they kill him, Lily!” Sirius fretted

Lily bit her lip. She was trying to be the voice of reason in this situation but even she had to admit she felt just as nervous.

“Okay, I love you both, but I’m going to need you to shut up and stop talking like that, okay?” She snapped

“Lily, I-“ Sirius started. She held up a hand and he shut up

“I think it would be a good time for Padfoot to come out, don’t you?” She said.

“Yeah. Yeah that might help.” Sirius fretted. He turned into a dog and contributed nervously pacing around the house, going from room to room

“Well now I want to turn into my animagus” James said

“If you want to fix another set of antler holes in the wall, go ahead.” Lily said. She patted the couch next to her “Come here.” 

James sighed and took off his glasses so he could lay on her lap. Lily put her arms around James and he rest his hands on her stomach. 

“I don’t want him to die.” James said softly. Lily rubbed his arm 

“I don’t either.” Lily said “He’s going to be okay.”

“But how do you know that?”

“I don’t. But I have to believe it.” Padfoot came back into the room and gave an anxious bark. James pointed to a free space on the couch and Sirius jumped up and lay his paws over James’ legs and whines softly until Lily reached over and scratched him between the ears. She sighed, knowing it was going to be a long night for them all.

—————————  
Remus always told his friends that he couldn’t remember things that happened during the full moon. He said he remembered the pain leading up to it, the bones crunching and muscles stretching, but at a certain point he’d black out until he came to the next morning. This wasn’t always true. Sometimes, he’s just have flashes, he’d remember a stretch of woods or a smell in the air. Sometimes he remembered everything, could feel the ground beneath his feet when he woke up. It was like dreaming, how sometimes you remembered all of it and could recount every detail back to someone, but sometimes you could only remember that you may have been wearing a lobster as a hat but couldn’t remember why. He didn’t know why he had lied to his friends, maybe it was because it was easier, it meant he never has to answer questions about it or remember what it was like to lose control of his body. 

But this was different. He could feel himself running through the woods, the others at his side and could hear their howls around him. He could hear the big one, his barks almost like laughter coming up to him and growling, his hackles raises. He growled back and they leapt at each other until the other one yelped in defeat. Then they were running again, faster than he’d ever gone again, following the leader as he weaved through the forest with ease, as of he was made to do this.

When Remus awoke, he felt different than he had after any full moon. He felt alive, felt like a fire was going through his bones. Though his muscles were sore he felt like he could run for miles. As ashamed as he felt to admit it, he liked it. He liked running with the pack. He liked transforming under the night sky, not caged and locked down. When he looked at himself, he had no huge gashes on his skin, no wounds beyond the scrapes from the bushes. 

He remembered the first time James, Peter, and Sirius has come with him during a full moon. It has been the first time he’d ever been free to roam, free to run instead of destroying whatever was in the room, including himself. It had been liberating, like the world had changed when he’d woken up. This was something else altogether. He was wrapped up in these thoughts as they walked back to camp. Macmillan fell into step with him

“Incredible, isn’t it?” He said “I remember my first time being free. Felt like the world had changed.”

“It’s... different.”

“It’s how it’s meant to be. We weren’t meant to be locked in cages, we were meant to run. Together. Not to tear ourselves to pieces.” He looked Remus over “They’ve made you so afraid of what you are that you’re ashamed to admit that you loved it.”

“No, I- it was amazing.” He said, remembering that it was his job to make them believe he wanted this “I’m just not used to it.”

“You will be.” He grinned and clapped him on the back  
————————

Another few weeks passed and Remus fell into the routine of the pack. Despite himself, he found it easy to integrate into their lives, despite keeping tabs on everything they were doing. In the recent days, he’d been trying to figure out how to teach Greyback enough about wandless magic to satiate his curiosity without teaching him enough to make him more of a danger than he already was. In doing so, Greyback had taken to allowing him to sit with him and the other die hards at meals. 

One evening, Macmillan came up and handed Greyback something. 

“Came a second ago” it looked like a letter. Greyback flipped it over a few times before handling it to Remus

“Read this to me”

Remus added this instance to his own person list of ‘evidence that Greyback does not know how to read’ which was more for his own amusement than any espionage purpose. Remus took it, the handwriting was an impeccable cursive and it was sealed with wax

“Dear Mr. Greyback,

We have news from the Dark Lord and wish to speak with you in regards to what we spoke about at our last meeting. My associates and I will arrive at dawn. 

Best,  
A. Dolohov”

The words nearly stick in his mouth. He reads it over again so as to memorize the note, but nobody made a move to take it from him. Remus carefully slipped it into his pocket. 

“Finally, I’m sick of waiting for these people.” Macmillan said 

“About time they come back.” Greyback growled. 

“Who... who is this Dolohov?” Remus asked, though he knew “is he one of us?”

“No. He works for a guy who may help us.”

“A quid-pro-quo if you will.” Macmillan said 

“What do you mean?” Remus asked 

“We’ll see tomorrow when they show up.” Greyback said. He stood and spat in the fire “Macmillan, follow me.”

And with that, they disappeared into his tent. Remus ran his finger over the note in his pocket. He finally had something concrete, an actual name and, depending on what he saw tomorrow, a real link from him to Voldemort and not just their theories they weren’t able to prove to the ministry. Quickly, Remus took the note back to his tent and hid it in the secret compartment of his bag. He zipped the tent shut and felt his heart thump with anticipation. He ran his thumb over his wand, stored away in the compartment in his jacket. He contemplated his plan for tomorrow. Dolohov has never seen Remus’ face, he knew that much. Remus knew of him only through the Order’s reconnaissance. The “associates” however, Remus was unsure about. He bit his lip and made a mental note of people who might recognize him. If it was one of the ones who he’d only ever seen in battle, he would probably be fine. It had been at a distance and Remus’ facial hair had grown in having been in the woods for so long so he likely wouldn’t be recognized. His biggest concern would be Snape. He would instantly recognize him, and he was smart enough to put two and two together and know why he was there, and would likely tell Dolohov and Greyback so they would kill him right there. He would just have to hope it was someone different.

He pushed the thoughts away and rummaged in his bag for a moment and pulled out the compass Dumbledore had given him. He felt a little silly using it, but he would simply think about Sirius and there his image was, almost like a chocolate frog card. He was sleeping right now but Remus watched him for a moment anyway, before putting the compass softly beside his sleeping bag and lying down, pretending that he could hear Sirius snoring beside him.

——————  
The next morning, Remus got up early and left his tent as quietly as he could. He could hear Greyback and MacMillan a ways away from camp, leading in the Death Eaters. Remus pressed himself against a tree so he could see them walk towards the camp. There were only two of them. Dolohov, he recognized from a picture Moody had shown him. He was tall and broad, with salt and pepper hair he wore down to his shoulders. Remus couldn’t recognize the other from a distance, but they were getting too close and he was risking being seen by staying slumped behind a tree. He ducked back into camp and made his way into a group around the fire. May nodded to him as he’d grabbed some food and stood near her, making sure he could see the group when they walked in the camp. They got closer and a few people turned to look. Dolohov was walking in between Greyback and Macmillan, obstructing the other Death Eater. Macmillan stepped away for a moment to speak to Ben.

Remus turned and made direct eye contact with Regulus Black.


	9. Chapter 9

Regulus blinked at him for a moment, Remus could see the wheels turning in his brain. 

Remus felt like an animal caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. He was frozen in place. His hand almost shot straight to his wand, but he stopped himself. Regulus hadn’t moved a muscle. If Remus jumped the gun, he definitely wouldn’t make it out of there without a fight. He half expected Regulus to turn to Dolohov and begin to run after him but he didn’t. He simply turned around to catch the conversation Dolohov was having. Remus needed to be in that conversation, but Regulus knew who he was, and even if he didn’t know he was in the Order, he certainly knew that Sirius and the Potters were and that Remus was close to them both. He was sure that Regulus recognized him, but if he did then why didn’t he say something to Dolohov? Or pull out his wand before Remus could react?

The group was walking towards Greyback’s tent. Remus was sure he could hear something through the walls if he could get around without them noticing. He slipped away from the crowd and circled around the camp site, coming around to the other side of the tent and stood in between the tent and a large oak tree and leaned in. The sound was muffled, he considered pulling out his wand and trying out spells to amplify the sound. As he was contemplating this, someone pulled him up and slammed his back against a tree.

Regulus was looking him over “What the hell are you doing here, Lupin?” 

It was surreal to be standing next to Regulus. He looked so much like his brother. Sirius always denied it and said he couldn’t see it, but they had the same face, the same angular nose and high cheekbones, the same grey eyes and the one eyebrow that arched up more than the other. Regulus cut his hair shorter, so it brushed over his eyes slightly as he glared at Remus.

Remus struggled to slip away from his grip , he glanced behind Regulus. He was alone. “I could ask you the same thing.” He snapped. Regulus released him a took a step back. 

“You’re one of them, aren’t you?” Regulus asked 

“One of what?” Remus asked

“A werewolf. You’re one of them.”

“Yes.” He said “Since when are you a Death Eater?” 

“I-that’s none of your business.” Regulus said. He was trying to make himself taller but he was instead giving off the air of a child trying hard to be taken seriously as a man. He must have just left school recently. 

“You’re not like them, Regulus.” Remus said “What are you doing?” 

“Listen, just because you’re fucking my brother does not give you the authority to act like him.” Regulus hissed

“He’s worried about you.” 

Regulus scoffed “Please.”

“You don’t have to do this, you don’t have to join them, we can help you.” Remus said. 

Regulus looked away and Remus could almost see a glimmer of fear in his eyes “I should have told Dolohov I knew who you were.”

“But you didn’t.” Remus said “Why?”

“He owes me. Alright?” Regulus said 

“Please let us help you.” Remus said “Sirius cares about you, he misses you. Just let us help.” 

“You don’t know anything about my brother, Lupin.” He snapped “He’s not who you think he is.” 

“You don’t have to do this just because your mother wants you to. It’s not worth it.”

Regulus got a tight lipped look on his face “We can’t all be Sirius.” He turned to walk away “Stay out of my way, and... Just take care of yourself.”

Regulus walked back to the camp and Remus stared after him. Sirius would be devastated when he found out. He had always held out hope that his brother would turn out on his side, that he wasn’t wrong in seeing some good in him, but now... 

He ducked back behind the tree when he saw Dolohov walk out of the tent, followed by Greyback who shook his hand. Dolohov and Regulus walked a while before apparating away. 

Remus slipped back into camp where May was sitting by herself by the fire. Remus sat next to her “Do you know who those men were?” He asked

She nodded “the big one has been here before, meeting with Greyback about getting his help on something.”

“What does he need Greyback for?”

“That guy, the ‘He Who Must Not Be Named’ one, wants us to fight for him. Greyback reckons that if we do something for him then if he takes over things will get better for us.” She said, almost excited at the prospect

Remus frowned and leaned in “May, that’s not going to happen.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Voldemort, he doesn’t care about us. He just wants to use us.” 

“Doesn’t everyone?” She raised an eyebrow

“I mean... Yes, but things will not be better under him, he wants us dead, he wants the bloodlines to be purified.” Remus said “His ideal future doesn’t involve us.”

“And if the ministry wins, it does involve us?” She snapped “Remus, I’m sick of waiting around for their scraps, aren’t you?”

“The ministry isn’t the other side, the other aide is Dumbledore.” He hissed, trying to keep his voice down 

She laughed “Please. You really are Dumbledore’s lapdog, aren’t you? That’s why you’re here, it’s not to be one of us, it’s to do exactly what those other guys are doing.”

“No, I-“

“Lupin, I want you to listen to me very carefully. You can act like them, you can live among them and fuck them and pretend that what you’re getting is fair, you can even fight their wars for them, but they will never see you as one of them. You’re never going to belong there.” She stood to leave “I hope you see that.” 

She walked away, leaving Remus by himself.

————————-

The next full moon was tonight and despite himself, Remus was almost excited about it. That morning he began preparing, getting his things neatly put away, when Macmillan came up to him

“Lupin, come with us.” Remus furrowed his brow but didn’t ask any questions. 

He put his bag down and followed where Greyback was waiting.

“Lupin, good.” He said. He nodded to Macmillan. “Tonight we’re going to do something a little different. It’s time you proved your loyalty.” 

He said nothing more as he began walking in the opposite direction they had come several days ago. 

“Where are we-“

“Quiet.” Greyback said “You’ll see.”

They were silent for the rest of the walk. Remus watched the sun sink low into the sky. They didn’t have a lot of time before the moon rose. Remus could see trails on the ground that people had walked recently, could smell something in the air. Greyback finally stopped and pointed ahead. Remus’ heart sank into the pit of his stomach as he saw a house. In the yard, two little children were playing. The horror of what was happening hit him.

“No!” Remus said, taking a step back “You can’t be serious.” 

Greyback gave him a wicked grin “Don’t you see, Lupin! It’s a gift, don’t you understand that now?” 

“It’s not a gift!” Remus said “You’re a madman.”

Greyback’s expression soured and he slapped Remus across the face “You’re going to question me, after everything I’ve done for you?”

“I’m not doing it.” Remus said “I won’t bite anybody.”

“We’ll see what you do when the moon comes out. That’s who you really are.” 

Remus had to act fast. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself, let alone Greyback, once they had both transformed. His heart was racing. He didn’t know if his plan was good or completely stupid but he reached into his coat and pulled out his wand

“Stupefy!” He aimed the spell right at Greyback’s head. The man fell back, his eyes wide and his body unmoving. Remus stood over him and out his wand back into his coat. He didn’t have a lot of time, but he began dragging Greyback’s body through the woods. He had an hour before the moon came out and they began transforming. The stunning spell would wear off once it started and Remus had no idea what would happen then. Greyback was much bigger than he was, and it made the process slow and difficult but he needed to get them as far away from the village as possible. He needed to do everything he could to make sure those children were safe. Remus’ entire body was exhausted as he heaved Greyback further and further away from the house. 

When they finally got far enough, Remus cast a spell to hide their scent so Greyback couldn’t follow to back when they got where they were going. He quickly muttered a barrage of protection spells around the hollow. It would keep them contained within the area for the entire night. Which meant that neither of them could leave, but at least everyone else would be safe. He would need to get back to camp as soon as possible after the moon. He bit his lip and though for a moment before slipping his wand back into the compartment and found a tree with high branches. He climbed it as quickly as he could, managing to cut open his palm on its bark. He slipped his coat in a safe place it wouldn’t be disturbed and with his wand he sloppily carved an x into the branch. Satisfied, he jumped back down to where Greyback was beginning to stir. 

The sun had begun dipping slow and Remus could feel the hairs on the back of his neck begin to stand up. Greyback was writhing on the ground, his hair growing out. Remus felt his bones crack and he fell to the ground. Greyback had regained his movement and despite the pain he must be in, stood up to stand over Remus and roar. 

————————————

The first thing he registered was excruciating pain. The next was the drip of something thick into his eyes. Remus woke up and could barely see. The pain was coming from his face obstructing his view. Then Remus remembered everything that happened. He looked around and saw Greyback slumped on the ground. He was covered in blood but judging by the amount of pain Remus was in, he doubted much of it was his. Pushing through the pain, he realized that he only had a moment before Greyback regained consciousness. Disoriented, he walked the perimeter of the hollow and found the tree he had stashed his coat . He cursed himself for putting everything so high now that he was climbing it naked and in pain. He could hardly see but he reached his coat and scrambled back to the ground. He pulled his wand out just when Greyback was standing up. He looked furious. Remus held his wand up, his hands shaky as he lost blood

“Traitor!” He spat. He lunged at Remus and he quickly thought of the campsite and apparated there, narrowly avoiding Greyback’s arms. 

He landed in the middle of the campsite, falling to his side but thankful he didn’t splinch himself. It was empty, everyone else must still be walking back from wherever they had transformed last night. Remus scrambled to his feet and went to his bag, throwing on some clothes and stuffing everything else in it. He needed to get out of here, he was losing blood from his face, he couldn’t see out of one eye and he wasn’t sure if it was just blood clouding his vision or something worse. He had a gash on his stomach and a bite on his neck. He and Greyback must have fought for hours. He felt deeply exhausted, his head clouding.

He heard a noise as he left the tent. The others were returning. They wouldn’t know what happened yet. His heart was pounding and he climbed out of the tents and heading out of camp, ignoring other’s calls to get him to stop. He held his wand in his hand and his mind was racing. His first thought was of Godric’s Hollow and with a crack in the air he was gone. 

————————

Lily was trying to get work done at the kitchen table while her stomach obstructed her movement “I swear you’re getting an eviction notice soon.” She muttered. She heard a thump on the door and James poked his head out of the kitchen, his wand raised. He’d been functioning on the side of paranoid recently, with the baby coming so soon. Lily got out her wand as the thumping continued. James approached the door and threw it open, wand pointing out. It took him a moment to recognize the bloody mess standing in the door.

“Remus! What-?” He keeled forward, James only just able to catch him.

“Oh my god.” Lily said, rushing over “What happened to him?”

“We have to get him to headquarters.” James said

“Headquarters? What about a hospital?” Lily asked

“No hospitals. He made me promise once that if something like this happened I would never take him to the hospital.” He said. He hauled Remus up surprisingly easily, he had definitely lost weight. Lily rushed to the fireplace and threw in floo powder, the fire turned an emerald green

“I’m right behind you.” She said.

James stepped in and said the address and stepped out at headquarters a second later.

“Help!” He yelled out. McGonagall came in from the next room and dropped her tea cup. 

“Oh my goodness, put him- put him here” she flicked her wand and cleared off the dining room table. James ripped open Remus’s shirt and found the most pressing wound, the one on his stomach which was hemorrhaging sticky black blood. He grabbed a tea towel and put pressure over it. He was only in the beginning stages of his work at St Mungoes so he didn’t know what to do. He turned to McGonagall

“I need Madame Pomfrey, she knows how to help him.” He asked. She was gone in a flash, passing lily as she ran to the fireplace

“Lils, I need you to put pressure on the one on his neck.”

She nodded and grabbed another towel and placed it over the wound. Lily turned to Frank Longbottom who was standing in the doorway, eyes wide “Frank I need you to go get Sirius as fast as you can.” 

“Sirius?” He said, his voice a little woozy “Sirius, right. I’ll be right back.” 

McGonagall came back into the room, Madame Pomfrey at her heels. She gasped a little at the sight of him but shook her head and stepped forward, pulling out her wand and muttering to herself

“Mr. Potter, you stay and help me, everyone else he needs space.” She said. Lily hesitated but took her hands off Remus, shaking as she stepped back. McGonagall ushered her away, forcing her to sit down. McGonagall was staring, her eyes almost misty at the sight of one of her students in such bad shape.

“Potter, get me essence of Dittany, now please.” 

James jumped up and ran to the kitchen to get it, pushing through the group that was gathering. There was a rush and Sirius walked into the room. Lily stood to meet him and he took in the sight of her covered in blood

“Lily what’s wrong, are you alright?” 

“I’m fine, Sirius, it’s Remus.” She said through tears. Sirius’ heart sank and he pushed into the kitchen. 

“Oh my god, is he okay? Is he- is he alive?” He demanded

McGonagall followed him and put a hand on his shoulder and pulled him back into the living room 

“Let me go! Let me go back in there, let me-“

“Sirius.” She said, Sirius swerved to face her “You need to let them do what they can to help him, there’s nothing we can do but wait.”

Sirius looked like he was going to argue but didn’t 

McGonagall turned to the group “Leave! All of you, leave, you have jobs to do!” 

They all looked at each other but slowly filtered out, leaving just Lily and Sirius in the living room, Sirius pacing just outside the kitchen. There was another sound from the fireplace and Dumbledore stepped out. He turned to McGonagall

“How is the boy?”

“He’s-“

Sirius barreled across the room and without warning slammed Dumbledore against a wall.

“You did this! You did this to him, you told him to go and you knew this could happen!” Sirius yelled. Dumbledore was infuriatingly calm

“I understand you’re upset, but I did not force Remus to do anything. He chose to go.”

“Oh piss off!” Sirius roared “You knew he would never say no to you, you knew that you could ask him to jump off the astronomy tower and he’d do it just to make you happy! And you did it anyway.” 

Lily had grabbed his shoulder and forced him to let Dumbledore go. Sirius stalked away and continued his pacing

“Where has he been, Albus?” McGonagall asked

“With Greyback’s pack!” Sirius answered for him. McGonagall gaped At Dumbledore. She shut her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Lily held a hand in front of Sirius’ chest as he circled back around and faced Dumbledore

“If he dies-“ Sirius swallowed a lump in his throat “If he dies I am never going to forgive you. If he dies, I’m out.” 

Lily pulled him back and made him sit next to her. Dumbledore and McGonagall went into an office. Stared at his feet. He barely registered Lily running her hand over his back. 

They were waiting in the living room for a long time. Peter came in after a while and joined them, looking pale and staring straight ahead, his leg pumping up and down. McGonagall rejoined them too, Sirius wasn’t sure where Dumbledore had gone but he didn’t miss him. 

Sirius looked up after a moment “I have to tell his parents.” He said “They should be here.”

“No. No you stay here.” McGonagall said “When he wakes up you should be here.” 

Sirius was staring straight ahead “he’s going to want a cigarette.” He had a far away sound to his voice 

“We’ll get him some when he wakes up.”

James came out of the dining room. “He stable. He’s not out of the woods, but we’ve stopped the bleeding at least.” 

Sirius exhaled “can I see him?”

“Yeah.” He said “We’re not going to be able to move him for a while.”

Sirius walked past him and looked at Remus. He felt the wind being knocked out of his chest as he looked over Remus. His entire face was wrapped up, covering his eyes. His he had bandages covering his stomach and a wound on his neck and hands. He hadn’t seen him in months. His hair had grown back out again, longer than it was before although now there was dried blood caked in it. His beard had grown out too, unkept and scraggly. Sirius turned to Madame Pomfrey

“When is he going to wake up?” He asked

“It’s hard to say.” She said “He needs his rest.” 

“Can I stay?” He asked

“Of course.” She gave him a soft smile. The four of them had probably gotten to know Madame Pomfrey as well as they had over the years. She had a soft spot for Remus and for the friends who took care of him. Sirius sat down next to Remus and brushed his hands through his hair. He wished he could see his face under all the bandages, wished he could just speak to Remus. He took Remus’ hand in his and watched his shallow breathing.


	10. Chapter 10

There was a clamor in the living room and Sirius was brought out of his trance like state watching Remus.

“Ms. Lupin!” McGonagall said “Ms. Lupin, please-“

Hope came storming in the room and Madame Pomfrey our a hand out “Ma’am, he needs his rest you need to keep your voice down.”

“Like hell I will.” She said, pushing past her and setting sights on Remus and stopping “Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god.” 

Lyall came in after her and gasped. He turned to Sirius “What the hell was he doing?” 

“He- He was sent to Greyback’s pack.” 

“Greyback?” Hope said “What the hell was he doing with him?”

“He was a spy.” Sirius said

“How the hell did you let him do this?” Lyall said to Sirius 

“Lyall, don’t do this.” Hope said

“I told him not to go!” Sirius hissed “I told him it was stupid, that he’d get himself killed, but-“

“You should have stopped him! You should have told me! Told- told anybody! He never should have done this.”

Sirius stood up so he was face to face with Lyall “I’m not his keeper, Lyall, he wanted to go! What the hell was I supposed to do?”

“Excuse me!” Madame Pomfrey snapped “This is not the time nor place for Thai petty argument! Now either you shut up and let my patient get rest, or you get out of this room, am I making myself clear?”

“Yes ma’am.” Sirius and Lyall muttered 

Hope turned to Madame Pomfrey “Please, is he going to be okay?”

She sighed “He’s stable, but he lost a lot of blood. I’ve given him a potion to help restore some of it, it’ll take a while. As for his face... As you know we can’t do anything about the scars. I’m mostly concerned about his eyes. From what I can see, they’ve avoided any damage but we won’t know for sure until he wakes up. Everything else should heal up fine, the wound on his stomach was deep but far enough away from anything important that he was okay, and the one on his neck was superficial. All things considered, he’s doing fairly well.”

Hope nodded and bit her lip. “I gave him my blessing.” She mumbled, putting a hand on the side of his face. 

Lyall took her hand “You know he would have gone anyway.” He sighed and turned to Sirius “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have blamed you.”

“It’s... it’s okay. I understand.” He said 

Hope sink down into a chair next to Sirius and took one of his hands in her. They sat and kept vigil, joined by James and Lily. Lyall was a lot like Remus and couldn’t sit still in situations like this. He kept flitting in and out of the room, bringing people tea they didn’t drink and tidying things until McGonagall told him to stop.

The sun was going down. Lily was snoozing on James’ shoulder in the living room. Lyall was pacing around while Hope smoked a cigarette, her hands shaking.

Sirius stayed by Remus’ side, staring at his face and willing him to be okay and to wake up. After another hour of his, he was awake as suddenly as he had appeared. He bolted awake so fast that he startled Sirius.

“I can’t see, I can’t see!” He yelled “Where am I?

Sirius grabbed his arm “Remus! Love, its me, it’s Sirius you’re at headquarters, you’re okay.”

“Sirius?”

“Yes it’s me! Oh my god, you’re back, thank god you’re back.” 

“Why can’t I see?” He reaches his hands up to touch his face and Sirius pushed them down. 

“Something happened to your face and it had to be bandaged.”

“I-uh” He pressed his hand into his forehead, above the bandages “Greyback took me out on our own before the moon, he-he wanted me to help him attack this house in a village but I managed to stun him. I dragged him through the woods but I was running out of time so I just put up some protections so neither one of us could get in or out throughout the night. We must have- we must have fought. I don’t remember much after that I just knew I had to get out and so I went to the first place that I could think of.”

He felt disoriented and every part of his body hurt. He heard movement from the other room. “Who else is here?”

“Your parents and Lily and James.” Sirius said. He knew Peter had been here but didn’t remember when he had slipped out, but he must have had to work.

Lily rushed forward and hugged him “oh thank god, thank god.” 

Remus winced but hugged her back “I need to stop scaring you like this.” 

Hope had started bawling “Oh Remus.” She said

“Mum” Remus said “Don’t cry. I’m okay.”

Madame Pomfrey rushed back into the room “You need to lay back down!” She said

“Can we move him back home?” Sirius asked 

“No, not yet. We can move him into a bed, but that’s it.” She said “He’ll stay here until he’s well enough to move.” 

Lily and James were finally convinced to leave and get some rest. Hope and Lyall stayed to get Remus settled and promised to return the next day. By the time they were alone, Remus was drifting off, exhausted from even the short activity of getting cleaned up and putting on pajamas. Someone suggested to Sirius that he go home and Sirius simply glared at them and continued what he was doing. Sirius was adjusting the pillows on Remus’ bed for the fifth time

“Thank you for staying with me.” Remus said drowsily “You really didn’t have to.” 

“Of course I had to.” He said

Remus gave him a small smile, the only part of his face visible through the bandages. Sirius pulled up a chair next to him. “No, come here.” 

“Madame Pomfrey will kill me.” Sirius said

“You’re forgetting that I’m her favorite” Remus joked. He patted the bed next to him

Sirius hesitated

“Listen, I’ve been sleeping on the cold, hard, ground by myself for three months, all I want is a mattress and you next to me.” Remus said 

Sirius cracked a smile “You’re a manipulator.” He said. He pulled off his shirt and climbed into bed. Remus leaned in 

“I’m loopy.” Remus said

“Yeah well you have a ton of potions in you.” Sirius said. He gingerly put his arm around him. 

“I missed you.” Remus said quietly 

“God, Remus, I missed you so much.” Sirius said 

“I- I’m sorry.” He said 

“Why are you sorry?”

“I’m sorry for leaving.” Remus said “You were right.”

“I’m just glad you’re home.” Sirius said. He leaned over and kissed the top of his head as Remus drifted off. 

——————

Remus woke up with a start and looked around, unused to the dim light that was all that could make it through the bandages. He felt exposed and wounded without being able to see. He hoped Madame Pomfrey would take them off today, but she probably wouldn’t. Remus sighed and felt around on his night stand, where Sirius had left a glass of water and his cigarettes. He fumbled around until he found the rectangular pack and flipped it open, finding one and feeling for the filtered side to put between his lips. He managed to light it without burning his fingers or set anything on fire.

He heard a chuckle from beside him “I’m almost impressed.” Sirius said

“I thought you were asleep.” Remus said 

“No just watching you.” 

“Creepy.” 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I was mauled by a werewolf” Remus groaned “Moody and Dumbledore are going to talk to me today.”

Sirius sighed “I figured.” 

“Sirius, I have to tell you something important. Before I talk to them.”

“What?” Sirius asked

“I-I saw your brother.” 

“When?”

“When I was with the pack. He- he was with Dolohov.” Remus said

“The Death Eater.” 

Remus nodded “I think he’s joined up.”

Sirius looked away 

“Say something.” Remus said

“Fine. Okay, fine? He’s a Death Eater now. There’s nothing I can do to help him.”

“I don’t know that for sure.” Remus said “I mean he knew who I was, he could have said something. He didn’t, though.”

“That doesn’t change anything.” 

“I think he’s afraid.” Remus said “Fear makes people do weird things.” 

“I think he just doesn’t want to disappoint my parents and they wanted a son to help the cause.” Sirius said “They got what they wanted, Regulus gets to keep being the great hope of the Black family.” 

“I’m sorry.” Remus said 

“No, it’s fine. I’m glad you told me. It’s better than finding out in the middle of a battle.” Sirius sighed “He’s a coward.”

Remus had a full day, Mad Eye and Dumbledore came in to debrief his missions for several hours, Sirius seething in the background as they spoke. After the third hour, Madame Pomfrey came back and kicked them out, grudgingly allowing Sirius to stay at his side.

“He’s had enough of that, you can talk to him later.” She said, probably the only person in the world who could stare down Mad Eye like she did. 

“Right then, drink these.” She handed Remus some foul smelling potions

“Got anything with lime and gin?” Remus asked

“Funny boy.” She said. He made a face as he swallowed them one after another “I’m going to remove your bandages to take a look.”

“Oh. Already?” Remus asked 

“Yes, well, even though they’re werewolf wounds you should be healing up enough not to have them. I want to make sure your eyes are fine.”

“Er-Sirius? Do you think you could get me some tea?” He asked 

“Oh. Yeah, fine.” Sirius said. He gave Remus a look and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Madame Pomfrey carefully removed the bandages, Remus blinking in the bright light, her face coming into focus. She smiled at him “There he is.” 

She held her wand up and flicked it so a small light was held at the top. She moved it from side to side in front of his eyes

“Is everything okay?” He asked

“You look fine to me. The wounds will still need some time to heal but as long as you keep them clean you shouldn’t need them covered.” She said

Remus bit his lip “Do you.... do you have a mirror?” He asked.

She nodded and flicked her wand again, summoning a small compact from her bag and handed it to him. His breath was nearly taken out of him as he saw the deep, angry red wounds going diagonally across his face.

“It won’t look like that forever, dear.” Madame Pomfrey said 

“Yes but... They’ll be there forever.” Remus said 

“I’m afraid so. It’s really not that bad.”

Remus have her a half smile and handed back the mirror but did not believe her. 

“Right then, you let me know if you feel any pain above a reasonable amount, anything stabbing or shooting, contact me immediately. No going out on missions or shenanigans with those friends of yours, I mean it. You are on bed rest for at least a week, if not more. No strenuous physical activity.” She looked at him pointedly “I’ll be passing that one onto Black as well.” 

Remus turned red “Yes, ma’am.” 

She patted him on the lap “Take care of yourself.”

“I will.”

Sirius came back in just as she was leaving and she fixed him with a stare and pointed at him “NO strenuous physical activity.” 

Sirius looked wide eyed “Yes ma’am.” 

She nodded and closed the door behind her.

Remus turned his head away when Sirius came in

“Hey, you’re free! Let me look at you.” 

“Please don’t.” Remus said, putting his hands up

“Remus, come on.” Sirius said 

“I- I know you’re going to see me eventually but I’d really like to delay the inevitable.” Remus said. He knew it would be juvenile to put his head under the covers but he was considering it. 

“What are you trying to delay?”

“You seeing my mangled face and realizing I’m hideous?” Remus’ voice was small 

“Hey, do you really think I’m that shallow?” Sirius gave him a smile “What’s the matter, Ive seen your scars before.” 

“This is different!” Remus said “It’s my face, I’ve never had any big ones on my face before.”

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is.” 

“It is.” Remus said “It’s awful and you shouldn’t be seen with me.”

“Remus John Lupin, If you think a few scars are going to stop me from loving you, you’re not only wrong, you’re also an idiot. I think you look incredible, and I’m not just saying it to flatter you or make you feel better, I actually believe it.”

Remus sighed and hesitated for a moment before lowering his hand and turning back to face him “Still not to late to run out.”

Sirius smiles at him and leaned in to kiss him “Never going to happen.”


	11. Chapter 11

Remus and Lily had both been banished to bed rest for a week and had camped out on the couch at the Potter’s, both of them sitting with their feet up on the coffee table watching tv. James was in the kitchen, attempting to actually learn how to cook but spending most of his time coming back into the living room and fretting over Lily. 

“I’m pregnant, not an invalid, Potter!” She laughed as he came in for fourth time. 

“It’s kind of adorable.” Remus said 

“It is.” She laughed “I’m just ready to not be pregnant anymore. Alice had her baby this week I almost hate her a little bit for it.”

“Didn’t Molly have another baby recently, too?” Remus asked 

“Yes, in March.” Lily said “My sister too.”

“Oh no, that husband of hers reproduced?” Remus said, having vivid flashbacks of Vernon at Lily and James’ wedding rehearsal dinner

“Yes and the baby looks just like him.” 

“Oof, bad draw on the genetic lottery.”

“Well at least he’ll have lots of playmates.” Remus laughed 

“Listen, I wanted to mention something” she said

“Yeah?” Remus asked

“So you know that James asked Sirius to be the baby’s godfather, right?”

“Yeah, he’s really excited about it.” Remus smiled

“Well, I just wanted to say that I’m fully expecting you to be just as much a part of his life as Sirius is. I honestly feel a lot better about Sirius knowing that you’re going to be around to stop him from buying a baby seat for that motorcycle.” Lily said 

“That’s sweet, Lily. But unnecessary, you know I’m not offended by him picking Sirius over me.” 

“No, I know. I just want you to know that I love you. I mean, I never would have gone out with James if it wasn’t for you.”

“You’ve never told me that.” Remus smiled

“Well yeah. I mean I always thought he was a bit of an ass and had such a big head and I thought he wasn’t capable of taking care of anybody else-“

“I can hear literally every word you’re saying!” James called from the kitchen 

“But, then one night I couldn’t sleep and I went down to the common room, and there he was forging your handwriting on a potions essay that you hadn’t been able to finish because of the full moon. He’d been working on it all night, he didn’t sleep.” 

Remus smiled “I remember that.”

“Anyway, it made me realize that maybe he wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

“That should be my motto.” James said again 

“I just want you to know that you’re just as much this baby’s godfather as Sirius is as far as I’m concerned.” She smiled “Now if it would only get out.”

“Maybe a Monty Python’s Flying Circus marathon would help?” 

“Ooh yes please.” She said. 

James came out of the kitchen “right then, I’ve burned everything and I am now late for work. I called in an order for food and I’m off. Call me if anything happens or if you need anything at all.”

“Hmm, yes, I would like the remote please.” Lily said

“You mean the one right next to you?” James said 

“Yes, I’m just much too fragile to do it myself.”

“Oh? And Remus?”

“I’m wounded, I couldn’t possibly.” He grinned 

James sighed and dramatically handed the remote to Lily “For you, your highness.”

“Why thank you.” She grinned as James leaned down to kiss her 

“I love you.” He said. He leaned further and kissed her stomach “and you.”

“I don’t get a kiss?” Remus asked. James laughed and gave him a peck on the top of the head 

“Alright I’m off, stay on the couch!” James said, stepping into the flames of the fireplace and disappearing.

“He’s a good guy.” Remus said

“Yeah I’m going to keep him.” Lily said “I think he’s going to be a good dad.”

“Oh, god yeah. He was made to be a dad.”

“He’s got the jokes for it.” Lily nodded “Have you ever thought about it?”

“What, James as a dad? All the time.” Remus said

“No, stupid. You as a dad. Having kids one day.”

Remus shook his head “Nope. Never going to happen.” He said

“What? I think you’d be great at it.”

“I think the line of emotionally stunted Lupin men as fathers should probably end with me.” He said “Besides, there’s too many other things to think about.”

“Like what?” Lily asked 

“Lily, come on.”

“No, I’m serious! I want to know what quality of yours means that you can’t be a father.”

“Hello, my name is Remus Lupin and once a month I turn into a raging nightmare beast intent on eating everything in my path.” He held out a hand 

“I’ve told you this before, but I’m going to say it again, the thing that happens to you one day a month does not need to dictate every other day of your life.” She said

“Tell that to the ministry of magic.” Remus said “Look, I appreciate it, it’s just never going to happen to me. A kid deserves... I don’t know, something more than this.” 

“I think it’s a shame. I think that any kid in this world would be lucky to have you.” She said “And this self-loathing ‘I’m not good enough, or attractive enough, or whole enough’ for anybody routine is very old.” 

“Lily, be serious. What kind of life would my kid have? It couldn’t really fit in in the muggle world because they’re not to keen on allowing us queers to exist, let alone be parents, and it couldn’t really fit into the Wizarding world because of who I am.” Remus said “I’m not going to subject a child to that.”

Lily frowned “I think you’re afraid.” 

“Lily, please can we drop this?”

“No! I think you’re afraid of opening yourself up to that kind of vulnerability, the kind that lets you get closer with people.”

"I’ve been living with the same man since we left school.” He pointed out

“Yes but you don’t tell him anything, you always avoid your feelings.” 

“Do we have to go through all of my flaws right now?” Remus asked “Is this really what we’re doing?”

“Fine, I’ll drop it, I just think-“ she stopped suddenly and got a wide eyed look

“Lily?”

She clutched his hand hard “I think my water just broke.”

“Wait, what?” Remus asked, feeling a wave of panic rush over him

“Remus, the baby is coming I need you to go get James.” 

“Oh god! Oh god, I can’t leave you!”

“I’m the one going into labour, you need to calm down! Just go floo him! Now!”

Remus jumped up, feeling like he wanted to vomit as he ran over to the fireplace and yelled out “St Mungoes Hospital!” His voice cracking slightly. He stepped in and ran up to the woman at the counter “I need you to get James Potter immediately.”

“What’s your emergency, sir?” She said, her voice bored 

“His wife is in labor, he needs to get home immediately.”

She didn’t even perk up but lifted her wand to her throat and as if it was a loudspeaker, her voice crackled through the hospital “James Potter to the waiting room.”

A moment later there was a crack and James showed up. He looked around and saw Remus “Hey! Is everything okay? Where’s lily? You’re supposed to be in bed.”

“Lily is in labor.” Remus said

James gaped at him “What?”

“Lily is in labor! Right now!” He repeated

“Oh my god! Oh my-“ he grabbed Remus by the shoulder “I’m going to be a dad!”

“You’re going to be a dad!” Remus said back. James pulled him into a hug and kissed the top of his head in excitement

———

Remus popped off and got Sirius and Peter and the three of them stayed in the waiting room of the muggle hospital, waiting for news. Remus felt happier than he had in a long time, telling stories with the others about James.

“Can you believe he reproduced?” Sirius laughed 

“And that he did it first.” Peter said

“Who did you think it would be?” Remus asked him

“Well, before 6th year I would have guessed Sirius. By mistake, of course.”

“Hey!” Sirius said “I’m always careful.”

“Do you guys want kids?” Peter asked

“No.” Remus said. At the same time, Sirius replied “Yeah, one day.” 

They looked at each other and Peter winced “Sorry.”

“We’ve never discussed it” Remus said, covering up the uncomfortable moment

“Yeah, yeah. Besides, we’re young.” Sirius said “It’s not something we have to deal with yet.”

“No, not at all.” Remus shifted 

Peter skated over the moment by talking about something with his job, but Sirius’ body language changed and Remus could tell he was sulking a little in his chair. Remus sighed, knowing that a conversation about this was inevitable. He felt exhausted in preparation for it. He hated having discussions on their future.

It was several more hours before James came in from behind the swinging doors, his hair wild and a massive grin on his face. They all stood up.

“I’m a dad!” He said. Sirius grinned and hugged him, slapping his back

“Mazel tov, James!” Remus said 

“What’d you name him?” Peter asked

“Harry. Harry James Potter. He’s 3.1 kilograms, oh my god, I-“ He grinned “I cant believe this.”

“How’s Lily doing?” 

“She did wonderfully, she’s in the room now.” James wiped a tear from his eye “Do you want to meet him?”

Sirius grinned “Yes. Please.”

The muggle doctors seemed a bit confused by the rather unconventional group coming through, Sirius was wearing a big motorcycle jacket and calf length boots, and Remus still looked a little rough for wear and had bandages on his neck and hand, and Peter, who was still wearing his robes from work.

They entered the room and lily gave them a drowsy smile “Hey boys.” She said. She turned to the tiny bundle in her arms and shifted so he was facing outwards “Meet Harry.”

Sirius looked about ready to melt “How is he that tiny?” was all he managed 

Remus’ heart jumped a little looking at him. He looked just like James, a wild mop of black hair and skin a medium brown just like him. His eyes opened and his face scrunched up in a yawn, and his eyes were Lily’s stunning green.

“He’s- He’s beautiful.”

James was tearing up again 

“Oh come on, you big softy.” Lily teased him

He frowned and kissed the top of Lily’s head

“Can I hold him?” Sirius asked

“If you drop him I’m never forgiving you.” James warned as he leaned over to take the baby from Lily. He almost looked smaller in Sirius’ arms. He turned to Remus and grinned at him. Remus couldn’t take his eyes off of Harry, feeling so much fear and anxiety and joy all at once. If this was how he was feeling, he couldn’t imagine what James and Lily must be going through.

“Remus, do you want to hold him?” James asked

“Oh- er-“ He was saved from gently refusing as Harry hiccuped and burst into tears. Lily tutted and took him back “I’ll hold him later.” 

“You alright, Peter? You look like you’re going to be sick.” James said

“No, no, I- er- hospitals make me nervous is all.” Peter said, shifting uncomfortably “I should go.” 

“Us, too.” Sirius said, nodding to Remus “Let you kids get yourself put together.”

James hugged them all before they left, tearing up again as he did. “I love you all.” 

“Ah James, day one on the job and you’re already being an embarrassing dad.” Sirius said. He hugged Sirius again “Dad would be proud of you.”


	12. Chapter 12

Remus and Sirius lay in bed, all the windows in their bedroom swung open in an effort to stave off the summer heat. Both were wearing minimal clothes, but still lay on top of one another, ignoring how their skin stuck together with sweat uncomfortably. Sirius played with Remus’ curls mindlessly and stared forward, nibbling at his lip as he thought.

“What are you thinking about?” Remus asked drowsily 

“What?” Sirius was brought back to the real world “Oh, nothing.”

Remus put his hand on Sirius’ chest and nudged him “Come on, I know you better than that.”

“When Peter asked us if we wanted kids, and you said no... Did you mean ever, or..?”

“Oh. Well, yes.” Remus sighed 

“You wouldn’t even consider it?” Sirius said 

“I just... I don’t think so, Sirius.” Remus said. He sat up and looked at him “Is that... Is that a problem?”

“No, I... I don’t want to... I don’t know force you to do anything you don’t want to do, but why? I saw the way you looked at Harry today.” 

“Sirius... God, do you really want to bring another human being into this mess?” Remus asked “I mean everything we see every day, everywhere. The whole world is going to shit, is it really fair to drop someone else in here?” 

“You think that Lily and James are stupid for having Harry, then?”

“No, of course I don’t.” Remus sighed “But it’s different. They didn’t exactly plan to do this.” 

“But when this is over, what do you picture us doing?” Sirius asked

“Can we not talk about this right now?” Remus groaned, he stood up and started rummaging in the bedside table for an extra pack of cigarettes 

“No, stop doing that!” Sirius let out a groan of frustration “Stop turning your back on every adult conversation I try to have.”

“Am I all out? I could have sworn I had a pack left.” Remus muttered 

“You’re acting like a child, Lupin.” 

“Well good, then you won’t feel like you’re missing out.” Remus said petulantly. He found his extra pack and put one in his mouth and lit up in one motion. Sirius glared at him from across the room. “And can you quit calling me ‘Lupin’ every time you’re angry at me.” 

“I swear to God, talking to you is like talking to a fucking brick wall.” Sirius said 

“What do you want me to say, Sirius? I already had this conversation with Lily, I’m tired and I’m in pain, can we just talk about it later.” 

“Oh and when would be good for you?” Sirius said “What about after the next time you nearly get yourself killed, how would that be? Or maybe we’ll just never talk about it, because you’ve apparently never given our future a second thought.” 

“We’re twenty-one years old!” Remus said 

“Lily and James are twenty one. So are Frank and Alice and my bloody cousin. It’s not that unheard of for twenty-one year olds to have children or at least talk about it.” 

“We’re not bloody breeders, either, Sirius.” Remus said “Last I checked they don’t let queers have kids.”

“It’s 1981, things are changing.”

“Not that fast.” 

“You don’t even want to try?”

“Well you can keep fucking me as much as you like but unless I grow a different reproductive system, it’s not likely to just happen.” 

“We could adopt!” Sirius said, growing more frustrated

“The ministry wouldn’t give us a kid with me being what I am and the muggles would laugh us out of the building.” Remus said 

“There are other options!”

“I’m not going to sit here and indulge pointless fantasies. Why is it so important that we have children?”

“I don’t know! Okay, I just would like the option! I think it would be nice if we could have a family, if- I don’t know if we had a different sort of family than the one I grew up with.”

Remus looked away “I want you to have that, Sirius. I want you to have the family you never did but why can’t this just be enough? I can’t- I can’t expose somebody else to me, I can’t let a child suffer because their father is a monster.” 

“Why can’t you just cool it with the self-deprecation? Merlin, I feel like no matter how much I try and love you and tell you that you’re not a monster, it’s never going to be enough for you. It’s like you have one foot out the door and if you keep repeating that people are going to leave you because you’re a bloody werewolf, then when they leave you you can use that as an excuse instead of the fact that you drive everyone you love away!” Sirius snatched a pair of his jeans from the floor and pulled them on before stalking out of the bedroom.

Remus followed him “Really? You’re just going to walk out? I thought you wanted to talk, yeah? That’s your problem, Sirius, you’re so self-absorbed that as soon as anybody else wants a life outside of you, you get bored with them.”

“That’s not true!” Sirius swiveled around 

“It’s completely true! You’ve never forgiven James for leaving you, you wanted it to be him and you forever but he got married. And now you just want me to sit around and revolve my life around you!”

“I want you to make a life with you!” Sirius boomed “I’m not interested in us living our entire lives in separate rooms, living our own separate lives in the same house! That may have worked for your mum and dad, but doesn’t work for me.”

“Oh and I suppose this is better?” Remus said, following him around the living room as he gathered his shirt and wallet and slid his shoes on 

“Yeah, it is, actually. At least you’re talking. You can’t just live your entire life alone, sooner or later you’re going to need somebody else.” 

“As long as it’s you! As long as I’m home when you get back from work to cook you dinner and raise your kids.” Remus snapped

“I’m going out, don’t fucking wait up.” Sirius yelled

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

The flat shuddered as Sirius slammed the door behind him. Remus could head his feet thumping down the rickety stairs as Remus slumped to the couch, fuming. It seemed like they fought more than they spoke these days, and he didn’t know why. They weren’t on the same wavelength as they used to be and Remus didn’t know how to tune back in.

Shaking, he lit another cigarette off the one he had finished and stared at the wall, bitter. 

——————————

Sirius stalked through the streets of London, passing through groups of drunk students and tweakers and found his way to a dive pub they all used to go to when they first left Hogwarts. He slid into a chair at the bar and ordered a whiskey on the rocks. The heavily tattooed bartender gave it to him, the glass sticky and obviously not cleaned recently, but he drank it anyway. He gestured to the bartender to bring another when he looked to the side and saw Peter sitting at the other end of the bar. Sirius could have sworn he had work tonight. Sirius grabbed his replaced drink and slunk over to him 

“Gee, you look just like a bloke I went to school with.” 

Peter jumped and nearly fell out of his seat “Sirius! You scared me half to death.”

“Thought you had work.” He said, slumping down on the chair next to him 

“Got off an hour ago.” Peter said

“Right.” Sirius said

“I thought you would be with Remus. Since he got back so recently” 

“We got in a nasty row.” Sirius grumbled

“Been doing a lot of that recently.” Peter said

“How’d you know that?” Sirius asked

“He told me. Last time we talked.”

Sirius huffed “Of course, he’ll speak to everyone but me.”

“You two never fight. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know.” Sirius admitted “It’s like- he’s afraid to talk about us having a life together, you know? He’s just biding his time like it’s a prison sentence.”

“Why d’you reckon?” Peter asked, taking a sip of his pint

“I mean it’s all about this bloody werewolf nonsense.” Sirius complained “I think his hatred for himself will always come before anything else.” 

“Are you sure that’s all it is?” Peter asked “I mean if he’s holding out on you, or biding his time, why is he doing it?”

“Peter, not this again.”

“I’m being serious. Look, you know I love Remus but he’s been weird since we left school. I’m not the only one who sees it.” Peter said “Didn’t he give you a message from your brother?”

“What about it?”

“I just think it’s a little odd that he’s the only one who got close enough to a Death Eater to get a message from him.” Peter glanced around nervously “It’s strange, right?” 

“I mean-“ Sirius stopped and shook his head. “You’re being paranoid, Peter. This is Remus we’re talking about. Remus. The guy who spent three weeks in detention alone because for something he didn’t do so we wouldn’t get in trouble.” 

“You said it yourself, something is different.” Peter said “I’m not saying he’s a Death Eater, I’m just saying that things have changed.” 

“I think you need to get your head checked.” Sirius finished his drink and ordered another “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Fine.” Peter said "What’s your week like?”

“Order stuff, mostly.” Sirius said

“Anything good?” He asked

Sirius shrugged “Just checking our some spots we think the Death Eaters are recruiting. You?”

“Work. And more work.” Peter groaned

“Right.” Sirius frank his last drink in one gulp “Care for another, Wormtail?”

———————  
Sirius didn’t get back until three, staying out long after Peter had gone to bed. He stumbled in, the key scraping against the keyhole several times before granting entrance to the apartment. The lights were on, and Remus had fallen asleep on the couch with a book in his lap. Sirius wanted to wake up him, make him go to sleep in their bed. He would get a crick in his neck if he stayed like that. But he didn’t move to wake him. Instead he stared at him, looked at the deep smudges under his eyes that could almost be bruises with how dark they were. His face looked puffy as if he had been crying tonight. He frowned, feeling guilty that he hadn’t come back and tried to talk to him like an adult. He’d gone out to drink while Remus stayed here, and he was the one who had accused his boyfriend of being immature.

He went into the kitchen and knowing it wasn’t a great idea, he got another swing of liquor and poured it into a teacup. He watched the heavy rise and fall of the book on Remus’ chest and mulled over what Peter had said. As much as he wanted to believe that it was nonsense, that there was no way that Remus was having thoughts of betraying them, he couldn’t ignore the small flare of doubt, that tiny heat in his brain like Peter had lit a match. He sighed and drank the rest of his cup.

“Remus.” Sirius muttered. Remus stirred awake, looking confused

“Sirius? What time is it?” He mumbled

“Late.” He said “Get up, you’ll hurt your back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey I’m back! 
> 
> Who has eight limbs and is terrible at accurately expressing their feelings in a healthy and mature way? These boys!
> 
> I have never bought that Peter was a bumbling idiot, he knew what he was doing and he was good at it.


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, Remus woke up to an empty bed and rain beating on the windows. Sirius must have closed them at some time in the night. Somehow, even this annoyed Remus as he felt the hot air on his face.

He sat up, groaning as his body ached into motion. He limped into the living room. Sirius was standing at the counter, doing the crossword in the Daily Prophet. Remus brushes past him to make a pot of coffee.

“I have to work until late.” Sirius said

“Fine.” Remus said, dumping more coffee grounds into the filter than any sane person needed “I’m going to go look for a new job.”

“You don’t have to.” Sirius said

“Don’t.” Remus said “I’m really not in the mood to fight with you again and this one of questioning will inevitably lead to another one.”

“Fine.” Sirius sighed, rubbing his temples “I’ll see you later.” 

“Bye.” Remus said

Sirius sighed “I love you.”

Remus wouldn’t look at him, but mumbled “I love you, too.”

Sirius lingered for a moment and Remus wanted to burst out and say he was sorry, tell him that he wanted to be better for him. But he couldn’t find the words, and Sirius was gone. 

He shook the thoughts of their fight out of his head and got dressed in his least tattered clothes. He was planning on walking around muggle London until he found a job. He was at his last rope. He had applied for a dozen jobs in the ministry and in Diagon Alley and had come up with nothing. 

He filled out a few applications at shops and bars when he came across the bookstore. It was one of those ones that was stacked floor to ceiling with teetering stacks of books, new and used, that somehow never fell down even when someone knocked into them. He went up to the counter, which was empty, and rang the little bell that was placed out.

“Hang on!” Came a voice from the back “Coming, sorry.” 

Remus was taken aback when he saw the man. He was tall, mid-twenties, with coiled hair to his shoulders and dark skin that was unblemished and beautiful. Remus couldn’t help but think of how attractive he was.

“Can I help you?” He said with a kind smile

“Yes- er- I was wondering if you were hiring?” Remus asked

The man blinked in surprise “We are, actually! The owner has been looking for someone for weeks.” He said “I told her if we put a sign up more people would come, but she wouldn’t have it.” 

“Oh brilliant. Do you have an application? I can fill it out right now.” Remus said

“Actually, no. She just wants to interview people individually. It’s a little odd, honestly. Do you have a minute? I can go get her.”

“Yeah, I do!” Remus said, his voice squeaking a little. He turned bright red. What was he doing? He loved Sirius, he wasn’t going to crush on some boy he just found in a bookshop. He smiled and went into the back again. There must be stairs back there, because there was some thumping before he came back down with an older woman behind him. She was short and precariously thin but moved with the air of a much younger woman. Her hair was long and grey, not dyed like many women did at her age. She wore men’s jeans and a white button up shirt that hung loosely over her frame.

She eyed Remus “Who are you?” She said. She spoke in an American accent.

“Remus. Remus Lupin.” He said

She laughed “Is that really your actual, god-given name?”

“I can show you my ID if you want.” Remus said. His name never turned too many heads in the Wizarding world, but muggles were always bewildered by it.

“No, no, I believe you. Your parents mythology fans? Romulus and Remus?” 

“My dad is, yeah.” Remus said 

“Not a bad thing to name your kid after.” She said

“Well no, but I do believe Remus was the brother who was murdered.” He said 

“Where’d you get those scratches?” She asked bluntly

“Bike accident.” He said quickly 

The boy winced “Ouch. I’ve been there, mate.” 

“I’m too clumsy for my own good.” Remus shrugged 

“What’s your favorite book?” She asked

“Oh- er...” he mulled this over “Thats a big question. I’m in a Kurt Vonnegut phase right now, so probably Slaughterhouse Five at this particular moment, but it changes.”

She nodded “Fair enough.” 

“Should we start the interview, then?” Remus asked

“Oh honey, this is the interview.” She said “I’ve heard enough. I like you, when can you start?” 

Remus blinked in surprise “Oh. Wow, thank you so much! I appreciate you giving me this-“

“Eh, can it. Just work hard and don’t burn the shop down. Eli can tell you all the ins and outs. I’m Pat. Only Pat, don’t call me Patricia.” She said. She pulled a silver cigarette case out of his pocket and lit one. “If you smoke, don’t set the books on fire.” 

“Right.” Remus said “I can start tomorrow if that’s okay.” 

“Fine by me.” She said. She patted Eli on the shoulder “Make sure he doesn’t steal anything.”

With that she sauntered back up the stairs.

“I’m Eli, as you probably guessed.” He held out a hand and Remus shook it, feeling a fluttering in his chest that he squashed down 

“How many people work here?” Remus asked

“It’s only us and Pat. Occasionally her roommate, Minnie, comes and helps out, but only when we’re really busy. Which is basically never.” 

Eli showed him around and gave Remus a set of keys “See you tomorrow, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow.” Remus said

“It was great to meet you!” He grinned 

As Remus walked out, he couldn’t help but feel horrified with himself. What was he thinking? He has one awful fight with Sirius and suddenly he finds himself attracted to another boy? He was a terrible person. But he had a job, at least. No matter that it had no strategic value whatsoever to the Order, at least he had something to do with himself.

He resigned to do something nice for Sirius when he got home as a peace offering. They would celebrate his new job and forget all the unpleasantness from  
The night before. He went to the store and got the ingredients for a French dish that Sirius’s grandmother used to make “the one good thing she ever did” he would always say. 

——————  
Sirius got home after an awful day to the an amazing smell drifting out of the apartment. He could hear Remus humming to himself. Walking in, he saw Remus standing over a large pot on the stove.

“Hey.” Sirius said tentatively. Remus turned around and smiled, a nervous look on his face

“Hi, how- how was your day?” He asked

“It’s was... Actually pretty terrible. Is that-?”

“Coq Au Vin.” Remus said “Or at least I hope it is.” 

“It smells amazing.”

“I didn’t know your grandmothers recipe, so I made Julia Childe’s. I hope that’s okay?” Remus shifted

“Remus, that’s amazing.” Sirius said. They were still a massive distance apart. “How was the job search?” 

“I found one, actually. At a bookshop a few blocks away.” Remus said “I start tomorrow.”

“That’s great, I’m really happy for you.” 

Remus nodded and bit his lip, looking at his feet “I’m sorry. For everything yesterday.” He said

“No, I’m sorry.” Sirius said “I was... I was cruel.”

“I was stupid.” Remus said “I love you, I want to be better and be able to have these conversations with you. I just- I just panic sometimes.” 

“I know.”

“I overthink everything. I don’t know. I think I was alone for so long that I just never prepared myself for the possibility of even having friends. Let alone an amazing boyfriend or a family.” Remus said

“We don’t have to talk about it all right now.” Sirius said “I jumped the gun and I forget that not everybody needs an answer to everything right away.”

Remus laughed “What a healthy couple we are.” 

Sirius laughed too and walked into the kitchen “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” They kissed, and Sirius thought that nagging feeling of doubt would be gone, but as he pulled away and looked at Remus, it stayed right where it was. He pushed the thought aside 

“Should I open this wine?” Sirius said, grabbing the bottle 

“Well we cant very well have Coq au Vin without the Vin part.” Remus said 

Sirius tapped his wand at the cork, which came out with enough force to fly across the room “one day I’ll get that spell right.” 

“Better than the first time you tried it and gave Peter a black eye.” Remus said “And managed to break the bottle in the process.”

“To be fair that was more entertaining than the bottle of wine we got for two pounds would have been.” Sirius laughed 

As they ate, Remus kept glancing over at Sirius and watching him. He still felt guilty for his thoughts about Eli when they met. It was just a fluke, a brief flutter of emotions. 

“What are you looking at?” Sirius chuckled

“Just- I love you.” Remus said “I need you to know that I love you so much, more than I ever thought I would be able to love someone.” 

Sirius blinked, shocked at the urgency in his voice “Remus... is everything okay?” He asked

“Of course. I just- I hate fighting with you. And I just want you to know that I love you no matter what happens.” 

Sirius stares at him for a long moment “I love you, too. God, Remus, you have no idea how much. I just need you to talk to me, you know? I’m not going to run away if you’re honest about your feelings.”

“I-I can try.” Remus said. 

They ate for a while in silence, both awkward but appreciative of the other’s presence. Sirius cleared his throat “So, er- tell me about this new job?”

“Oh. Well, it’s just a muggle bookshop.” Remus said “There’s like one other employee and the owner, this crotchety American woman.”

“You’re going to be amazing at it.” Sirius said

Remus shrugged “I suppose.” Sirius cocked his head to the side and he sighed “I’m... Disappointed in myself.”

“What do you mean?” Sirius asked

“I just- I think I had potential, you know? I never pictured myself as Minister of Magic or getting an Order of Merlin, but I pictured more than being a shop keeper for my life.”

“You will, I know you will.” Sirius said “You’re still young, you can do whatever you want.”

“I’m just having a lot of trouble believing that.” Remus admitted “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to complain.”

“You’re allowed to complain, Remus.” Sirius said “It’s fucked up. Look on the bright side, you’ll be around books literally all day long.”

“Yes and I might end up losing money that way.” 

“We’ll need more shelves.”

“Possibly a bigger flat.” 

“Or else we’ll become buried.”

“But what a way to go.” Remus laughed “Thank you.”

“For what?” Sirius asked

“For putting up with me.”


	14. Chapter 14

Remus went straight from work to the order meeting, his eyes dropping with exhaustion as he ran into the new safe house. It seemed like a slimmer group than usual, with both the Potters, the Weasleys and the Longbottoms all home with their new babies and several people on missions or at work. His eyes scanned the small crowd until he found Sirius, seemingly in a whispered conversation with Benjy Fenwick. He wove through the crowd until he ended up at Sirius’ side. He reached over to touch Remus’ back instinctively. Benjy nodded at Remus

“How many of them?” Sirius whispered 

“Almost all of them.” Benjy shook his head “And they were in hiding, too.”

“What’s happened?” Remus asked

“It’s the Bones family.” Benjy said. Remus’ heart sank

“Fuck.” He said

“All but four of them.” Sirius said 

“They just had a baby, was she okay?”

“Thankfully.” Benjy said. He leaned in “Between you and me, there’s been talk of a spy.”

“A spy?” Sirius asked “On our side?”

Benjy nodded “Who else would have known where they were?”

Sirius bit his lip and glanced at Remus, making eye contact for a moment before breaking it off and looking away. 

Throughout the meeting, Sirius could only focus on what Benjy had said about the spy. He glanced around the room. Scanning every face and wondering who it could be and trying to ignore Peter’s voice in his head as he looked at Remus. He couldn’t. Remus was... Well he was Remus. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. He didn’t have a mark, he wasn’t a Death Eater. It was impossible. Then he remembered Remus, debriefing his entire encounter with the pack “they won’t let Greyback take the mark and actually become a Death Eater. He’s one in everything but name, but they won’t let someone impure get the mark.” 

Remus put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and he was brought out of his thoughts. He realized everyone was standing up to start filing out of the meeting. Sirius shook his head

“Sorry.” Sirius said

“You alright?”

“Yes, just tired.” He said. He gave Remus a weak smile “Home?”

“Please.” Remus said

They got back to the flat and Sirius hung up his coat and watched Remus as he toed out of his shoes and undid his button up shirt. Nothing had changed. He was still Remus. So why couldn’t he get this doubt out of his head?

Remus turned to look at him as if he could feel Sirius’ eyes on him.

“What are you staring at?” He asked

“Nothing.” Sirius said. Remus walked into the kitchen and watched him 

“You’ve been quiet. Is it the meeting?” 

“I don’t want to talk about the meeting.” Sirius said. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a half empty bottle of wine from the counter and frowned at a dusty tea cup before pouring himself a glass “want some?”

“Er-sure.” Remus said. Sirius pulled out another and filled it up. Remus lit a cigarette and sat across the counter as Sirius leaned over it and didn’t look at him. Remus took a sip, the wine was close to being vinegar but would still likely be enough for Sirius, who’s alcohol consumption had slowly crept from an occasional beer to frequently having straight whiskey every night, or whatever was on hand at any given time. Remus was of the opinion that those who lived in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, and as he inhaled more nicotine into his already strained lungs he had decided he wouldn’t say anything about it. They all had their vices

“Are we-are we okay?” Remus asked “after the fight. I know it was bad.”

“No. No it’s fine.” Sirius said. He smiled a little “I’m just tired. You’re paranoid.”

“Why don’t you go to bed?” Remus suggested

“Well, I’ll go to bed, but I’m not planning on getting any sleep.” Sirius said

“Oh?” Remus said, leaning over 

“Particularly if there’s someone tall and willing in there with me.”

“Mr. Black, are you calling me a slut?”

Sirius cocked an eyebrow and leaned over and laced his hands into Remus’ hair and pulled “I don’t know. If the shoe fits.” 

Remus looked down at him expectantly, licking his lips

Sirius leaned in and kissed him with unexpected roughness Remus came around the counter and wincing at the slight pain of Sirius tugging at his hair. He was already pulling up Remus’ shirt when there was an incessant tapping on the window. Angrily, Sirius swiveled around and looked outside into the dark, his hand not losing contact with Remus’s scalp. 

There was a great grey owl tapping at the window panes.

“Who the hell is sending us mail right now?” Sirius growled. He let go and stomped to the window and unhooked a letter from the owl’s talons before it swooped away. Remus flattened out his hair and tried to compose himself, taking a seat on a stool. Sirius ripped open the letter and scanned over it. 

Sirius blinked, his face betraying nothing as he turned it over and then over again.

“Sirius?” Remus said. He didn’t respond. It was if he didn’t hear him “Sirius who is it from?”

“It’s from Regulus.” Sirius said “My father died.” 

Remus gaped at him “Oh my god, Sirius... I’m so sorry.”

Sirius didn’t look upset, his face was as cold and still as if it were carved from marble. He grabbed his tea cup and drank the rest of his wine and walked back over to Remus. 

“What can I do?” Remus asked

“This.” Sirius said. He kissed him again, gentler this time. He tasted like red wine. “Just this.”

——————

To say that Sirius and his father were not close is to state the obvious. Nobody runs away at 16 when they’re close to anybody in the house. Sirius’ father was more concerned with business at the bank than anything to do with his children. Growing up, Orion Black was a cold figure who would emerge from his office or from work for dinner before going back in with a stiff drink when he was done. Sirius would be sent to him when he misbehaved badly enough for it to start to leech into his father’s reputation. He would stand before his great oak desk, with its ornate carvings of grotesque creatures and hang his head as his father told him what a disappointment he was. He would never yell, but he would simply look over Sirius with the same cold, grey eyes that he had.

Sirius knew how to deal with his mother’s anger, knew how to deal with her burning temper. His mother was the one who hit, who screamed, who would sheer off all his hair in fits of rage and Sirius knew how to encourage it, knew how to fuel his mother’s fire. No matter if he was the one who was punished for it, he knew how to control her anger, he could find exactly the right buttons to push to make her fly off the handle.

Orion was different. His disdain for Sirius was such that he viewed his eldest child little more than one would look at a slug one saw on the sidewalk. Disgusting, yet not worth going out of your way to crush beneath the sole of your shoe.

The night Sirius had left Grimmauld Place, his mother and him had been screaming at eachother. She threw a tea cup at his face and it cut a mark into his nose. Sirius had run to his room and stuffed whatever things he could carry into a small backpack. While he was walking out of his room, bag slung over his shoulder, he ran into his father. Sirius didn’t know when he became nearly as tall as Orion, but it took them both surprise that Sirius was no longer looking up at him. It was the first time they had seen each other face to face in a long time.

“Right then. I’m leaving.” Sirius said. He wished he could make him say something, make him yell or throw a curse or a punch.

But Orion simply looked over him and took a sip of his drink from a short tumbler “Are you now?”

“I’m not living in this fucking house anymore. I’m going to live with the Potters.”

Orion nodded “It’s for the best.”

“Why don’t you care?” Sirius yelled, tears stinging his eyes “Why have you never cared about me?”

“The hysterics will not do you any good.” He sighed “We both know his was inevitable, Sirius. You’ve never been the son we hoped you’d be. You’re not suited to live up to the family name.”

“No. No, maybe I’m not.” Sirius said “But I’m going to be happy.”

There was a crash and some screaming from the other room. Orion glanced in the direction and swirled his drink in his glass, the ice clinked together softly “You have brought us nothing but unhappiness, I expect you’ll continue to do the same to others.”

As Sirius sat in his apartment, a glass in his hand and rereading the words nearly copied out by his brother 

“Sirius,

Father died this evening. The healers say is was his heart. The funeral will be next week, I don’t know if you want to come but I will send another owl with the information.

My condolences,  
Regulus”

He imagined his family together, standing over his father’s death bed. Sirius could picture himself there, looking at a once great and tall man who would strike fear into his heart struck down into nothing more than a dying man on a bed. Did he say anything to Regulus? Did he finally grant those words of approval his younger brother so desperately craved? Did he speak about Sirius? Did he maybe wonder where his eldest child was or long to see him? Did he and his mother exchange any out of character words of affection or love?

Probably not. Sirius thought, as he swirled his drink in his glass, the clink of the ice making the same noise as his father’s glass years ago. He wasn’t sad. But he wasn’t happy, either. Sirius was struck by how completely empty he felt. When Mr. Potter has died, Sirius was scared because he didn’t cry when he heard the news. He was stoic. James cried, and Lily cried, even Remus shed tears for him, but Sirius had not. He felt so guilty, so angry at himself. Was he so broken that he couldn’t even cry for the man who had been like a real father to him? The man had told him how proud he was of Sirius and who had told him and James off for causing problems at school and Sirius couldn’t even spare a tear for him. But at the funeral, Sirius took one look at his body in the casket and couldn’t stop. He wept for hours until he was dehydrated and his face was splotchy and red. Sirius wondered if he would ever shed a tear for his father. 

He knew he was making Remus nervous when he just stared at the wall and drank, his face neutral and betraying nothing. Sirius was a blank canvas, his face betrayed nothing that he didn’t want it to. He was an excellent liar, he always had to be. Remus was not, his expressions and his demeanor betrayed his mood. Remus could hide a lot of things, but he could never hide his nerves. He was shifting around in the kitchen, nervously puffing on a cigarette and glancing over at Sirius every few seconds.

“I’m fine, Remus.” Sirius said finally “Just go to work.”

“I can stay if you like.” Remus said

“Please go, I’m going to be okay. I hated the guy.”

“I know, just... Be careful, okay?”

“I’m not going to drink myself to death while you’re at work, don’t worry about me.” 

“Are you going to write to Regulus?” Remus asked 

“Why would I do that?” Sirius frowned 

“I mean... Despite everything, you’re still brothers and I know you care about him.”

“He’s a Death Eater now, Remus. He made his choice, I’m not going to forget it just because our father died. A man who, I  
might add, thought that Voldemort had the right ideas. I don’t care that he’s dead. I don’t care if any of them die.” There was a darkness in his voice

“I know. I just think that maybe you would benefit from talking to him is all.” Remus sighed “I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“I’m fine.” Sirius insisted

“I know, just... Just call me if you need me.” 

Sirius saluted him with his glass and wen right back to drinking as Remus closed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and liking and writing coments! It’s really keeping me motivated to write more and I so appreciate it!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains depictions of child abuse

Though Sirius insisted that he was fine, he stayed home the rest of the week. Remus didn’t know the words to get through to him, so he just let him wallow while he went to work. 

Every morning, Remus walked the same route 12 blocks to where the book shop was. Theoretically he could take the train and cut down on time, but he liked to walk through the city early in the morning, breathing the cool air cleared his head. 

Remus was the first to arrive today. He unlocked the door and put our their sign before going into the back and putting the kettle on. Remus pulled out a paperback and sat behind the register and read. At least he could catch up on reading if he couldn’t do anything else useful. After a moment Eli came through the door, out of breath.

“What time is it?” He asked

“7:59.” Remus said 

“Just in the nick of time then. Bloody trains are murder in the morning.” He said “Packed like sardines and of course there’s always someone sitting there, barking at everyone else in the car.”

“Keeps life interesting I suppose.” Remus laughed. He’d resolved to deal with his tension with the other man by saying as little as possible, keeping things as cordial as he could. Which was difficult because Eli was so bloody charming. He worried about his feelings. He loved Sirius, nothing had changed, but they had been together for so long that Remus had forgotten what the fluttering feelings of a crush had felt like, and how nice they were. Of course now, along with the butterflies came a load of horrible guilt. He’d tried everything but he just couldn’t help it. 

So he managed the close proximity as best he could, keeping himself at the other end of the store doing inventory while Eli stayed at the register, or vice versa. Remus worried his lower lip between his teeth, thinking about Sirius sitting at home while the rest of his family were preparing for the funeral, and of Orion Black who was lying cold and still in Sirius’ childhood home.

Remus had met Orion only twice, neither of which had been particularly pleasant. Once was at King’s Cross Station upon returning from their second year. The four of them had gotten into a lot of trouble at the end of year feast, something about turning each and every one of the Slytherins a horrible shade of puce and an unsubstantiated claim that they had been responsible for all of the furniture in the common room to be stuck to the ceiling for several months (their involvement has still not been proven, just highly suspected). Subsequently, owls had been sent to all of their parents as they technically could not be given detention when summer break was starting, so McGonagall was leaving their parents to deal with them individually.

Though they had a jovial time on the way back from school, a sense of dread had fallen over Sirius as they pulled into King’s Cross and he saw his father looming in the crowd of parents. He was a formidable figure, tall and broad shouldered with a black beard streaked with grey. He wore long black robes that swept the ground. Orion had made eye contact with Sirius as soon as they pulled in, and the others could sense a quiet fear that was rare from him. 

They all said their goodbyes on the train. Remus’ parents just so happened to be standing near Orion, so the two went up together. Remus couldn’t hear the exchange between Orion and Sirius while he said his hellos to his own parents and begun being lectured as several angry (and slightly green) Slytherins passed them by and flared. His mother shook her head and turned to Orion, smirking a little.

“You must be Sirius’ father. I’m Remus’ mum, it’s good to finally meet you after all the trouble these four get up to, eh?” She held out her hand and Lyall put a hand on her shoulder to try and warn her. Orion looked Hope over, glancing at her obviously muggle clothes in stark contrast with the wizards in robes and then looked down at Remus. 

“Ah, yes. The half-blood. If we can call him that.” Orion said, eying Hope. He turned to Lyall and addressed him “I’d urge you to keep yourselves and your child away from my son. Your family may have made questionable decisions about breeding and how to conduct oneself in proper society and that is unfortunately your business, but my business is to protect the family name. Your boy better not drag mine into any more schemes to embarrass himself.”

“Now hold on a minute, what makes you so sure it was Remus? You can take your breeding and shove it up your-“ Hope began before Lyall took her arm

“Hope! Let’s not get into it.” He said

“You’re going to let this guy talk to your son that way?” Hope snapped “Talk to you that way?”

“It’s not worth it.” Lyall said though gritted teeth “Remus, lets go.”

Sirius gave Remus an apologetic look from beside his father before staring at his feet. Remus waved a little before following his mother, who had begun to storm off. 

“You see? Animals, all of them.” He heard Orion day to Sirius once Hope was out of earshot. Sirius turned red and stormed away and Remus wouldn’t see him until the next school year.

The next time was the summer before their fifth year, when Sirius had forced his parents to allow his friends to come and stay at the Black house because Regulus had been able to. “It’s the principle of the thing.” Sirius had written. Remus was nervous about it and told Sirius he was sure his parents didn’t want him there. Sirius had written back and convinced him to abandon his fears because if he came they could fool around, as they had been trying out lately (much to Remus’ delight, but if he didn’t come, they would have to wait until September. Which was enough to convince any fifteen year old to do anything short of jumping off a building. 

Remus, James and Peter all showed up together and Remus had a terrible feeling about the whole night. Sirius showed them around, his family not bothering to come out and greet them. At dinner, they all sat at the large, ornate table in silence. Sirius’ mother had taken one look at all of them and had angrily retreated to her bedroom with a ‘potion’ to calm herself. Orion sat at the head of the table, stoic as ever but glaring down all of them. Remus felt like he had x-Ray vision and could somehow tell just by looking at him that he was impure. He said nothing the entire dinner. 

That night, when James and Peter has drifted to sleep, Sirius lead him into the library, a grand but intimidating room filled with books probably locked away in the restricted section of the library at Hogwarts. Sirius pulled him into an armchair decorated with snakes and they kissed, small and chaste at first but becoming more and more passionate as they kept going. Remus was finding it harder to keep himself quiet, which made Sirius grin as he slid his hands under his pajama shirt.

They both froze when the lights came on and Orion stood in the doorway, looking down on them with a darkness in his eyes. Remus stopped and pulled away, hiding his very red face and trying to make it seem that they were doing absolutely nothing but innocently looking at books. 

“You should try knock next time, father.” Sirius said, rubbing the back of his hand over his mouth. He had grown bolder over the past few years. He no longer cared that his parents didn’t approve of him, in fact he seemed to covet their disapproval.

“I’d hold my tongue if I were in your position, boy.” Orion said. Sirius seemed to be jolted by the force in his voice. He looked over Remus as if he were gum stuck on the bottom of his shoe, and Remus could feel himself shrink under the cold eyes of Orion.

“Sir, I’m sorry, I-“ Remus stuttered 

“You in particular should be very careful what you say in this house.” He looked back to Sirius “You think can just bring whatever you want into this house and do whatever you like? You may be a disgrace to this family, but what you do still reflects on me. And this new found way of rebelling is completely unacceptable. Do you want to end up like your Uncle Alphard and his disgusting little muggle ‘boyfriend’”

“Doesn’t sound too bad to me, he was the only one of you with a soul!” Sirius spat “I can do whatever I want, it’s my life.”

“And my house.” Orion said “It’s bad enough you brought someone here who’s barely even a half-blood by a very liberal estimate, but then I find you behaving like a degenerate with that boy. Do you forget that you’re still the heir to this family?”

“You can’t talk to Remus like this” Sirius spat 

“Watch your tone. I can speak to whoever I like in whatever way I like, boy. Would you like me to bring your mother in here and see what she thinks about your activities?” Orion threatened 

“Leave him alone!” Remus finally chimed in, his voice unfortunately cracking at an inopportune time

Orion frowned and took a step forward and towered over him “You’ll consider yourself very lucky that this isn’t a different time, where I could do what I liked with people in my own home.” 

Sirius stepped in between Remus and Orion “You’re just a fucking coward.” He yelled. With no warning, Orion lifted his hand and slapped Sirius across the face with the back of his hand. 

Remus gasped. He had, of course, heard of instances where parents had hit their children. He knew on some level that Sirius had been hit before, and had mentioned in jest all the times that his mother had slapped him or cursed him or threw things at his head. But there was something completely violent and terrible about seeing it in person, seeing a parent reel back and strike their own child. It sent chills down his spine and made him feel ill. Sirius looked just as shocked. Orion was usually the level headed one. He was withholding with his feelings, he didn’t lash out. Never had before. 

Orion turned to Remus “You have ten minutes to leave my house and never return.” 

“Father-“

“Would you like me to hit you again?”

“It’s the middle of the night!” Sirius yelled

“Well then we’ll see just how clever he is in figuring out how to go home.” Orion said “Ten minutes or I’m throwing him down the stairs.” 

Remus gave Sirius a look, telling him to stand down. He quickly bowed his head and left the room, going back into Sirius’ room and gathering his things. Sirius was right on his tail

“You don’t have to do this.” Sirius said “He’s a bully, he won’t do anything.”

“I can’t make this any worse for you, Sirius, I never should have come.” Remus whispered. He put a hand gently on the reddening spot on his face “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Sirius shrugged “Mum hits harder.”

Remus gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek “I’ll write.”

“How will you get home?”

“I’ll take the Knight Bus.” Remus said “I’ll find a payphone and call my dad and let him know.”

“I-I’m so sorry.” Sirius said

“Don’t be.” Remus said. They kissed again before they heard footsteps in the hall. Remus brushes past Orion as he left, feeling his gaze still on the back of his neck as he left the house for good.

Remus found it hard to picture Orion dead, lying still in a casket. He found it difficult to picture him as anything but 10 feet tall and glaring down at him with disgust. Even still, he couldn’t imagine how it must feel to mourn him. What was it like for Sirius right now, who hated him and had every right to hate him, but who he still couldn’t help but feel something towards. Grief was complicated, and it only got worse when you ignored it. Still, he was glad the man was dead. He felt no sympathy for him. Remus sighed and continued restocking the shelves of shameless romantic pulp fiction, still lost in thought when he heard the jangle of the door and a muted conversation between a customer and Eli.

“He’s back behind that shelf.” He heard Eli say cheerfully. Remus looked up and nearly knocked over a bookshelf as Regulus walked around it. He looked more ragged than he had a few months earlier, he had deep lines under his eyes and his cheeks were more hollow.

Remus brought his wand out of his pocket “What the hell are you doing here?” he hissed between gritted teeth

Regulus raised an eyebrow and gestured at the book he was holding, featuring a shirtless, long haired man on a cliff side with a busty woman clinging to his abs “Really moving forward in your career, eh?”

“Get out of here, now.” Remus said, dropping the book and taking a step toward him, wand pointed at his chest “I mean it, Regulus.”

“I’m not staying.” Regulus whispered “And I’m not here to kill you, so you can drop the wand. It’s broad daylight in the middle of Soho, I’m not stupid.” 

Remus lowered his wand but didn’t put it away “Don’t you have somewhere to be?” 

“The funeral just ended, I’m on my way to the wake now.” Regulus mumbled 

“Why are you here, then?” He asked

“I just-“ Regulus sighed “I want to know how he is, okay?” 

“Sirius is fine. He’s handling it like Sirius.” Remus shrugged “Why do you care?”

“That doesn’t sound promising.” He looked away “You don’t have siblings, do you Lupin?”

“No, I don’t.” Remus said 

“Then you can’t possibly understand.” Regulus said. He sounded like someone much older than his years. “He’s the only other person in this world who understands what it’s like to live with our family. I never thought I’d have to do this alone is all.”

Remus looked at him, seeing his actual feelings come through, for once shedding the cold mask that the Black brothers shared “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t believe he was feeling sympathy for a Death Eater

“Don’t tell him you saw me, okay?” Regulus said “I just wanted to make sure he was okay.”

“I-“ Remus was going to say something, but changed his mind “Take care of yourself, Regulus.” 

“You too, Lupin.” He looked back at Remus for a second before turning heel and leaving. Remus wanted for the jingle of the door before walking back to the counter. 

“Friend of yours?” Eli asked

“Er- not really. He’s my- well my roommates’ brother.” Remus said 

“Ah, understood.” Eli said “Sounded intense.”

“Family drama, you know?” Remus sighed

“Oh I’ve been there.” He said 

“Sorry to leave you on your own for a moment.” 

“Ah don’t worry about it. The strangest thing happened though, I could have sworn I saw this huge black dog just staring into the window, no owner or anything.”


	16. Chapter 16

“They’re fighting again.” Lily said, flipping the towel she was using to dry the dishes over her shoulder. James was bouncing Harry on his hip and frowned, glancing into the living room, where Padfoot was pouting on the couch.

“God, again?” James said. Sirius had just shown up yesterday as a dog, Sirius had just assumed he was having trouble with the funeral.

“Remus came by my work to ask if I’d seen him today.” Lily said 

“I’ve never seen them fight this much, ever.” James sighed “They’re so hot and cold, one day they’re all over each other and the next they can’t stand to be in the same room.”

“I guess Regulus came to find Remus at work to ask how Sirius was doing, Sirius happened to see and ran off. Never went back home for Remus to explain.”

“Sirius gets so defensive about anything involving his family.” James shook his head “he won’t even talk to me about his dad, he probably saw them together and thought the worst.” 

“He’s so bloody headstrong!” Lily said 

“Which one?” James asked

“Both of them. If they could just put their fucking pride aside for one day and remember that they love each other...”

“Oy, language!” James scolded, pointing to the baby “But you’re right. Maybe I should try and talk to him.”

“Let me do it. You go talk to Remus. We’ve both been talking to our respective side of the relationship, maybe we’ll have more luck switching.”

She took Harry from him and went to the dog sitting on the couch. Harry reached for him, gurgling happily as babies tended to do. Padfoot lifted his head up and sniffed at Harry, making him shriek with laughter as his cold nose tickled his face. 

“You ready to come out now?” Lily said. 

The dog gave her a look before shifting into Sirius. This process always confused and delighted Harry, who wasn’t sure where the dog had gone, but was thrilled to see Sirius. He wiggled about until Lily passed him over to Sirius. 

“God he’s getting big.” Sirius commented 

“Are you going to talk about what’s going on, or what?” Lily said, poking him in the ribs

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sirius said, making faces at the baby to avoid her look

“You and Remus. You’ve been a little on the rocks lately.” Lily said 

“It’s his fault.” Sirius said

“In the very annoying, yet very true words of my mother, ‘it takes two to tango‘.” Lily said

“He was talking with a Death Eater today, Lily!” Sirius said “I don’t know what to think.”

“No, he was talking with your brother.”

“My brother the Death Eater.”

“Your brother who just buried your father by himself today.” Lily said “Listen, you don’t have to explain to me about having a weird and complicated sibling relationship. I get why you didn’t go to the funeral, I would never expect you to go and I don’t blame you for not going. I don’t think anybody would expect you to, the guy was a piece of shit. But on some level, I know you still care about Regulus and he cares about you. No matter how awful my sister gets, she’s still my sister, you know?”

“But your sister isn’t a Death Eater.”

“Yeah but she’s a Tory, they’re basically the same thing.” Lily shrugged “Why don’t you speak to Remus about seeing him with Regulus?”

“He’s just going to make up excuses and lies.” Sirius said

Lily raised an eyebrow “What do you mean by that?”

“Haven’t you noticed him being a bit cagey recently?” Sirius asked

“He’s struggling right now.” Lily said softly 

“But what if-“ he paused “Nevermind. Nevermind, you’re probably right.” 

“What?” 

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” 

“No, you were going to say something, what is it?” Lily asked

“Come on, Lily, you’ve heard the rumors.” Sirius said

Lily shook her head “You’re cracked if you think Remus has anything to do with it.”

“I’m not saying he is!” Sirius said

“Well you’re implying it” Lily frowned “I thought you loved him, what’s happened?”

“I do love him!” Sirius insisted “God, I love him so much. But lately it’s just been... I don’t know, harder to love him. It’s not easy anymore, it’s like it used to be. I don’t know what’s changed.”

“What’s changed? Sirius, we’re not sixteen anymore, that’s what’s changed.” She said “Of course it’s going to be different! You’re arguably an adult now, all of us are. You think I still feel the same way I feel about James the way I did when we were in school?”

“It always seems like you do.” Sirius said

“I don’t! It’s really hard to feel the same giddy teenage girl feelings towards someone when you’re living on 3 hours of sleep because the baby won’t stop crying and James is elbow deep in dirty diapers.” Lily said “But god if I don’t love the way things are way more than that mushy, shallow love we had five years ago. Love changes, it grows and it adapts but that doesn’t mean you stop loving someone or trusting them. Especially now.”

Sirius sighed and bit his lip “When did you get so bloody wise?”

“Comes with the motherhood thing.” Lily said “Can I offer you some more free and completely unsolicited relationship advice?”

“You’re going to do it anyway, so go ahead.”

“You never had an intimate relationship to compare yourself to growing up.” She said “Your family was dysfunctional and cold and expressed their feelings in a way that’s not healthy or productive.”

“What’s your point?” He asked 

“So maybe you’re mistaking getting closer to someone with needing to inject dysfunction into your relationship with Remus?” She suggested 

“Interesting theory.”

“And Remus’ parents, god love them, deal with conflict by never discussing it. Which is also not healthy, for the record. So when he avoids and deflects things, you take his need to disengage as meaning that he doesn’t care enough about you to fight with you.”

“So what, that means we’re just screwed?” 

“No. It just means you both need to recognize this and then figure out how to move past it. You love him?”

“Of course I do.” Sirius sighed

“Good, because he’s crazy about you. So both of you need to fucking fight for this or I’m going to be really mad at you.”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to swear in front of the baby?” Sirius said

“Eh if he starts talking and sounds like a sailor, I’ll just blame you.” Lily shrugged 

————————

James stepped into Remus and Sirius’ flat and glanced around the dim light 

“Remus?” James called out “It’s James, I’m just coming to check on you.” 

“James?” He heard a shuffle from the bedroom and Remus came out. His eyes were red and his face was splotchy. He rubbed his eyes quickly “I’m sorry, er-allergies.” 

Remus always had a problem about other people seeing him cry. He would leave the room as soon as he felt himself welling up. James had really only seen him cry openly once, and that was when they were seeing a movie in a theatre and he happened to be sitting next to Remus as he wept, uninhibited by the dark. James had never pushed him on it or asked questions 

“I just wanted to check on you. Sirius is at our place.” James said, gesturing back a thee fireplace

“Right.” Remus said “Well, thanks for telling me I suppose.” 

“What’s going on with you two?” James said

“Nothing. We’re fine.” Remus said, walking into the kitchen and fiddling with the kettle 

“Remus, I’ve known you since you were 11 years old and I know when you’re lying.” James followed him “Mostly because you’re really bad at it, surprisingly.” 

“I’m not a bad liar.” 

“Remus. What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t know, okay? I really don’t.” Remus sighed “Regulus came to see me today.”

“Yeah Lily told me.”

“He’s taking it completely out of context!” Remus said, opening and shutting a cupboard door a little too hard “I can’t get it through his thick skull.” 

“Okay, Moony, come on. You know he’ll calm down he’s just in a weird place right now, you know?” 

“Right now? Like he hasn’t been in a weird place for months?” Remus sighed “I don’t know what’s going on. It’s like ever since I came back from Greyback’s he doesn’t trust me at all.”

“Of course he trusts you.” 

“Does he?” 

James sighed “Of course he does. I think he’s just paranoid right now. Which, you know, is fair enough. But he loves you.” 

Remus slumped over the counter, his hands over his face as he groaned “I know he loves me, I just don’t know how to get him to trust me. I was only trying to help by talking to Regulus.”

“He’s always going to be distant about his family stuff, Remus, you can’t take it personally.” James said

“Yes I know. I just- I’m worried about him. He’s not handling this well” 

“I know he’s not.” James sighed “But he won’t talk to me about it.” 

“Me either.” Remus said “I know he’s got to be feeling weird about his dad, but he’s just content in presenting he’s totally fine. But he never got closure, you know?”

“I think we just have to let him deal with this in whatever way he needs to right now and hope that he’ll come talk to us later.”

“I hate that.” Remus groaned

“Yeah me too.” 

“I guess being a boyfriend is just another thing that I’m failing at.” 

James frowned “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Remus snapped 

“You seem stressed.”

“I’m selling books in SoHo, I have literally nothing to be stressed out about.” He said “If you, the healer in training and new father think I’m stressed I must really need sleep.” 

“It’s not a competition.” James said “You are sleeping, right?”

“Some.” Remus lifted his head up and rested his chin on the counter 

“And you’re eating?” 

He shrugged again, making James frown at him. The kettle whistled and Remus was reprieved from the conversation about his habits of taking care of himself as he busied himself with two cups and tea bags, Earl Grey for himself and Irish Breakfast with milk for James.

“Listen, I love you, but you have got to start taking better care of yourself.” James said “You’re clearly losing weight, you’re not sleeping and I think this is the first time in months I haven’t seen you with a cigarette in your hand.”

“I don’t see the problem.” 

“You don’t see the problem? Remus you’re literally becoming your mother.” 

Remus winced “Okay, ouch. Noted.” 

“I’m just worried about you.” James said 

“Worry about Sirius, I’m fine.”

“I am worried about Sirius. I can be worried about both of you, you know. And I should be, because neither one of you is coping well.” He sighed “I’m going to need you both to get your shit together, because we’re not doing two Christmases so you’re going to have to see each other anyway.”

“We’re not going to break up, James.” Remus said

“Good. See that you don’t.” James took a sip of his tea. They both drank in silence for a moment before Remus exhaled

“James can I ask you something?”

“Yeah of course.”

“And you can’t hate me for asking this. Because I haven’t done anything.” 

“Okay now you’re scaring me, please go on.” James put his cup down

“Have you ever... Have you ever been attracted to other women. Since being with Lily, I mean.” Remus asked

“Like thought other girls were pretty? Sure.” James shrugged

“No I mean more than just aesthetically. Like feeling things” Remus bit his lip

“Like a crush you mean.” James said “No I haven’t.”

“Oh.” Remus said

“But I’m... I don’t know, you know me. I’ve only ever really had eyes for Lily. I’ve had like one or two crushes on other girls, but it’s always been Lily. What’s going on, Remus?”

“Nothing. Really, it’s nothing. I’ve just been having... I don’t know, stupid crush feelings on a boy I work with. And I don’t know how to get them to stop. And I feel like an awful person.”

“But you haven’t done anything?” James clarified

“No. I would never.” Remus said 

James shrugged “So its a crush.”

“But I’m with Sirius! I love Sirius! Even though things have been... I don’t know, hard, it doesn’t change anything.”

“Look, it happens! Lily’s told me she’s had crushes before, it’s not that big of a deal. It doesn’t mean you don’t love Sirius, it just means your brain is weird sometimes.” 

“Do you think it’ll go away?” 

“Of course it will.” James said “Don’t beat yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong if you haven’t acted on it. Maybe if you’re this upset about it you should just tell Sirius.”

“But you know how jealous he can be.” Remus said

“Yeah but I think if you had an actual adult conversation about it, it would be better. Then maybe you won’t feel so weird about it.” 

“I don’t know.” Remus sighed

“You’re not the first or the last person in a relationship to feel things about someone else, Remus.” James put his hand on Remus’ shoulder, unfailing in his casual displays of physical affection in a way that Remus had never quite gotten the hang of. “You’re going to be fine.” 

Remus sighed “You’re right. You’re right, I just need to talk to him.” 

“Good, I love being right. I’ve got to get home to Lily and Harry, are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Go home.” Remus said

“Sirius will come back when he’s ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short update for right now!


	17. Chapter 17

It had been a week since Orion’s death, and they had fallen into a quiet ceasefire. Neither wanted to apologize or continue fighting, so instead they just co existed, keeping out of the other’s way. Sirius has been spending a lot of time with James, leaving Remus to sit at the kitchen table and brood, worrying about what was to come.

This evening, his mum had come down for the night, Lyall being off on a job. She had never been very good at occupying herself and was notoriously prone to starting conversations with strangers or popping in unannounced at families’ houses rather than eating alone.

She meandered around the living room while Remus poured a drink 

“London really is a shit hole.” She said

“I know.” Remus said 

“Where’s Sirius?” She asked

“Oh he’s... Out and about I suppose.” He handed her a tumbler of gin and ice and sat on the couch with his knees pulled to his chest. 

She raised her eyebrow as she sat beside him “You’re being cagey.”

“I’m not being cagey.” Remus said. He didn’t meet her eye

“Remus John.” She said

“Mother, I’m fine.” He insisted “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I always worry about you, how could I not?” She said. She leaned in and patted his knee “You two are fighting.” 

“We’re not fighting.” 

“You’re just like your father.” She sighed

“That seems insulting.”

“I mean I love the man, God help me I do, but he can’t admit a feeling to save his life. You should have heard his vows.”  
Hope said. She reached into her pocket a put a cigarette between her long, thin fingers. She handed one to Remus and he pulled out a lighter, lighting hers before his own. It was a silent ritual they had done dozens of times. 

“Mum, please, can we not?” Remus said 

“I just want you to be happy.” She insisted “That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. And if it’s not with Sirius, then that’s fine, but I think he’s good for you.”

“We’re not going to break up, mum. Thinks are just complicated right now, he’s going through a lot. We both are.” Remus said, shifting his feet uncomfortably

“Okay.” She said, giving him a look 

“What?” 

“Nothing.” She shook her head “Listen, your granda is coming to visit soon.”

“Go the cottage? That’ll be nice, he never leaves Cardiff.” Remus said

“I know. And, well...”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing! He just wants to meet Sirius.” She said

“Mum, you didn’t tell him, did you?” Remus asked

“No! Of course I didn’t. He just-“ she bit her lip “Well I was talking about how much you pay in rent and mentioned that it was obscene for a one bedroom flat and he asked if you were still living with your friend from school and I said you were and well... He just kind of pieced it together.”

“Fuck, mum!” Remus hissed “This could not be a worse time.” 

“I know! I know, look, I can tell him it’ll just be you. He’ll understand.” She said

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a sigh “When?”

“Next Friday.” She said 

“Okay. Okay, I will ask. But I’m not going to push it. I doubt he’s in the mood for a family gathering.” Remus said “Let me guess, the aunts are coming too?”

“Come now, you haven’t seen them in years.” Hope said

“Mum it’s just complicated. I don’t know how to explain.... I mean look at my face, it’s not like they won’t notice.” Remus said

“I’ve just told them you were in an accident.” Hope said, looking at her lap. Remus knew that a lifetime of lies about what was wrong with him had gotten to her. She eventually had told her father the truth about his condition when he had become convinced that Lyall had been beating Remus upon seeing the bruises on his arms when they had come to visit for Passover once. Hope had to blurt out the truth in a locked bedroom to stop him from calling the police oh her husband. He had taken it surprisingly well, claiming he’d heard of stranger things in his day. Hope was close to her sisters, however, and hated that she had to lie to them about her husband and her son. Instead they thought he had some nondescript illness that left him frequently bedridden and prone to bruising.

Remus sighed “I will do my best to get Sirius there.” He said

——————————

Sirius came home late, after Hope had gone back home and Remus stood at the kitchen sink, doing the dishes with his sleeves rolled to his elbows. Sirius watched from the door frame for a moment. Remus so rarely exposed any of his body- save during sex. His pale arms were usually hidden behind layers of shirts and sweaters to hide the marks behind them. Sirius took solace in staring at his bare, pale forearm- no mark. No nothing. He was humming some song to himself, his bare toes keeping the beat against the creaky wood floors. Remus finally turned and dropped a dish he was holding out of shock

“Fuck, I didn’t see you there!” He clutched his chest and exhaled, and took a clumsy step forward, his food landing directly on a shard of the broken plate

“Shit!” Sirius said, rushing over as Remus winced and hopped to the table “I’m so sorry!”

“I need to get you a fucking bell to wear around your neck.” Remus said. Sirius waved his wand, the shards coming together and into the bin 

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked. He crouched next front of the table to examine the bleeding sole of his foot 

“I’m fine, I’m fine .” Remus winced 

Sirius whipped out his wand again and muttered a quick spell to stop the bleeding 

“Thanks.” Remus said as Sirius stood back up “Well that was overly dramatic.”

“Well you wouldn’t be Moony if you weren’t slightly prone to disaster.” He said

They stood for a moment, easing into the awkward stages of being done with a long fight. 

“How was patrol?” Remus asked 

“It was good.” Sirius said “Apparently Dumbledore wants to take James off field work.” 

“Really?” Remus asked “Because of the baby?”

“That’s what I thought, but Arthur is still doing some field work and he’s got a new one too.” 

“Strange.” Remus said

“Was your mum here?” He asked

“How could you tell?” 

“I can smell her perfume.” He said. Remus smiled a bit, his nose was exceptional and at times, a little creepy. He leaned back on the counter “What is she up to?”

“Dad was out of town and she hates eating alone.” Remus said. He sighed “And - well, I guess my grandfather is coming to visit them next week.” 

“Which one?” Sirius asked

“The good one. Her dad.” Remus’ other grandfather had been a sour old thing who had a poorly concealed disdain for Remus, and even less discreet animosity towards his father. They had never got on, even towards the end when he died.

“Are you going to go see him?” Sirius asked

“Yeah, I am. He- er- well he wants you to come with me.” Remus said

“I thought you didn’t want your mum’s family to know about us?” He asked

“I didn’t, but he figured it out.” Remus paused and studied Sirius’ face “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, I know that’s a lot to ask.”

“No I want to!” Sirius said, surprising Remus. 

“You do?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s one day, it’ll be nice.” He said

“You know it’s with my parents, my aunts and my grandfather right?” Remus pressed

“Yeah.” He said

“And that they’re going to be incredibly nosy.” 

“I like the attention.” Sirius said. He looked at Remus’ skeptical expression “I want to go, Remus.” 

“Okay. Okay, as long as you’re sure.”

Sirius stood up and, more tenderly than he had done anything of late, kissed Remus on the top of his head “‘Course I’m sure.” He said

————————————  
The next Friday, they apparated to the Lupin’s cottage early in the morning to help out. Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his clothes as they walked to the door. Sirius loved muggle clothes, but his usual attire wasn’t exactly appropriate for meeting grandparents. He had instead opted for a starchy collared shirt and a sweater he had borrowed from Remus that was a little too small on him. Remus fidgeted with his shirt sleeves uncomfortably as he knocked on the door

“I’m starting to regret this one.” Remus mumbled, more to himself than anybody else. Lyall opened the door, looking severe

“Your mother tried to cook.” Is all he said before turning around. All of the windows were open and Hope was standing on a step ladder in the kitchen, wafting a cookie sheet in the air to clear away some of the smoke that was pouring off the stove.

“Mum, I thought you were buying food?” Remus said 

“I was! I was, and then your Aunt Sian, you know how she is, kept making little remarks about how much dad loved her cooking and I just-“

“Improvised?” Remus suggested

“I tried!” She moaned

Lyall was going from room to room, vanishing the smoke and minimizing the damage. 

“Why can’t you just magic me a better meal?” She suggested

“Doesn’t work that way, love.” Lyall said

“Fat lot of good that does me, then.” She said”

“Mum, why don’t you help dad finish cleaning and I’ll try and figure something out, yeah?” Remus asked

“Good boy.” She slapped his cheek playfully.

“Sirius, how are you my dear?” She asked, standing on his toes to hug him

“I’m well, can I help with anything?”

“Can you give Lyall a hand in the living room?” She asked, gesturing vaguely towards the front room. Remus gave him an apologetic look but Sirius waved him off. Lyall was standing in front of the bookshelf they kept along the walls, brows furrowed in a way that was eerily similar to Remus. He nodded at Sirius as he came in.

“How’re you now?” He asked

“Not bad. What are you doing?” Sirius asked

“Taking our all the magical books and anything with moving photographs on the off chance one of my sisters in law pick them up.” He said “Can never be too careful with the ministry these days. They’ll look for any excuse to investigate your family, particularly where muggles are concerned.” 

Sirius shook his head solemnly and helped him scan through the shelves. He could hear Remus and Hope chattering in the kitchen and smiled a bit to himself

“Listen, Sirius?” Lyall said, not turning to face him “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about your father.”

“It’s okay, really. We weren’t close.” He said 

“I know. But... Well I don’t know what Remus has told you about his other grandfather but he was- well he was a piece of work. We hadn’t spoken a word to one another in five years when he died but it doesn’t-“ he paused, floundering in the effort of trying to connect emotionally with Sirius “it doesn’t make it easier, yes?”

Sirius modded “I know what you mean.”

“Right, good.” Lyall coughed and looked at his watch “they should be here soon. Damned traffic.”

Sirius’ hand lingered over a magical photo of Remus at no older than five, giggling and grinning at the camera. It was such a contrast to the photo next to it, a muggle one of him a couple of years later, looking as serious and solemn as Sirius had ever seen him. He heard a knock at the door and Sirius hurriedly tucked the moving photo into Lyall’s box, which he vanished with a flick of his wand, which he then stashed in his jacket pocket. Remus came up besides him and passed a glass into his hands and fidgeted with Sirius’ shirt nervously.

“Hey, it’s fine” Sirius said

“I know, I know.” Remus said, his voice absent

There was a commotion at the door and Remus released Sirius’ shirt. 

Remus’ aunt looked a lot like his mother, all short and dark haired, though the she of kept hers longer and perfectly curled. The three of them hung back in the living room, waiting for the Welsh cacophony to find them. The man who must be Remus’ grandfather walked in next, taller than his daughters but much shorter than Remus. His hair was silver but he didn’t walk hunched on a cane or seemed to give any indication of his age.  
Hope embraced him and he grinned the same grin that Remus did. 

“Remus! Goodness have you gotten tall.” His aunt came up to him and hugged him  
“Glad you took after your dad on that one.  
My poor Rhys, bless him, shorter than his fiancé.” 

“Aunt Julia, good to see you!” He said. 

“My my, he’s a looker.” Julia muttered. Remus cleared his throat

“Auntie, this is my roommate, Sirius.” He said, his face beet red.

Sirius grinned and shook their hands “it’s such a pleasure to meet you, Remus has told me so much.”

“Is he posh?” Julia leaned in and asked Remus

Hope came up and slapped her arm “Julie! What did I tell you?”

“Oy, calm down! I was just asking is all.” She said “don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

“Come into the kitchen why don’t you.” Hope rolled her eyes and gave Remus a sympathetic look.

Lyall coughed and followed his wife and sister in law as Remus’ grandfather walked into the room and embraced him. He put his hands on either one of Remus’ cheeks and grinned “Fy machgen! How big you’ve grown.” 

“Taid, hi.” He said with a grin “It’s so good to see you.” 

“You’re looking so skinny, do you not get enough to eat?” He said, patting his cheeks

“I get plenty.” Remus said. He nodded and looked over his shoulder

“And who is this?” 

Remus cleared his throat “Grandfather, this is Sirius, my roommate.” 

He gestured for him to come closer “Come here, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.” 

“Don’t believe him, he can see fine!” Hope said from the kitchen 

Sirius came forward as the old man looked him up and down and held out his hand 

“It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Howell.” He said 

After a long moment he took Sirius’ hand “that is quite a head of hair you have, young man.” He said “Call me Cai.” 

————  
Hope watched them nervously from the kitchen as Lyall walked into the living room. Julia snatched the cigarette perched between her fingers and took a drag.

“So Sirius is....” she began

“Julia, I swear.” Hope said

“I didn’t mean anything by it, I’m just saying I’m surprised.” She shrugged “Not by Remus, honestly.”

“What do you mean ‘not by Remus’?” She asked

“Well he’s always been a little...” she mulled over her words “Light in the loafers.”

“He is not.” Hope glared

“It’s not bad! He’s just always been so quiet and timid, it’s just not as much of a shock is all. But I just wouldn’t have expected a man like that to be... you know.” 

“You can say ‘gay’, Julia, it’s not a bad word.” Hope grabbed the cigarette back

“I’m really not judging or anything, Hope, he can do what he likes it’s nothing to me.” She said “you can’t tell me you aren’t a little disappointed though.” 

“Why would I be disappointed?” She asked

“Well aren’t you angry you will never have grandchildren?”

“Who says I’ll never have grandchildren? And besides, Remus is a great man, and Sirius makes him smile. What could be better than that?”

She stamped out her cigarette and went to join the others in the living room.

———  
Sirius offered to take the garbage out for Hope, and took a moment at the edge of the garden to take in some fresh air before entering the smoke filled living room again.

When he turned around, he saw Cai sitting on the small metal bench outside the cottage. He patted the seat next to him.

“Come sit with me a moment.” He said 

Sirius obliged and sat awkwardly far away from him. All of his grandparents had died when he was small, or lived far away, so he had no memory of any of them. It felt strange to be around someone old who wasn’t a teacher.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” He asked

“It’s always good to see my daughter and Remus. They’ve always lived so far away and I don’t travel as well as I once did.” 

“You used to travel a lot?” Sirius asked

“Oh yes.” He smiled “Mostly after the war. My wife fled from France as a young woman and settled in Cardiff and so when I got out of the Army, we started with Paris and didn’t stop until the girls came along.”

“I didn’t know you fought in the war.” Sirius said 

“And you’re fighting your own now.” Cai said “You have that look to you. You both do.” 

Sirius looked at his hands, fidgeting in his lap “How do you cope with it?” He asked, his voice feeling small

He looked at him evenly “You do it for the right reason.” 

Sirius glances back into the house and saw Remus smile at something his Aunt said.

“My grandson loves you very much.” Cai said “There was a time when I worried he would never be happy. He was such a serious boy, he never smiled, he never played when he came round once every so often. It broke my heart, you know.”

“Yeah I remember those days.” Sirius said. First year, the tiny skinny boy who never laughed, could never smile, who jumped at loud noises. 

“When I first saw him when he came back from that school, it was like he was a different person. He was so happy.” Cai said “Whatever it is that you two have, it’s a good thing.”

Sirius avoided his eye and looked at his feet “Yeah, well... I’m really no good for anybody if I’m being completely honest.”

“Come now, boy. The enemy will drag you down themselves, there’s no reason to do it for them.” Cai let out a cough “Now is the time to support each other.” 

And with that he stood and placed a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. He turned to look at him

“You’re a good boy, and you’ll have a good life. Don’t waste it.” He gave him a nod before heading back into the cottage 

————  
They stayed the night at the cottage, and Sirius had fallen asleep in the big armchair by the fireplace while everyone went to bed. When he woke, the fire was reduced to embers and he blinked in a daze. He heard a noise in the kitchen and quietly walked to the doorway to look. Remus stood at the sink, his sleeves rolled to his elbows as he washed the dishes by hand. He was singing along to a Carpenters song that played softly on the radio, his voice low and husky from too much smoke. Even Sirius rarely got to see him like this, and he was flooded by a wave of affection at the scene. The bare forearms that he never revealed, even when they had gone to the beach one summer. His voice too, which was nothing to write home about but was beautiful in its scarcity. Sirius could count on one hand the amount of times he’d ever heard him sing. 

Sirius took a step forward and made a noise and Remus jumped and let out a yelp. He dropped the glass he was holding, which shattered across the wood floor.

“Shit! I’m so sorry!” Sirius said

“You nearly gave me a heart attack, Christ!” Remus our a hand over his heart and took a step forward, directly onto one of the pieces of glass “Fuck!” He hissed. 

Sirius winced and rushed forward, flicking his wand to vanish away the glass and lowering Remus onto the large wood dining table.

“I’m so sorry, I should have announced myself.” Sirius said. He kneeled in front of Remus and took his foot in one hand 

“No, no, it’s not your fault I’m such a klutz.” Remus said. He hissed as Sirius pulled out the glass.

He quickly cleaned it up and summoned a bandage “I shouldn’t have startled you, I just wanted to keep looking at you.”

Remus felt color flush to his cheeks “I thought everyone was asleep.”

“I was for a bit.” He stood and washed his hands briefly before turning back around. Remus was still sitting on the table. Without really thinking about it, Sirius brushed the side of Remus’ face with his fingers. Remus leaned into it and looked up at Sirius. It was the first time they’d really touched each other with affection since the fight. It felt foreign.

“Hey.” Sirius said

“Hey.” He replied “I love you.”

“I love you, Moony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH HEY WHATS UP
> 
> sorry for semi-abandoning this fic I had some insane life shit happen but I’m BACK and hoping to finish this.
> 
> Remus was singing along to Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters because I unabashedly love that song even if it hurts my punk credibility


	18. Chapter 18

“Hurry up, Prongs! You move like an old man” Sirius whispered

“The goal is sneaking, you twat, do you want me to just sprint through Nocturne Alley and draw all the attention to us?” James whispered back

“Will you two shut up?” Remus hissed, pulling the hood of his cloak further over his face “You’re going to get us seen.”

“This is such a stupid idea.” Peter complained 

“Moody’s intel said that the Lestranges have a rendezvous with some unknown entities tonight, it’s a good plan” Sirius said 

“We need a leg up, it’s like they’re two steps ahead of us recently.” Remus said. They had all transfigured their appearances to be different enough that they wouldn’t be recognized. Remus has a small, button nose and a beard, and his normally light brown hair had been changed to black. Sirius had changed his long black hair to a cropped brown and had donned a pair of wire framed glasses. 

The four of them were so rarely allowed to work the same missions for the Order, with worries they were too recognizable together. But Moody couldn’t deny their ability to work together in a battle. They could almost communicate without speaking in the middle of the fray.

“This place is so skeezy.” James said, turning his nose up at an unidentifiable pile of goo on the sidewalk 

“Try and look like you belong, please?” Remus said. They turned the corner to the main walk, keeping their heads down and trying to find the street Moody had told them. James stuck his head around the corner and waved them on.

“This is the place, right?” Peter asked 

“According to Moody, yeah.” Sirius said, looking back and forth in the dingy street

“Come on, let’s get in this alley. We should be able to see who comes and goes.” Remus pointed down a narrow space between two buildings

“Oh lovely, the garbage will hide us for sure.” James muttered “Just before we get Tetanus.” 

“When did you get to be such a clean freak?” Sirius teased him “You used to to like a week without showering.”

“Listen I have a baby and I work in a hospital, you see some shite.” 

They ducked into the shadows, far enough back that they wouldn’t be seen but close enough that they could see the comings and goings of the death eaters supposedly coming here. After half an hour, somebody finally showed up.

“Is that Dolahov?” Peter whispered

“Yeah I think.” Remus conformed 

“And there’s Malfoy.” Sirius nodded towards his distant cousin as a flash of silver hair glinted from beneath his roe

“He hasn’t been around for a while.” James said

“I think he and his wife just had a baby.” Sirius said 

“Right.” 

“Christ, who hasn’t at this point?” Peter said 

They waited, seeing Crabbe, Goyle and the Lestranges. A while later Sirius caught sight of Snape, followed by Regulus and seethed with anger as he watched him enter the building. There were a few people with hoods up or masks covering their faces making it impossible to see who they were.

After everybody went inside, they waited a while longer until the coast was clear to sneak out of their hiding spot. Remus was busy jotting down all the names in a small book

“So usual suspects.” James said “Seems like a waste of time.” They raised their hoods again and took a step out towards the Main Street when Remus felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up as he smelled something familiar

“Hang on.” Remus said. The others didn’t hear and kept walking but he stayed put. Sirius turned around just as a large figure took a step towards the house, at first ignoring them, but as he passed by Remus, he whipped his head around. Remus kept casual and tried to keep walking but glanced under the man’s hood as he passed.

They made eye contact and despite his disguise, he knew that Greyback recognized him instantly. He barely had time to react before his back was slammed against the brick wall, knocking the wind out of him before reeling back and punching him in the jaw.

Greyback grabbed him, one hand on the front of his robes and one on his chin.

“You think a silly little disguise will hide you, pup?” He managed to snarl before James and Sirius knocked him over. Remus stumbled to his feet and whipped his wand out. Greyback cackled as Sirius hit him.

“What are you laughing at, Greyback, it’s four against one!” James said

“Oh?” Greyback spat our blood and took a step back

“Don’t move.” Remus said. He knew their disguises were wearing off with the break of their focus. Greyback gave him a sharp toothed grin.

“Looks like our little scrap made you even uglier.” He said 

Sirius rushed towards him with malice in his eyes, his wand brandished “Why don’t you keep your mouth shut or i’ll hex you to oblivion, Greyback?”

“Guys, we need to get out of here.” Peter insisted

“Oh don’t do that, you’ll miss the whole party.”

A loud scream filled the air like a siren and Death Eaters began streaming out of the building. At once the four of them lowered their wands and turned to sprint out of the alley.

“Meet back at the safe house.” James said between breaths. He tried to focus for a moment and then stopped in his tracks “I can’t apparate. Why can’t I apparate?”

“Fuck.” Remus tried himself “it was a set up, they knew we were there the whole time.”

They kept running, hearing a few Death Eaters behind them

“We have to hide.” Sirius said

“We need backup, we won’t stay hidden for long with Greyback there.” Remus said

They managed to gain enough distance and put themselves behind a dumpster safely hidden from view for a temporary moment. They tried to gain their breath and James flicked his wand 

“Mayday, mayday! We need backup in Knockturn alley immediately, there was a setup. Anybody who can- We can’t leave and I don’t know who can get in.” He said. He flicked it again, the emergency procedure that would alert the order to an immediate threat. Remus hoped that others would be able to apparate in. They heard the slamming of footsteps and raised their wands

“You remember that time we got caught in the middle of the Slytherin bathroom with a case of flobberworms?” James said 

“Like it was yesterday.” Sirius said

“Feels a lot like this.” He was making light. Remus could see the fear in his eyes as he raised his wand towards the opening of the alley.

“Like we’re totally fucked?” Sirius said

“Don’t be so negative, cousin.” Bellatrix stalked out of the shadows, her mannerisms more jarring than they used to be as children 

“Bellatrix. Always a pleasure.” Sirius said, taking a step forward

“What do we have here? A whole pack of blood traitors and half breeds.” She said, flicking out her wand “Well, not for long.”

Sirius could see a group of masked death eaters approach from behind her. 

“Let’s hurry this up, they’ve already alerted their little resistance.” One of the others hissed

There was an explosion of chaos and spells flying in all directions. Remus was face to face with a Death Eater he was pretty sure was Rosier- who was in their year in school. Sirius was near him, going head to head with his cousin and James was handling two at once. Remus had no idea where Peter had disappeared to but couldn’t dwell on it as he flicked his wand to try and disarm Rosier. He dodged a curse aimed for his chest and set out a stunning spell, hitting the death eater in the leg. Remus could hear a commotion from behind them but couldn’t turn his back on Rosier. He knew the other Death Eaters couldn’t be far behind them but he saw the flash of cropped red hair and Lily was suddenly beside James, wand out and fury in her eyes.

“What are you doing here?” He asked as he deflected a curse

“What does it look like? I’m saving your arse.” She said

“What about Harry?” James asked 

“He’s with Alice! I couldn’t let you four get yourself into more trouble.” Lily said. With a great effort she swung a curse at the duo of Death Eaters, sending one of them petrified to the ground. The other one snarled.

“Filthy mudblood!” She screamed 

“Yeah, actually, I am!” She said back

Remus has managed to subdue Rosier, stunning him a few times in the chest as he heard the noise of battle further down the alley.

“Sirius, are you okay?” Remus asked as he ducked behind the dumpster he was taking cover in 

“I can handle Bellatrix, I don’t know where Peter went though, you know he’s a shit dueler.” Sirius said, sending a blasting curse towards the building beside his cousin.

“I’ll find him.” Remus said. He pressed himself against the brick wall to avoid the debris 

“Be safe.” Sirius said. He quickly grabbed Remus by the collar and kissed him on the lips before shoving him away and rushing out of his cover again.

———  
The full force of the order had arrived in Knockturn alley. Remus wove in and out of battles but could see no sign of Peter. His stomach flipped at all the possibilities of what had happened but he shook his head and forced himself to stay grounded in the fray. 

He came across Arthur Weasley being backed into a corner by two death eaters and quickly careened over to help him.

“Good to see you, Lupin.” Arthur shouted, sending a wall of purple light towards the duo. 

“And you, Arthur! How’re the kids?” Remus dodged a curse and tried to disarm one of the death eaters 

“Many.” He said “Seems like there’s more every time I come home. Watch yourself!” 

Remus pressed himself against the stone wall behind them to avoid a red blast and responded with his own.

It seemed like they had been fighting for hours- they probably had been. Remus had caught sight of the others every so often as they all wove in and out of the fight. He could hardly process anything that has happening outside of the immediate threat of an enemy right before him. He was back to back with Kingsley when every hair on the back of Remus’ neck stood straight up for the second time that night. Everything seemed to stand still as Voldemort walked onto the street, his black robes dipping into the blood spilled onto the cobblestones. All of the fighting seemed to cease for a brief second before resuming again, more aggressive and serious than it had been a moment before. 

Remus looked though the chaos to try and catch a glimpse of anybody- of Sirius or James or Lily or Peter, but he couldn’t see one from the other. He felt a curse sting him in the shoulder but he powered through, knocking down one- two- three death eaters. He could feel his lungs burn with the strain. Looking up, he finally saw Lily and James rushing towards Voldemort with no fear in their eyes.

And a moment later it was over. All at once, the Death Eaters seemed to sense that something was wrong- something had shifted. The Dark Lord seemed to vanish as quickly as he had appeared, and with him, the Death Eaters began to flee the scene. After a moment of confusion, Moody yelled over the crowd

“You know where to go! Don’t sit around here waiting to be picked off, move!” 

——————

Headquarters was packed to the gills with order members milling about and their loved ones making sure they Remus pusher through the crowded living room, pleased to see Arthur had found Molly and had made it through with only a minor scrape to the head. 

“Molly, have you’ seen Sirius?” Remus asked

“No dear, but Poppy is seeing to some people in the dining room.” Molly said 

“Right. Thanks.” Remus said. Distantly he felt a burning pain in his shoulder, and knew he had a gouge in his shin, but wouldn’t let himself feel the pain until he made sure Sirius was alive. He stuck his head in the bedrooms and the kitchen- his stomach in knots. 

Finally, he pushed his way into the kitchen and saw Sirius slumped in a chair, a cold compress pushed against his head. Madame Pomfrey was buzzing around the room, giving various potions to some people and standing over Frank Longbottom with her wand. Remus let out a sigh of relief and rushed over. Sirius exhaled when he saw him.

“Thank God.” Sirius said, pulling him into a deep embrace “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. A few scrapes here and there but I’ve seen worse.” Remus frowned at the state of him “You’re hurt.”

“I’m fine.” Sirius insisted “Just a knock on the head and a broken wrist, I’ll be fine.”

Remus studied his face for a moment, putting a gentle hand on the side of his head. His pupils were wide and he looked a little disoriented. He kissed the top of his head softly “We’ll get you home as soon as we can. Have you seen Peter?”

“Peter?” Sirius asked “No, not since everything started. Did you never find him?”

Remus shook his head “You stay here, alright? I’m going to go look around.”

He slipped back into the crowd and scanned for Peter. He was stopped by Alice, looking frazzled with Neville at her hip.

“Remus! Is Frank okay?” She asked

“Yeah he’s okay. I think he broke something but madame Pomfrey is taking care of it.” He said 

“Oh thank god.” He sighed “Where is he?”

“Dining room.” Remus said “Didn’t you have Harry tonight?”

“I did, I passed him off to Lily, she’s in the other room with James.” 

“Great, thanks Alice.” He took off towards the living room. He could hardly recognize Lily, as her red hair had changed from red to a dingy grey with soot. She had a long scrape running up her cheek. James was to the side, a bandage around the top of his head from a head wound that must have just recently stopped bleeding. Harry was not thrilled with these developments and was crying and squirming in James’ arms.

“It’s me! It’s Da, come on buddy.” James said. Lily saw Remus push through the crowd and ran up to hug him.

“You alright?” She asked

“Yeah, everything’s superficial.” Remus said “Sirius is in the kitchen getting patched up, I think he has a concussion but he’s okay.” 

“Thank god.” Lily said “Did you see him?”

“Who, Peter?”

“No. Voldemort.” Lily said. Somebody hissed at the use of the name 

Remus nodded “I don’t know what made him leave though.”

James cracked a grin “Lily did.” 

“Well, you helped.” She smiled. 

“They were both spectacular, I am told.” Remus turned around to see Dumbledore coming over to them “If you don’t mind, I’d like to speak to you both.”

“Yeah of course, um..” James was still struggling with Harry screaming “Here, Remus you take him. He’s going to freak out until we look more like ourselves. He does this every time Lily gets a haircut too.

Remus reeled a little “I really don’t think-“

“Remus, it’s fine. He loves you.” Lily said

Remus had largely put off actually holding Harry unless absolutely necessary but relented and took the screaming infant from James “We’ll be right back.”

“Hey, hey. There’s no reason for that, eh?” Remus said softly. The room was getting more crowded so he began to walk around the house, lightly bouncing Harry. He slowly began to calm down, his hysterical tears melting into quieter sobs.

“There now, nothing to get all upset about, right?” He said. Harry looked up at him and grabbed for his nose and giggled “Well I suppose noses are rather funny.” 

He wandered back towards the dining room and finally ran into Peter. He had a bloody nose but other than that was fine.

“Peter, I’ve been looking everywhere for you, what happened?”

“Must have gotten separated.” He said quickly. He looked distracted and distant and was fidgeting with his hand “I ran off in the other direction”

“Well I’m glad you’re alright, I was worried.”

Peter glances at Harry and his face blanched “Are Lily and James-?”

Remus shook his head “they’re speaking with Dumbledore, I’m just watching him for a minute.” 

“Right. Good.” Peter said

“I’m going to go check on Sirius, but you should see Madame Pomfrey. You don’t look so good.” 

“Yeah. Thanks.” He wandered away and Remus frowned. 

“Let’s hope uncle Peter didn’t hit his head too, eh?” Remus muttered to Harry “Your godfather is already going to keep me up all night, we don’t need any more of that.”

Harry grabbed for his hair and babbled a little 

“Yes very insightful. Let’s go check on him, eh?” He walked back in the kitchen and Sirius grinned at the sight of him with Harry.

“I never thought I’d see the day.” He said

“Well Harry here is a lovely conversationalist.”

“Is he now?”

Remus nodded “Indeed. We’re having a fantastic conversation at your expense.”

Harry gurgled and made a grab for Sirius’ hair, trying to put it into his mouth.

“Hey now, sprog.” Sirius said. Harry babbled

“I think he needs a haircut too.” Remus said. He took a seat next to Sirius

“Mr. Lupin, have you been seen to?” Madame Pomfrey snapped 

“I’m fine, just a few scrapes.” Remus said back

“Well there’s a first time for everything. Make sure that one doesn’t fall asleep.” She said before running back to the other patients. 

Remus took a seat beside Sirius “What’s the news?” He asked, bouncing Harry on his knee

“Word is that Avery is dead, and we arrested two in masks. I don’t know who they are yet.” Sirius said

“And on our side?” 

Sirius looked at his feet “Benjy was taken to St Mungoes, but it doesn’t look good.” 

“Shit.” Remus said 

“Yeah. I saw him take a few stunners to the chest.” He said “and then I lost track of him.” 

Remus shook his head “He’s only a little older than us. Do they know who it was?”

“No. In a mask.” Sirius said “Fucking cowards”

Remus shook his head and glanced at Harry, contentedly staring at everyone coming and going. Sirius touched Remus’ chin softly, brushing his fingers over the blooming purple bruise Greyback had left.

“We’re lucky.” Remus said 

“Yeah. But it makes me worry.” Sirius sighed

“About what?” 

“About what happens when our luck runs out.”

James popped his head into the kitchen. He had finally cleaned up his face so Harry held out his arms with glee when he saw him.

“Oh is papa clean enough for you now?” James said, taking him back into his arms.  
Harry immediately tried to take James’ glasses off his face and succeeded in knocking them askew. 

James sighed “Dumbledore and Moody want to talk to all of us about the beginning of the attack.” He said “I saw Peter for a second but he ran out without saying goodbye.”

“He looked pretty shaken. I’m sure they can get his testimony later.” Remus said. He pulled Sirius up and he groaned with exhaustion, leaning heavily on his side.

“When we get home, I’m sleeping for a million years.” Sirius said

“I hate to break it to you, but I have to keep you up all night.” 

“Oh hey, want to borrow Harry? He’s the expert in that particular area.” James said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in a week what the fuck? 
> 
> Thank you all for your comments and support, I really appreciate every one of them!

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been fiddling with a lot of concepts in this fic for a long time and finally decided to fuck it and write it out. 
> 
> When I was young and reading Harry Potter, I would read that Lily and James were 21 and think they were actual adult, but now being in my early 20s I’m amazed because they were actual children fighting a war they had no business being in so I wanted to write out this to kind of discuss how messed up it is
> 
> Title comes from “Don’t Swallow the Cap” by the National


End file.
